25Naperville, United States
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My self-summary
I'm going to tell you a story. No really. This profile is a bunch of short stories.

Now I need you to pay pretty close attention to what I'm about to say. And you need to realllyyy picture it in your mind. Sound good? Good.

There is a hippo, deep violet, with green shorts, standing on his hind legs. He is currently sitting in a Ford Escort (this is important, go look it up if you don't know what it looks like), with a bored Hippo look on his face, getting impatient that the car in front of him hasn't moved yet. The light is green! Just go!

In the trunk, there is a large guitar case (large because it's hippo sized), sawed in half. You can see that some of the wood chippings have dug into the cloth seats, which is going to be a BITCH to vacuum out. Like seriously, you're going to have to be there for fucking hours just vacuuming the same damn spot. Come on hippo, get your shit together.

So, what's the hippo's job? Uh. Uhmm. He's a life guard. That's where he's going. And that's kind of odd, because he didn't apply for it. I guess he just kinda started showing up.

So he gets to 'work', and sits in the splintered lifeguard stand (he's heavy. he's a hippo). And prepares for his day.

But no one's there. Because he's a hippo. And it's really scary that there's a hippo driving a Ford Escort to the public pool everyday so no one goes there anymore.

It's a pretty boring job.
What I’m doing with my life
Oh man, no there's a good story for this one. A really good one.

Alright, so you don't got to picture this one. Make it a vague mishmash of colors and feelings as I describe it. If you don't know how to do that, i guess you can put on some beethoven as you listen. I hear that helps? Maybe.

I was watching a stream on Twitch the other night, when the streamer just stopped playing and had that "fuck it. i'm done." face on. Ya know, the one where someone's either about to walk away or just get really loud and give you a long, detailed explanation on why what they're doing is worthless.

This guy didn't do either. It was wicked.

He just sat there and stared. Maybe cried a little. I took it as a rebellion against the predetermined path we're put on as children that determine what we're willing to deal with as adults, forming a pattern that doesn't end but somehow, little by little, causes culture progression enough that we eventually break out of that habit after a few generations. Like I said, some truly wicked stuff.

Thinking about it now though, the video probably just froze. Huh. Never mind.
I’m really good at
Oh, this is a good one!
The first things people usually notice about me
Well, I remember one time I was shopping at Walmart and had this kid in the same aisle that was yelling really loudly because he couldn't get cookies. I didn't quite like that. Thought it was a bad parenting style. I mean, I don't have kids, and while I want kids, maybe I just don't know what I'm talking about. So, I'm browsing the aisle and the kid just wouldn't stop, so I decided I was going to just come back later when they were gone.

I walked over to those carts that have old CDs that no one bought for like, $.50. I'm looking through those (and seriously, how many Shania Twain CDs do you need? By my count, 48.) when I see another kid talking to his father. So like... I'm a big game guy. And this kid was asking his dad:

"Daddy, can i get the new 3ds?"
"you already got the mario game! you're not gettin another"
"no but daaaaadddd it's a neewwww 3ds. not an ooooollldddd onneee"
"you have the mario game! you're not gettin' another one! i'm taking yours away until you realize how good you have it"

And so the kid started crying. Poor kid. It's not his fault or the dad's fault. Nintendo is just REALLY bad at naming things.

So I took my Shaniah Twain CD, and bought my Chips Ahoy. And I left.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Oh man. I remember the Nintendo 64.

I got mine on a birthday I think. My parents tried really hard to surprise me with it, too, which is nice of them. But I was THICK, my god.

So, I'm 8 years old, yeah? And they send me downstairs to grab a jar of Mayo. Thinking back, they don't eat mayo, and I knew that, so I'm not sure what i was thinking.

But I go downstairs. Looking the pantry. No mayo. Now I'm nervous. I easily overlook things like that, so I double check before telling them there is none (duh we don't eat mayo). They get this face like "uh... what the hell?" (That face where someone has missed something so blindingly obvious that not realizing it is just surprising. A fluke in the person's thinking that you just want to ignore because you'd be embarrassed otherwise)

So they send me down again. Telling me not to come up without Mayo. So I go downstairs, kinda mad because it's my birthday. And in the middle of the floor (seriously, in the middle. nothing surrounding it. plain as day) there was an N64! Holy crap! That's awesome! I wonder who it's for?

Welp. I stayed downstairs for a good 10 minutes before someone came down. And it was because I couldn't find any mayo. So I didn't come back upstairs because I didn't want to get that disappointed look pointed my way. My mom walks downstairs and asks me what I'm doing.

"I can't find mayo and i don't want dad to be mad at me."

And she gives the embarrassed what the hell look again. And she points at the N64.

"Did you see that?"
"Yeah. Is it for Robert's birthday?"

I didn't know someone could give the same look so often. but it can happen.

"it's yours..."


And that's why my parents don't set up surprises for me anymore.
Six things I could never do without
Alright. We need to talk.

You forgot to get S'mores last night. I don't think I can live with someone that doesn't bring S'mores to a movie night.

I'm sorry. It's not you, it's my inability to stop eating S'mores all the fucking time. You're great. But you're not S'mores.
You should message me if
Short Stories

As a woman, you fit all of these categories: http://www.clickhole.com/article/7-nonexistent-traits-look-your-next-boyfriend-1452
The two of us