I am happily monogamous in a relationship with someone I adore. So if you aren't that interested in slow-paced conversations and friendships that will never become romantic or sexual, you’re only going to end up disappointed with me. Furthermore, my time for even conversations and friendships is limited and therefore I'm getting really selective about those, so you might still be disappointed.
Basically – if you don't want to risk disappointment in any sense (also, if fairly long profiles annoy you), it would probably be best to stop right here and look elsewhere. (And also to stop having expectations and hopes in general.) Okay, then!
I briefly left OkCupid after I met my boyfriend (txdarkangel) here. I came back ostensibly just for the fun of taking tests and comparing my results to his. But it turns out that I'm here for several reasons, including exploration of self and others and self through others, and other reasons I'm still thinking about and some that I think I've gotten over (for the most part).
And this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AtCR6P5rsXU
OkC is a satisfying playground for an introvert like me who is fascinated with people. I like seeing how people present themselves in every aspect of their profiles through words and images, which I take the time to absorb. I read explanations of answers to questions...and write lengthy ones myself. I like the process of creating and revising my profile as a way to contemplate and express myself. I'm trying not to skip any questions (unless they just get too ridiculous, I guess) so that I have to confront the discomfort that comes up around some of my honest answers. (Plus it's fun to explain why some questions and answer sets are bad.) I'm getting better at being more honest and straightforward with people who message me, hoping that practice will reinforce my efforts to do the same in face-to-face interactions.
When circumstances and whims align, I really do like corresponding with people. But I limit my time here, and those occasions are inconsistent. I don't always initiate or reply to messages even when I'd like to. More about all that at the bottom.
Anyway, here’s what remains of my previous profile, increasingly modified as time goes on:
I still haven’t got it all together. And I’m still stumbling down a healing path of awareness, acceptance, and love, not knowing where that will ultimately take me. I want to drop preconceived ideas of who I am and who I should be (and who others are and who they should be) and just discover myself and others and everything in every moment. I want to move through ambivalence and loosen up my idealism in order to balance my life of introspection with outer experience, experimenting with taking more action, accepting failure as part of the process, and feeling my way through life. And yet at the same time, I want to step out from under the crushing pressure of the overwhelming amount of things I tell myself I could be doing and learning and get better at just being. I want to open myself up, allowing myself to flow freely with life, experiencing everything it has to offer me in every moment and allowing whatever it has to offer to others through me to flow out.
Having said all that, I still haven’t given up trying to define myself, even though I’m also trying not to limit myself to those definitions, so here are some more specific things about me up to this point:
(Enneagram type: 4w5, and I do relate to those descriptions. MB type: INFP. I also feel like mentioning the following things, though you shouldn't make assumptions about what they mean or meant to me; you can ask instead if they interest you: Right Use of Will, non-violent communication, holotropic breathwork, 5 Rhythms and related types of dance/movement, A.J. Miller.)
My ex-husband recently told me I am emotionally eccentric and should embrace that. I'm going with it.
I meander through most spheres of life at a very leisurely pace, often lost in contemplation or a quest for perfection. I tend to focus best on one thing at a time.
I prefer interacting with others one-on-one and sometimes, for limited amounts of time, in small, intimate groups.
I process information slowly and feel that I am better at expressing myself in writing (a slow and laborious process that I love) than verbally.
So, fewer experiences is fine with me. I want to extract as much as I can from each one.
Like everyone else, I’ve been damaged.
Other things: I'd rather relocate than kill little creatures that find their way into my home. (I'm sorry: mosquitoes, fruit flies, and a few other occasional insect exceptions.) I like, and sometimes need, silence. I love discovering accidental scenes of beauty, unintended humor, secondhand treasures for next to nothing, and any other unexpected pleasure. I’m a night owl. I’m both delicate and strong. Sometimes I lick my plate. I love order but I really have to work at creating it. I want to always approach life as a series of interesting problems to solve…or just to let go of. I’m generally, theoretically at least, an advocate of radical honesty; being honest with oneself can be the trickiest part.
From all outward appearances, it may look like I am not doing much with my life. And I’m getting more okay with that.
I’d like to spend more time in nature because it’s so restorative. I’d also like to travel someday...or not.
-Eros the Bittersweet, by Anne Carson – This challenged, frustrated, and thrilled me. I vacillated between finding it ridiculous, and fascinating and brilliant, irrelevant and poignantly, painfully relevant. I read it because another OkC user referred to it as possibly "the most perfect piece of scholarly nonfiction ever", and while I don't know about that, I'm certainly glad I did.
-Ragnarok: The End of the Gods, by A.S. Byatt – I savored this slowly, like a rich dessert, one small bite at a time. I followed it with Villy Sørensen's The Downfall of the Gods, mentioned by Byatt, for another take (which I also loved) on the Norse myth. Loki began appearing in my life almost a year ago (2015), including in the form of these books, and I'm interested in why that is.
-The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up, by Marie Kondo, and Clutter Busting, by Brooks Palmer – I love the subject of uncluttering so much I could hoard books on it. But now I intend to break my addiction to reading about it and feeling inspired, and actually reform my relationship with possessions. I think the second book above gets to the heart of the issue and the first one gives an elegantly simple way to approach it. And I'm going to apply the ideas and approach to activities and relationships as well.
-The Little Prince, by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry – I am still moved by this.
-The Road, by Cormac McCarthy – Exquisitely written and with some moments of beauty, it's still the most horrifying thing I've ever read, breaking down more pieces of my psyche. I didn't really buy the ending...or necessarily even want to.
-Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim, by David Sedaris
-The Diamond Age: Or, A Young Lady's Illustrated Primer, by Neal Stephenson – Loved this!
-The Deepest Acceptance: Radical Awakening in Ordinary Life, by Jeff Foster
-The One Thing Holding You Back: Unleashing the Power of Emotional Connection, by Raphael Cushnir – While I'm not so fond of what I perceive as gimmicky marketing ("do this and I guarantee all your dreams will come true!"), it is the most concise and helpful material I've read so far on how to feel emotions (and if that sounds obvious and/or ridiculous to you, talk to me about it!).
Here's something else I read that made me laugh and cry: "Adventures in Depression" – Parts One and Two
And for some reason, I feel that I also want to mention Playing By Heart: The Vision and Practice of Belonging, by O. Fred Donaldson and The Lazy Man's Guide to Enlightenment, by Thaddeus Golas, which is found in entirety here.
-Ink – About shame and self-acceptance.
-V for Vendetta
-1408 – This was relentless – I've never been so tense and jumpy through an entire movie, which may not be saying much since I haven't watched many horror movies (my boyfriend talked me into it...and got deliberately whacked with my protective blanket after the last unexpected jump scene). I read the short story afterwards, but thought the movie was better – deeper and more complex.
-Lost Highway – My boyfriend was kind enough to tolerate my commentary throughout this movie, which he had seen before, understanding that it was my way of coping with it. (Generally, I don't approve of talking much, sometimes at all, during movies.) I didn't think I liked it, but the more I thought about it and read about how other people interpreted it and what David Lynch himself had to say about it, the more I appreciated it.
-Amélie – Still one of my very favorites (except for one thing about it).
-Fight Club – Made me think about getting down to the fundamentals of existence, sorting out the things that really matter, and getting intensely present in our own lives.
-The Spirit of the Beehive – I loved the way it lingered over the details of its subjects, and the rich and powerful silence in it.
I don't watch much TV these days, but my favorites from the past were: Northern Exposure, Masterpiece Theatre, Nature, Daria, NOW with Bill Moyers, Freaks and Geeks, Babylon 5
2/8/15 – I'm watching Avatar: The Last Airbender with my daughter and it's so good! I was surprised. (And then we went on to The Legend of Korra – also good.)
I've taken to adding songs I hear via internet radio or other people which appeal to me in one way or another to a playlist. Here it is.
Currently listening to a lot of Liquid Divine and Lycia (November 2015).....Siouxsie and the Banshees (July 2016)...Joanna Newsom's album, "Divers" (August 2016), which was recommended by a friend as "music and poetry like no other", and it is. Sufjan Steven's "Carrie & Lowell" (December 2016).
Old favorites: Tori Amos (up through Scarlet's Walk), Baroque music, Enya, Davíd Garza, The Innocence Mission (up through Birds of Our Neighborhood), Loreena McKennitt, Admiral Twin fka Mellowdramatic Wallflowers (Tulsa band), October Project, Radiohead, Renaissance music, Toad the Wet Sprocket, and much, much more
Stuff that I've gotten into since 2012, in somewhat chronological order: Sufjan Stevens, Regina Spektor, Covenant, Imogen Heap, Apoptygma Berzerk, Fiona Apple, Massive Attack, Amanda Palmer, NIN, Universal Hall Pass, Amon Tobin, Björk (though I liked her before 2012, too), Faith and the Muse (and related stuff)
All kinds of desserts and chocolate. Spaghetti. Fruit. (So sensual. Two of my most vivid food memories are of a pear and an uncommonly good honeydew melon.) Fried stuffed avocados! Coffee and tea.
-sensual pleasures of all kinds
-intimate human connection
-variety (but also some comforting sameness and routine)
-freedom (though I also like structure and guidance)
-the ability to interpret the title of this section loosely
-honesty. What is the truth?
-motivation, my lack of it, and what to do about it...
-in reference to my behavior, "Is this (or would this be) a loving act?" ...and if not, then, "What IS a loving thing to do in this situation?" (Well, I'm trying to think about this more and more.)
-how to distill my life, my speech, my writing (obviously I have a long way to go).
Or, how about some thoughts I wrote down on 12-6-15:
I don't want to have goals or dreams; they feel oppressive.
I love everything within me. I love my jealousy and obsessiveness and confusion and irritation and hatred and coldness and selfishness and immaturity and fears and anxiety and laziness and depression and uncertainty. Or rather, I love all the parts that feel these things. I love my failures...or, the parts of me that fail, no matter how often they do.
(I don't fully love all those things yet, but I'm moving closer.)
Why am I afraid of exposing my ignorance or anything else, any other failure, I've felt ashamed of? I have imagined infinitely worse things than what anyone else thinks of me.
Like any animal, I need no purpose for my life. I do not need to justify my existence. As far as I know, I did not choose to be born.
-you think we might be on similar, or at least intersecting, paths, and/or
-you want to practice radical honesty, or
-you like my profile, live nearby, and unschool your child(ren), or
-you're strange enough to end up listening to everything in my music links and you like all of it. I mean, what are the odds of that? Or
-you have been drawn toward the idea of intentional community, but eventually abandoned or rejected it, or
-any number of other reasons I can't predict, and
-meeting in person is not your immediate or primary goal* (unless you're an unschooling parent).
You are welcome to message me, but as stated above, whether or not (and when) I reply to any given message is based on how I'm feeling and what else is going on at the time. When people don't respond to me, I don't get offended; I hope you don't either. Interactions based on real desires to engage in them are much preferable to forced polite exchanges based solely on feelings of an obligation to be "nice." Insincere "niceness" isn't nice. All that said, if I don't reply to a message and you'd really like to know why, I will most likely tell you if you ask. In fact, I'll probably be willing to answer most (sincere) questions that are more specific than all the variants and relations of "How are you?" (which are fine in an already established connection, but seem inauthentic and not very meaningful when trying to open a conversation with someone new).
*It takes time and enough interest and feeling of connection to motivate me to make the effort (and it is an effort right now) to meet someone. Realistically, that's unlikely to happen, but it's not completely out of the question because I know that sometimes the effort is worthwhile.