39Portland, United States
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My self-summary
Hermity hermit un-hermiting. Non-artist bored bored bored into making art. And filling out online profiles. Moderately green thumbed conscious omnivore bicycle dude, metabolism-of-a-goddamn-hummingbird having world traveller and master of the run on sentence, I like to read the paper everyday. I think that's a good thing to do, and I'm like Indiana Jones if Indiana Jones went to third world flea markets instead of stealin' people's shit.

I have walked around shitty neighborhoods on six continents. For fun, I rode a bike through the traffic of downtown Saigon on a Friday at 5 pm. I pay the homeless to watch my stuff as needed. I'm a reasonably brainy INTP but am gullible as shit. Not as gullible as my brother, though, thank god, and I invented my own quitting smoking program called "the omelette plan" and it totally works.

Tonight I bowled a personal record 7 strikes in a row but failed to meet my strict pinball standards afterward. I made a respectable dent in J.R.R. Tolkien's The Hobbit after putting it down unfinished sometime in the 4th grade.

Some of that is obviously very 'time of writing' specific.

Hey, it it just me or is Tolkein's grammar, like, REALLY inconsistent? Dude throws down semicolons super random... wait, 'threw' them. SELF-GRAMMAR-CHECK SLAPDOWN.

Favorite quote (which I nonetheless always misquote) :

"To talk nonsense in one's own way is almost better than to talk a truth that is someone else's."

F. Dostoevsky

- close second -

"Morality is the herd-instinct in the individual."

F. Nietzsche

I allow pest-eating spiders to hang out and have babies as long as they keep that shit far away from me and with the understanding that I'm throwing those little fuckers out the window the second they hit 18 in spider years.
What I’m doing with my life
I wanna talk about books and I wanna talk about nonsense. Let's start with books.

UPDATE : Blackass, by A. Igoni Barrett, is fantastic as a Nigerian Kafka remake. I Dreamed I Was A Very Clean Tramp by Richard Hell was one of the worst things I've ever read, but Under The Big Black Sun by John Doe & Friends pulled me back from the brink. About to finish Neil Stephenson's Seveneves.

Despite me being straight and him being married, Henry K. from the band Hillstomp will be on my arm as my wedding date in rwo weeks. I'm calling that a win!


But other than that...
Gradually working towards hitting every country in the world and swiping wheat-pasted posters that I can't read.

You see that thing about The Hobbit up there? Done. Yay for books! Continuing to murder that Tolkien shit beginning to end just to keep the names straight. One and a half months and almost done. Again.
There, done!
Ooh ooh oh, moved on to Paul Theroux...

Hey, hey, skimming travel books on SE Asia while novel juggling...

Been kinda doin' a clean living thing without becoming a hippie about it, wearing shorts of my own free will for the first time in my life and prancing around like a goddamn show-pony.

Also, something super-special!

Also, teaching myself to draw tiny colored-pencil paintings!

Also, writing and then not saving updated OKCupid profile statements!

Also, buying expensive bike lights that APPARENTLY DON'T FIT ON MY GODDAMN BIKE.

Also! Also! Also!

HEY! Done with One Hundred Years Of Solitude (mmm, I dunno...) and on to Exodus by Leon Uris. Did I mention that I recently read Modelland by Tyra Banks? That shit was unacceptable. I LOVED it.
I’m really good at
Smartassery and, um, being honest?
Walking around Eastern European housing projects.
Counting to ten in bahasa. Okay. To five.
Being aware of what's going on in the world.
Almost being on time or early!
Knowing "Informer" by Snow word for word and ripping it at karaoke. And then following up on it with "Pet Semetary" by the Ramones. But then again, nobody says they suck at karaoke do they? Oh, they do? Well, then I'm REAL GOOD at sucking at karaoke!

Hmm, how about breaking 200 with the house ball at AMF Lanes on Powell?

Ooh, I know! Not taking cellphone selfies in the bathroom.

I am insanely good at Tetris and have a 100% victory rate in Settlers Of Catan, although that's probably because I've only played it once.

I can beat Super Mario Brothers 2 in one life.
The first things people usually notice about me
Gym-kid arms and shoulders, bicyclist waist and legs.
Am I in a tank top? You will notice that shit, damnit!

I get excited about dumb stuff, pretty much all the time. Dumber the better. I may not be able to contain myself without serious effort.

OOH! I smell BETTER when I sweat! That's true! Y'know, to a point.

That I have, like, ADHD?

UPDATE! Just told earlier today that I smell good! See? And never, not once in my life, have I worn cologne. Fuggin' gross.

UPDATE UPDATE! Told YET AGAIN that I smell good. I'm tellin' ya, I just tasted my shoulder and I'm a freakin' saltlick, and I STILL smell good... and I spent today walking around downtown Phnom Penh, weaving in and out of moto traffic soaking up exhaust and dust (good luck keepin' on the sidewalk out here) and it was 90 degrees outside. Thanks, Mom & Dad!

(Again, a bit time sensitive, but who am I to break up a good rant?)

UPDATE! I noticed a few days ago that I had randomly answered exactly 666 "about me" questions so I absolutely refuse to answer any more... I mean, THAT'S a sign.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
I like exotic and spicy food, most everything amuses me, and I've got a warm place reserved in my heart for bad movies that know that they're bad, hoity-toity art-disasters, and expired gender roles in my 1950's sci-fi literature (Heinlein, I'm lookin' at you).

I like, like, lotsa stuff. I'm kinda all over the place. Hmm.

OH GOD, every day I add a bit more to this profile and die a bit more on the inside, but keeping with the tradition I suppose I'll add that I've been on a Wire / Dead Moon kick lately. Man, Wire is good. I am super gay for Townes Van Zandt and Neko Case in her finer moments... The New York Dolls? Yes please.

I like a lot of experimental punk rock, Deerhoof, Lightning Bolt, Men's Recovery Project... Blonde Redhead is good, but kinda disappointing live, ya know? Sonic Youth to St Vincent.

My first show after movin' out was Bikini Kill. Last one... Japanther? That can't be right... I feel like I should put in that I don't miss Jonathan Richman (who I've been listening to since before I was born, no joke) or Daniel Johnston (who I've had an emotional affair with since the early '90s) concerts. EVER.

I think I'm up to having seen Melt Banana 7 or 8 times over the past 20 years.

Anybody else out there read Clown Girl? I love stuff like that, Geek Love, Jamestown, uh, Kung Fu High School has a warm place in my heart... like every other literate jerk out there, I am flush with admiration for the Russian greats, some of which I was forced to read in Russian. That sucks, by the way.

If anyone has read Wizard of the Crow by Ngugi wa Thiong’o and it wasn't for school they get a gazillion-bajillion smartypants points.

A Troma short was filmed in my old basement. Yes, I smoked them out.

SWEET MOSES, I just re-read Wizard of the Crow, and that there is my nomination for the "Best Book I've Ever Read" award!

Jeff VanderMeer has changed the game on a Neal Stephenson level.
Six things I could never do without
I'd be mentally and emotionally f'd without my bike / fitness routine. Uh, the daily paper, coffee (I don't care how terrible it has to be, it's probably gonna have to happen if I'm gonna use my words), a variety of functioning pinball tables, my shitty guitar and getting the hell out of the United States, like, once a year. I know that everyone says that but I'm fairly serious about it. Hell, I'm drinking an Angkor beer 15 hours in the future on the other side of the planet RIGHT NOW.

Can I add commas for a quick seventh? If not I'll just go back, use some more commas, and consolidate the stuff above into more complex sentences.

Ohmygawd, now I wanna build a grammar-themed pinball table!
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Do you know how many sequels hey made to The Crow? DO YOU?
The horror... the horrrrror.

Hmm... I'm gonna make a temporary notation here, since it won't be accurate for too much longer, but Jesus Christ, it is hard to book a room not built out of mold, rats and cockroaches without shelling out $200 a night in a pariah state that lacks functioning electricity or internet access.

I've been wondering how far I could go with this profile, making it a readable stand-alone work or novella, whether or not there are any real limitations in size or content. I'm not kidding.

I've been considering opening a faux-lady account just so I can get a taste of the creepy-creep lame-o messages that other dudes apparently send out when fishin' the okc. Oh wait, I actually DID do that and it's weird and gross.

In general, though...

Current events and politics and history and the future as they're blowin' up all over our too-dumb-to-notice faces.
Tiny pencil drawings and mastery of coloring schemes.
My "Morrissey" as I practice-scream my way around town on my bicycle.
The Dead Milkmen.
Trying to pay attention to stuff and whatnot and people and things, right?
Maps and distant travel plans. Wait, NOT so distant! Yay!
Abstract poly-sci crap.
Long term vs short term.
That part in the beginning of The Lost Boys where the second guy killed is offed trying to pressure his girlfriend into car sex and all she wants to do is read her comic book and HEY MAN BACK OFF ALREADY, SHE'S TRYING TO READ THAT FUCKING COMIC BOOK, OKAY?!
The intellectual capacity of insects.

How chemtrails are a GODDAMN CONSPIRACY THEORY and are not real and how much it pisses me off since it's a goddamn deflection from ACTUAL PROBLEMS in the world. Ugh. Sorry. THAT has been driving me crazy. They're called "contrails" people, and they're not new, they are a byproduct of condensation stimulated by flight : http://youtu.be/n5zxPgzZc8E

Holy shit, I always knew that Mordor was in Turkmenistan! Here's something REAL to be concerned about : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7we6mz0TyZA
On a typical Friday night I am
Well, if we're talking about THIS Friday, then I've been working over a trip to see that flaming crater in Turkmenistan I just put a link to up above,,,

If I can manage to get off work at a semi-reasonable hour, I'm probably trying to get to the gym before they close. This almost never pans out. So, more likely I'll be...

Leaving the next door coffee shop feeling ridiculous trying to wake up from my work-monday, feeling like I should be all like "Whoo! Friday night!" but, um, not being like that at all.

Reading or writ... er, more like editing endlessly...

Uh, honing my substantial pinball skills over well-soda?

Sharpening colored pencils? I'm a self taught drawing drawer since recently deciding to give a shit.

Hey, look, it's Friday night right now! I'd much rather be out getting a bite to eat or catching a late movie than doing this crap. Just saying. Or shows, I remember going to those...
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I'm pretty willing to admit just about anything, I think I do it on accident anyway so just put on some socks and get ready to have them BLOWN THE HELL OFF.

Um, let's see... guess I should put something more substantial in here... there used to be posters of me hung up in Malaysian shopping malls, which is rad because then the girl in a hijab working concessions at cosmic bowling almost drops your drink when she recognizes you. How's about that? Not really private as far as the tale goes, but I sure as shit keep the crappy calendar from the photo shoot privately hidden away.

I kinda almost hit a landing airplane with a car once?
CORRECTION. It was a truck vs airplane scenario. My bad.

I love America's Next Top Model. Fer reals. SHIT, I just missed it! Did Phil get booted off yet? Phil sucks. FUCK YOU, PHIL, fuck you and your stupid face and the stupid Coldplayesque-uneven-too-many-zippers-and-straps jackets your "designer" girlfriend conned you into wearing on national teevee... You might as well be wearing the puffy shirt from Seinfeld, you ass!

GOD I hate Phil so much right now...

I should really update this thing in it's entirety, but let's just say that lately I've gotten really into trying to figure out when musical acts are lip syncing. And then hatin' on 'em.

Oh, and Kevin Hart KILLED IT on Saturday Night Live...

You should message me if
Dude. C'mon, do it or don't. Let's go to the flea market and buy VHS tapes and Cheap Trick records! There's a good one in Riga...

You know. You know why. Wait, you don't? Well i sure as shit don't know, I'm too distracted feeding candy to ants creeping out from the cracks in the sidewalk to focus on WAIT WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!!! Sorry. Got distracted. AGAIN.

I need an excuse to go out and not cook for myself and since all my friends have oppositional work schedules or kids, although I'm kinda treating this OKC thing like a video game I'm actually pretty invested in bringing some fresh blood into my life and getting outta my normal stomping grounds... too many holes stomped into the grounds of said stomping grounds, ya know?

If you try not to suck, I swear I'll do the same. You might get a pencil drawing outta it.
The two of us