36 Arlington, United States
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My self-summary
***Spring 2016: Healing is hard, yall! I transitioned into a new stage of caregiving late last year and have been practicing more intensive self-care, but it's a grainy dirt hill with lots of sliding back/down/around. At the top of that hill: a Master's Degree (I start in the fall). Meanwhile, there's so much more we could all be doing to be good to ourselves and our loved ones and simplify our lives... As such, I can go months at a time without logging in here. My priorities have shifted so far that I doubt I'll have this profile (already 11 years old!) past the end of this year. If you reach out and there's a chance you'll delete your profile, feel free to send an email address and a reference point. I'm iffy about IMing on a dating site, but I do still like correspondence. I also occasionally host local workshops on non-monogamous relationships; search "Poly Beyond the Bedroom" if you're curious.***


I was born (and remain) The Luckiest Bastard on Earth™; I grew up in a well-hyphenated family; I was an excellent student in mediocre schools then a mediocre student at an excellent college; I lived boring lives in the two most exciting cities on the East Coast and worked very hard as a hands-off activist; I heard about polyamory and for some reason decided it would be easier to explore back in my conservative home state (and I was right). Over the years since, I've gradually alienated most of the people who'd once begged me to come back; I've found love(s) when I wasn't looking and come to view "expectation" as a four-letter-word; I got deeper into activism, then facilitation, and some misguided attempts at community-building, but now I am suspicious of anyone who follows me too easily.

I've spent years honing my personal guidelines for self-awareness and communication, but I've put them on the back-burner to become a better caregiver to my personal hero as he faces dementia. I put myself in an activism time-out to heal from disillusionments and learn from my mistakes.

I am enthusiastic, peaceful, and quixotic.
What I’m doing with my life
I'm a 24/7 caregiver for an elderly relative and an over-communicator the rest of the time. I'm not as good at math as I used to be...

I am passionate about music, informed and enthusiastic consent, & amplifying the voices of marginalized peoples. In Texas. I told you I was quixotic. I don't ever want to stop learning and growing, so I tend to eschew any labels that may get in the way.

I have been polyamorous for over a decade, and most of my strongest relationships started on this site. We've spent the last two years in survival mode from a series of unfortunate events that would make a soap opera writer dubious, but we did it together and there were days when I didn't believe anyone else in the world would ever accept me again (including myself... which was new). At the time, I felt my entire worldview collapsing in on me, but now I see it as the universe grounding this over-busy optimist in more realistic perspectives. I still have a lot of questions I'm trying to answer, as well as occasional spikes in anxiety (that was new also), but mostly I'm just trying to break the bad habits I picked up in survival-mode and invite playfulness back into my life.

Of course all of this fits in the cracks left by my top priority, caregiving. I wax philosophic about it constantly, because some estimates have 1/3 of all Americans alive today becoming a caregiver at some point in their lives and I am the first in my social circle. On my best days, I see caregiving as a spiritual exercise, the ultimate training in mindfulness and presence and all that crap, which everything else must complement or be discarded. On my worst days, it was the only thing I knew was right when everything else felt wrong.
I’m really good at
Acceptance. Patience. Re-humanizing anyone. Applying Chap Stick with one hand. Writing. Crafting excellent playlists. Driving. Illustration. Syntax. Bizarre analogies. Karaoke. Imperfection. Negotiating and honoring boundaries you never knew were negotiable (as well as those you did). Flexibility.

During the worst year of my life, I was called the nicest person on the internet.

I try to take nothing for granted. I often document and analyze the patterns of my life and experimenting toward subtle internal improvements (because I happen to believe that smaller changes often make a greater difference); most of the time, you won't be able to tell, because I engage intensely and I NEVER apply such practices to other people without their asking.
The first things people usually notice about me
From farthest to closest: Tall, white, male...ish? Pretty, kinda femme. Vibrantly colored clothing. Expressive eyes. Articulate hands. Attentive brain. Big heart. Strong ventricles. O+ blood.

If anyone likes me by my reputation before even meeting me, I get guarded very quickly. I spent all of my teens wanting to be popular, succeeded in my 20s, and have been running in the opposite direction throughout my 30s...
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Your faves are problematic. So are mine.

My favorite narratives (mostly novels) seem to star intellectual white dudes deepening their understanding of the world around them and indulging their curiosities to accomplish something greater than themselves at any cost (Arrowsmith, Zen & The Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, The Count of Monte Cristo, Frankenstein--1818 edition, Cat's Cradle). I'm not sure whether this all says more about me or local English curricula, since as an adult I seem to buy 100 books for every one that I actually read. I enjoy Mark Twain, but I'm not sure I've ever actually finished reading anything he finished writing.
For nonfic, I like anything that examines intersectionality, particularly domestic identities of race, class, and sexuality, or anything that blurs the interdisciplinary line: socially-aware memoirs, cosmological histories, academic storytelling, that kind of stuff. I recommend Opening Up to the poly/poly-curious and The Usual Error to anyone who interacts with anyone else ever.

Movies: I like flippant comedies with heart or a subversive serious ending: I <3 Huckabees, Ghostbusters, Bamboozled, Short Bus, Bulworth. Guilty pleasures include Love Actually and Hamlet 2.

Shows--Musicals or TV? Let's do both!
Theater: Les Misérables, Rent, Man of La Mancha... okay, I've seen and enjoyed other shows, but these are the ones I always come back to; I'm really curious to see the latest revival of Porgy & Bess, though (thanks in no small part to the legacy of Ella & Louis).
TV: M*A*S*H, Six Feet Under, OITNB, Malcolm in the Middle, Avatar: The Last Airbender, Key & Peele, Leverage, Red Dwarf, Clone High, Blackadder, Sens8, Life (2007 cop drama... sort of... I swear that show was originally written for an audience of me!). Guiltiest pleasure would be Gilmore Girls (not because it's any threat to my awkward masculinity, but because of fairytale class stuff). Anyone remember Nothing Sacred from 1997? Just me??? My favorite Star Trek is DS9, my favorite Doctor is 10 (though 11 gets better story arcs + River Song), and I want to throw something at the TV any time BBC America advertises "original programming". Oh, and I saw Serenity before I ever watched Firefly and I came out understanding and enjoying each just fine.

I love and still buy CDs. Not exclusively, but affectionately. My favorite CDs tend to feature what Pandora calls "busy horns" and singer-songwriters who aren't afraid to embrace pop. Janelle Monáe 's Electric Lady never left my car in 2014... She is everything I ever hoped for in a musician! Other faves include Dave Matthews Band's Big Whiskey & The Groo Grux King, Duke Ellington at Newport, Esthero's Wikkid Lil Grrrls, Terri Hendrix, St. Vincent, Asylum Street Spankers, Prince, MIKA, Dresden Dolls/Amanda Palmer, Stevie Wonder, and Modest Mouse. My favorite classical composer is probably Smetana, based only on a single piece (Gershwin might be my second). I like dynamic music (and Oxford commas). I grew up on Billy Joel and Jim Croce, but it was MC Hammer and Arrested Development where I really started to find my own musical bearings; these artists hold a special place in my heart.

My diet has been in almost constant flux over the last year, when it wasn't existing allergies getting worse or being diagnosed Celiac (gluten sensitive), it was the ever-changing needs of my caregivee. I'm kind of starting from scratch and trying to learn to cook on a daily basis for the first time in my life. Up to this point, when I would cook, it was a slow, occasional endeavor, likely some variation on the recipe: "combine ingredients you like, prepare until done": stir-fries, smoothies, tasty combinations of cheese and cracker...
When I eat out, my first choice is likely to be something familiar that I know how to order: Chipotle, Jason's Deli, pizza, wings, barbeque, Indian, or Thai.
I am also pretty serious about tea, but only if I can find a perfect steep without having to add milk or sugar.

I'm a gold-star teetotaler (never consumed alcohol) and have been trying to figure out how important a part of my life that is. It's not a deal-breaker for me if it isn't for you, but I have a thousand social lubricants I prefer.

No spot for games and video games? Well, I like social games (e.g. Apples to Apples, Monte Python Fluxx, Chrononauts), social video games (Mario Kart, Rock Band -- as long as I get to drum), and pretty much all the Final Fantasy games ever.
The six things I could never do without
Hot tea, water on my skin, Communication, music that engrosses me, flirtation, room to stretch.
I spend a lot of time thinking about

Privilege, and whether I can be certain that no one is certain of anything.

Masculinity, and how to exist in a society that accepts so much BS from men.

What layer to shed next.
On a typical Friday night I am
Hanging out with one or more of my amazing lovers, hearing about their weeks and planning to make the most of the short weekend.

Watering the yard for my caregivee.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I'm a communication fetishist. Even when I'm not seeking new relationships, I have found profile revision to be very helpful practice for self-articulation. For years I kept my profile up here - even when I wasn't actively looking -- just for the practice: the better I got at self-articulation, the easier it was to practice elsewhere.

When I'm tired of talking about myself (which is more often than this profile might imply), I find great comfort in browsing profiles and just being reminded that so many interesting and attractive people are out there. Fills my extrovert bucket (or is it a thimble at this point?) when I need to be a homebody.

Also: I know BDSM & poly are like bread-and-butter in this area, but I should make it clear that I connect better with sex-positive/kinky types who don't comfortably identify with the local dungeon scene (and those four letters in particular).
You should message me if
You understand why a cisdude wouldn't want to make the first move.
You are (or have been) a caregiver and want to commiserate.
You are passing through town (or will be) and want to find local outliers to show you around.
You liked my Poly-Gon Quiz and want to discuss more.
You are regularly up late or free during weekday afternoons. My evenings and weekends are usually full, but I get frustrated when anyone conflates having atypical hours with being "busy".

I can be attracted to a broad range of individuals; what fosters compatibility, though, is a dedicated self-awareness and self-articulation. I'd much rather spend time with someone who is a mess and knows it than someone who thinks they have it all figured out; a disaster that has already happened is easier for me to trust than a disaster waiting to happen.

I am especially fond of those rejecting gender essentialism ("men are men, women are women"), but my gender theory is rusty so I'm probably not the gender abolitionist you are seeking, either (yet). DMAB, I do not identify as trans, but I am somewhere in the neighborhood of genderqueer/nonbinary.

I really am here for friends in addition to the other stuff. I'm always happy to make a patient digital connection now for friendship or something low-key down the road, and I doubt you'll find anyone else in the Metroplex who is as open, curious, and flexible about negotiating boundaries. Pen pals welcome!

I am very touchy-feely and sensual, but I can turn it on or off based on another person's expressed comfort. I am open to unattached sex/play/cuddling/intimacy, pending negotiations, but attraction is only part of compatibility and I WILL NOT MAKE THE FIRST MOVE. I love letting connections evolve over time per both parties' needs and wishes, so there's no harm in taking a friendship approach to start.

YOU SHOULD NOT MESSAGE ME IF: you ever complain about marginalized people being "politically correct" or "making things harder on themselves"; if interpersonal anger comes to you easily and you're okay with that; if you are looking for a leader, teacher, or "dominant"; if you are a very different person on the weekends than during the week; if you describe every single one of your exes as a horrible person but you haven't reflected on the pattern; if you can afford to tip well but don't.