31Manhattan, United States
Join today
Find great matches with our advanced matching system!
Join today
Find great matches with our advanced matching system!
My self-summary
I recently escaped from prison in August dressed as a UPS guy. I couldn't deal with the hourly anal raping from all the guys in there. Why was I in prison? I was the okkiller. I'm only back on here to pick up where I left off. So I hope you are in to that. Ya know being murdered and all.
Well enough about my current events. My life is pretty rad I live at home with my mom in her attic. I get all the free food I want. Lows: she walks in on me pleasuring myself like every day totes annoying am I right? My bed is above her room so we will have to have our one night stand at your place.
What else... What else hmm oh I am now the current leader of an underground army set out to wage war on Storage units. We are thinking of making it into a reality show called Storage Wars. We sneak in to Storage facilities and slightly damage everyones stuff.
I also spend my free time trash diving looking for dog poop and putting it back on the street. I'm just doing my part to help out the homeless. Would you want your second hand food sitting next to some dog food?! I think not. You're welcome homeless. See I'm not a bad guy.
My photos are pretty old by the way. I am down to only one arm. I was juggling chainsaws at union square for money and well since i can't juggle I had a big accident and my heart goes out to all the people affected by my lack of experience. It was pretty pretty pretty messy. Its cool though I crafted a new arm it has a universal remote, a fork, steak knife, a feather for sensual touching, a big black dildo but thats mainly for structure, a sling shot (seriously comes in handy a lot), a subwoofer, an iPad, a walky talky that can only communicate with the voices in my head, a unicycle repair kit (I don't own one, but someday ...sigh someday) two mannequin arms I snatched the wrong arms so I have three right arms now, a broken fiddle, a metal detector, and a stick of deodorant for my good armpit.
I'm looking for a lady that will take long walks on the bank of the east river and look for floating bodies. I'm trying to find my Dad one of the bodies has to be him. I would also like to huff glue together, break into abandon buildings and look for cats; assemble them together and through them a prom. A girl that would like to build forts out of furniture thats on the street awaiting to be thrown out. I seriously need to build a good one Garry my archenemy keeps attacking mine. Garry is this 9 year old that lives in the house behind me. He is such a jerk! I tell him that too I do and I told him he was a mean head and a his breath smells like toe jam. And it does! I wouldn't lie about stuff like that.
What I’m doing with my life
Once I get out of my mothers attic in Queens and sell all my Power Rangers the Movie action figures the world will be my oyster that I gag on then refuse because I only eat Mac and Cheese with ketchup or Spaggettios
I take all my dates to the kitchen then we watch Conan the Barbarian on Laser disc. Yeah thats right Laser Disc the future is here ladies
I’m really good at
Collecting Welfare checks and making my mash potatoes look like the Leaning Tower of Pisa for like 30 seconds longer than Dave can, my little brother, well before he moved out and went to college and got married and had kids of his own; and boy do his kids suck at the leaning tower pisa potato challenge HA! one of them doesn't even know what that is. God three year olds are so stupid
The first things people usually notice about me
My mom says my drooling but I think it is my totally awesome South Park shirts I get at Kmart. that's right Kmart. I pay top dollar for my super hilarious shirts like this one I have of Cartman all angry and stuff and he his cats on it too. And he all like "NO KITTY!!" Dude its so funny I get a lot of complements on it when I eat out at Applebees or in Jersey
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Books: GooseBumps, Box Cart Children, Chicken Noodle Soup for the Soul Teen Addition, How to be an Adult for Dummies
Movies: Care Bears: The Giving Festival, Junior, Disney's Prince of Persia: the Sands of Time, The Love Guru, Switching Goals with the Olsen Twins
Shows: Restaurant Impossible, Pawn Stars, Storage Wars, TLC's Cake Boss, Scoobie Doo, Real House Wives of Tacoma, Washington.
Music: Looney tunes theme song on loop
Food: Whatever my mom doesn't make! ha yeah em I right? (motioning for a high five) ...[to no one] ...*Large Sigh*...Quiet weeping
Six things I could never do without
My mom
My fleshlight (look it up)
My Xbox & PS3
Mountain Dew
I spend a lot of time thinking about
What that smell is... I am beginning to conclude its the corpse of my conjoined twin. They can't remove him because he is growing out of my head and we share parts of the brain
On a typical Friday night I am
Spying on my neighbors. Im trying to solve the case of the new dirt mound in the back of ol' man Warren's house. I haven't seen his wife in three weeks and I think that's what he buried back there. I have been dressing up as Con Ed workers and fire men to try and get to the back yard but so far he has seen right passed my costumes. I and have been planning a route for a tunnel because what I forgot to mention is that Warren has giant guard dog named Bruce that devoured my football in one gulp!
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
the longest I have worn the same pair of boxers without cleaning them was 6 years
You should message me if
You keep your four cats literbox under your bed, only if when I come to pick you up for our date you are not ready. I love waiting for girls to get ready!!! Please talk about your former one night stands!! that's like Xmas and if you are ruined by your ex, I beg you to compare and contrast him to me.
The two of us