[ Transl. from ' Le Petit Livre Du Poche D' Etiquette Du Monsieur Le Duc De Narbonne ', 1764 ].
Wow! Blimey! Sister Mary Frances and St Agnes, Patron of All Virgins! That's told you. Obviously a sound and useful interdict which is, if you think about it, a good advert for Internet Dating . Women are such flighty creatures. And men less than bridling of their passions. Frankly I prefer a more direct approach.
' And then. Madam, to rapture! And shall we two together indulge in such lewd and carnal concupiscence as would make Satan Himself blush iridescent as the red hot coals of Hell. With envy '. [ from Andrew Marvell, The Cavalier. ' To My Sweet'st Mistress. Sleeping. Alone. Abed '. 1649 ]
Just to post up a mini manifesto on the ground, as that superlative nineteenth century diplomat, British Foreign Secretary and all round splendid chap, Lord Grey, remarked, sic, ' Best from the outset to say what is not negotiable. And have done with it. Than spend time eternally on what might be '. [ He liked to get boring Foreign Office business over as quickly as possible, so that he could spend his valuable time shooting on his estates; or at his Club; or at the Gaming Tables; or the Races. And not infrequently, ' Les Salons des Mademoiselles ' of Mayfair, or even the stews of Cheapside, wherein, it is was whispered, he indulged his penchant for little black boys . The true pursuits of a Gentleman ]. On being offered the post of Foreign Secretary he is famously credited with the priceless remark : ' B' dammie, Sirrah! Why in God's name does a foreigner need a secretary when it is well known to all he cannot even speak English ? ' He could have starred in The Pallisers. In fact he did; as it seems Trollope based the character of The Duke of St Bungay on the noble Earl.
Therefore any woman who is not interested in:
The Creative Arts
Cerebral NON!! PC banter. [ No! No! No! Absolutely NO PCs please! And Utterly Absulutely Under Pain of Death NO PC SNOWFLAKES !! ]
Cerebral Interconnect [ Discussion of Thomas Aquinas : 'Summa Theologica ' scores highly as does love of Chaucer's ' Canterbury Tales '... And if you have an interest in Rousseau, ...... Frankly, our Match was made in Heaven! ]
Sex.... Applied, please. Not Cyber.
And Football [ Men's and Women's ]
Or is a TORY !!! [ Utterly non negotiable. I believe all Tories should be taken out and shot and buried in an unmarked grave. Mind, one or two of them who have half decent, human instincts would get a free and fair trial. Before being taken out and shot and buried in an unmarked grave. Recall J. S. Mill : ' Not all stupid people are Tories. But all Tories are stupid people ' ]
Or is not interested in meeting? Like the divine Jane Austen's Miss Anne Elliot met Captain Frederick Wentworth.... ' Suddenly. And without warning...'? Seemingly she was smitten. And experienced voluminous and uncontrollable eruptions in her bodice and beneath her bustle. And became vexatious and unnecessary elsewhere! [ ie beneath her Stays ] OK. So just to be clear; its the ' elsewhere ' I am interested in. And for the Essex Girls who may have managed to struggle this far, I will translate : 'Ere 'Chell. Clock that fuckin' Looker!!Eye Candy or wot!? That a six pack or do I needs t' visit Specsavers? Jeeese I wanna juice ma kecks!! '
Or is a fully paid up, card carrying member of The Sisters. [ Feminist Jihadists who have sworn to wage Holy War against any creature with a penis ].
Or, is looking for what in technical terms is ' A Mills and Boon cocoa and slippers relationship '; with added benefits, ie Walks in the woods..... Holding hands. Possible Matrimony!?....etc ' Please jump ship now. While recalling the wondrous words of the fourth century Patriarch, Theodosius of Cappadocia, ' Mad men get certified. Mad women get married '. He actually said it in Late Middle Syriac, so it does loose in translation. Hang on. Or was it Groucho Marx? Someone like that .
I'm emphatically NOT the one.
I intend to have my five minutes of fun and go to meet my erstwhile Maker [ No. Not God. More likely a funny looking fella with two horns and a tail ] fully accomplished and refreshed. I wish to emulate Chaucer's.Pardoner.....
' Full wal he loven to daunce in cap and goaun. Drink liquor of the vine and haffen a lewd and jollie wench in efery toun '..
I am therefore seeking a determined, serious, amoral, serial, career sexual predator and a true JEZEBEL; with train stopping legs; and a billion dollar brain. ' For when Jehu was come, Jezebel blushed her face, painted her lips, plaited her hair; and looked out her window '. [ Kings 9.30 ]. Minimum seven inch killer stilettos; naughty shorty skirt and black seamed fishnet stockings weren't mentioned in the Bible but nonetheless go down well with me. As also does a Nobel Prize for Literature and a willingness to engage in discussion of Boethius : The Consolation of Philosophy. In the original late Roman Latin text. With Footnotes.
Its so irksome and bothersome. You can't get a reliable Jezebel these days.
I want one! Please. Mind, Girls. Using this Site, you should be mindful of the cautionary observation of Joan Rivers: ' A man does not stick his hand up a woman's skirt looking for a library card '.
If, however, you are a Manchester United supporter, scrub the above. Stuff it. You are forgiven everything - Genocide? Being a Tory?....Whatever. I want to marry you!!!
Also I am highly unlikely to relate to any creature who has any interest in Soaps...Text Gobbledygook; The Game of Thrones; or Play Station; Membership of IS [ International Sisterhood, who seek to establish The Feminist Caliphate ]; is a Millenarian Vegan; or obsessed with Saving the Whale. Or worse a woman who wears underwear instead of Lingerie. Been there. Spectacular mistake. Recall the wise words of Mae West when asked to distinguish between Good and Bad Girls : ' Good Girls wear underwear and always put it on. Bad Girls wear lingerie and always take it off. And Hey! Guess what?...... Bad Girls always have more fun !'
Good. Got that off my chest. If nothing else, I am nothing if not honest.
Any takers? Hmmmm. Thought not. The problem with websites such as these is they tend to reflect the lowest common denominator of the soppy unadventurous . Hey Ho. Never mind. Least its free.
So now.... Here's the Long Version for women who are less impulsive. And who are more accustomed to ploughing through the works of Charles Dickens; Proust; Tolstoy; etc.
Profile? In a nutshell? One kind - and satisfied - lady described me as ' a heterosexual Stephan Fry '. I rather like that. I would have preferred Don Giovanni, but he came to a sticky end. And I don't fancy dating Statues. Mind, I haven't much time for Fatty Fry. Overweight; over educated; over exposed, all over my TV screen know all Oxbridge Poofta with an irritating grin like Bagpuss on heat!!
And as another lady reminded me, whilst having a little dig at the predictable female clientele of this otherwise excellent site : ' Who can find a virtuous woman? For her price is beyond rubies '....... [ Proverbs. 31:10. for the churchgoers out there ]. Trouble is I'm not really interested in virtuous women. Boring. If I wanted to date a nun I'd visit Martin Luther's website. I've had enough of virtuous women and am all virtued out. I want to claim my five minutes of fun. I want a temptress...a mischievous little She- Devil by the tail.
Quintessentially, whatever I say elsewhere : Want to chat and possibly share a date with any women....Like a certain type of woman...Donna Giovanni?.... Puts me in mind of the matchless Mae West in a film, I think it was with Ronald Coleman? ' I only stays married to you, you jerk, so's I can enjoy Adultery!!'.... Priceless! Now there's a REAL woman!! That's the kind I want!
Sorry... Just joking. I can't resist a tease..But I do want a bad? woman who thinks sex rates above shopping for shoes. And yes, I do know that these days ' Sisters are doing for themselves!' All I can say about that is while,leaving aside women who follow the wicked, wanton and woeful ways of Sappho of Lesbos and, sadly, it may disappoint genuine males like me, looking on the bright side it must be most welcome news to all working in the manufacture and distribution of Vibrators and Strap On stimulators. Also I want to make it clear I am not interested in hearing a sales pitch from women whose job description involves employment professionally after dark. Pointless paying for what you can get for free.
Seriously...By BAD, I rather mean FALLEN - below the standards expected of Ladies. Enticing; indisputeably, very, very, unmistakably female and just a touch......dangerous; rather ...than, say, evil. There is a distiction, as anyone who knows the story of Adam and Eve will appreciate. Eve got a bad press. OK. She was a tad dippy, but that serpent has questions to answer and certainly did not behave like a gentleman... Conclusion? Ladies, : Don't take advice from talking snakes! Regrettably, women the world over have not learnt this lesson even to this day and probably beyond...
Having said that, reading my profile, by the way, comes with a health warning. If you do not comprehend fully the meaning of the undervalued words ' facetious '; and ' capricious ', you should heed the words of Butler Yeats, engraved on his tombstone : ' Cast a cold eye... and, Horseman, pass by '. For what it is worth and for anyone who may be remotely interested, I tend to gravitate towards women who appear to have something of the mutinous minx about them; bubbly; effervescent; intellectually curious and the equal of her partner; challenging ; wickedly ambivolent and keen to explore what Andrew Marvell, ' the Cavalier ', called ' the rapture of concupiscence '. In short, I am much more likely to contact or respond at length to those with an obvious streak of the Mermaid, or Siren rather than someone rather more frosty and judgemental; not to mention those who raise a monumental yawn by showering the world with excruciating, toe curling cliches......' Walks on the beach....Nights in......Romantic meals for two....' PASS ME THE SICK BAG, PRONTO...!!! I say this to spare any such latter spending her precious time ploughing any further through my profile. In short the woman with whom I am most likely to connect emphatically does not use the space between her ears for keeping goldfish and is likely to take a pragmatic rather than an overly romanticised view of life. One who may be described in the eighteenth century [now deemed sexist ] parlence of Brinsley Sheridan's Squire Sir Anthony Absolute as..:
' ...a dash devilsh lively filly!, B' dammie, Sirrah! Frollicks fit to tempt the wrath of God and kicks like a Coach horse..!! And duce'd handsome too, Sir. B' Gad...! But ain't she handsome...! Devilish handsome! I shall have her broken in my stables, and ride her bareback to Framlingham Fair, Sirrah! See to it if I do not!'..... [ The Rivals ]. And, to please The Sisters amongst you, he also gave all males the world over sound advice when he declared ' A man, Sir, takes a wife for property and procreation. For his pleasure, Sir,....... he takes a comely Mistress '....Ahhhhh! The good old days. When men were men. And women were glad of it!
Any who feel they fall into this category, do please get in touch. You will not be disappointed. As for those who don't, may I suggest your time may be better spent on others less adventurous; or a year's subscription to ' The Mills and Boon Magazine '. Also, if you don't mind, I can get on without humourless, po faced, proscriptive, seventeenth century Millenarian, evangelical, Fifth Monarchy, fundamentalist, vegetarian, save the whale tree huggers, eco SS storm troopers and divers other manifestations of modern day Puritan zealots, lecturing and hectoring me. Still less do I want to hear from any paid up, card carrying member of The Sisters. And lastly pleeeeeeeeeease, NO approaches from women who appear pictured pawing and slobbering all over their pugs ? pooches? mutts or moggies. I am looking to date a woman not towser or tiddles.
Finally [ honest ] if you do feel the need to have some boz head scrawl graffiti on your body, ie tattoos , please have them where few may ever see them and pleaeeeeeese something at least half original and not the usual comic book character cliche, Gothic zombie alien invaders from Zog..
Oh yes. I forgot to add. I'm not very PC. So, pleeeeeese, please, please don't automatically class me as a ' Player '!! That truly dreadful, hackneyed, worn out and insulting feminist Politically Correct mantra chant some women and all The Sisters have for any male who does not conform to how they think men should behave and particularly if they don't fit neatly with preconceptions, prejudices and pompous prognostications.
Lastly, as I notice a good few women that populate this site are animal lovers, the positive news is that I am also a keen, devoted animal lover. Particularly, I am particularly keen and devoted to cooking and eating them. Sadly, despite being brought up on a farm, I am of the opinion that animals are a legitimate element in the food chain - as are we if we are stupid or unlucky enough to get too close to certain of them - and belong and are happiest in the wild. Not in my living room. Or worse, in a woman's shoulder bag. I belong to the RSPB. Birds are good guys. They stay up in the sky and don't go shitting, shagging, stinking, snoring and shedding their hair all over the house and shredding the furniture.
There now. How did I do? Whatever else you think of my Profile, it IS an honest and accurate portrayal of how I see myself.
I have written a book, ' The Quartermaster's Boy '. about my father, ' Th' Da ' who was a respectable Galway farmer by day. And, by night, acted as Quartermaster to the local cadre of the South Galway Brigade of the B'Hoys; the ' Mehan Collineach ' in Galway Gaelic. Murderous Bandits. [ Local speak for the IRA. That's Irish Republican Army, by the way...You know... Nationalists... Criminals... Killers...Public Assassins... But big, lovable, cuddly pussycats when you get to know them...And, also the ' Officials ' as opposed to the ' Provisionals '. There is a big, BIG difference. If you don't know you could get yourself into serious, mortal, life terminating trouble ]. Its with an Agent who has got me a publisher. A black comedy. And I mean Black. BLACK..?? And Comedy?.....You could not invent it! YOU COULD NOT INVENT IT!!!! There were more guns stacked in our top barn than at Fort Apache! Meanwhile she has also got me a commission to write the Libretto for a Rock Opera, ' Viva! Viva! Rock an' Roll! ' based on an incident in the early career of Chuck Berry when he was arrested and imprisoned in Fort Levenworth Penitentiary and Kentucky State Reformatory Hospital for violation of the Mann Act Code - kidnapping and rape of a white minor by a black man across the State Line- and given halucinatory drugs to cure him of being Black... and a Rocker. So I suppose I can call myself a writer. Well , that's all I have time for at present. That do?
Supporting Manchester United.
Worshipping Manchester United.
Adoring Manchester United. Frankly I am not A Manchester United supporter. I am THE Manchester United supporter.With supporters like me they don't need others.
I'm very good at that.
Also I have a Certificate as ' A Licensed Ladies' Lingere Remover ' gained from The Worshipful Company of Female Asset Strippers. I worked hard for that. Served a long Apprenticeship. If any woman wishes to be parted from her undergarments , she should ALWAYS have the job done by a professional tradesman. Don't accept any imitation, Girls. You know it makes sense.
At risk of sounding obfuscating, I have little time to read books as I am too busy writing one. But quintessentially, Austen, Mary Anne Evans, Trollope and Dickens - so astute an observer of a sub society so many knew nothing of - ; Frank Fitzgerald, a poet in prose : .... ' The Great Gatsby ' ... ' Tender is the Night ' ... Both stunning products, masterpieces of a tortured, flawed, humanity...; Steinbeck; Anthony Burgess, God Rest His Sou......l [ Er ... I feel, that's unlikely given his relationship with his Creator ] whom again I actually knew so, so long ago in Manchester, as Jack Wilson..His real name.....Poetry? Geoffrey Chaucer ; John Donne! Always John Donne, the immortal John Donne. And Andrew Marvell, the Cavalier, Master of the erotic..
And also .......Carew...;Herbert?...; Southey; Burns..; Hopkins.. ; Yeats [ urgh! In small doses ]. Heeney....; Dylan Thomas.....; John Cooper Clarke.....that deranged, gobby old Salford reprobate..
Food? Anything that was running [ or swimming ] around recently. Being at Cambridge, naturally I have tried Swan, which is not unlike rotting linoleum. Which goes to show the filthy, foul tempered, bone idle featherbags that clog up the river Cam really are worse than useless. You can't even eat them! Mind, I understand in Ancient China , swan beaks were found to form the perfect shape to provide ' stimulation ' for the Court Concubines awaiting the attention of the Emperor?!.... Honest.
I regard anything green as an attempt to poison me. Apart from spinach and broccoli. I like wine. And as we all know, because Oberon Waugh has told us : ' Wine is red. It comes from France. And its popular name is Claret '.
Would love to watch films etc, and I really did enjoy ' Once Upon a Time in America......' Sergio Leon.... ' Ma fave film ', as Vicky Pollard might say. But again, no. That is reserved for ' From Here to Eternity '. Fred Zimmerman's breathtaking portrayal of American life on the eve of Pearl Harbour, about to go into a tailspin. Based on the James Jones novel... Montgomery Clift; Ernest Borgnine; Burt Lancaster; Deborah Kerr; and Frank Sinatra. Utterly without equal, emotionally; politically; socially. I still watch it and stare at the blank silent screen when it has finished ]. New York! New York! ... Its a wondeful town....Th' Bronx is up.... But the Batteries Down.....; OK Movies. I just don't have the time. Do watch TV films out of professional interest and I would list Mad Men; The Sopranos; The Wire; and the second series of Broadwalk Empire as masterpieces of superb scriptwriting..Ohooo super scripting really does hit the G Spot for me!...
My free Dining rights in College
My [ Ex ] Wife... .Er,..... no. No. No. No. Cancel that! Definitely! By God's Bowels!!!! Cancel that.. Instead insert, Hope of some future, consummate, divine and satisfying female companionship!
Six? That's the one after five but before you get to seven? Right? Just in case I have got this wrong - I was never fashioned by God to exploit the Mathematical Sciences - I would add:
And Travel. In truth I absolutely love to travel. Notably to and from Old Trafford; and to all Away Games. Its fantastic. You get to see so many new, wonderful and captivating places, Grimsby; Liverpool; Southend....And meet such intelligent and kind new friends. [ Except in Liverpool ].. Actually I would make an offer here and now to promise any woman our first date will be to travel to exotic destinations like Barnsley and you can spend a super romantic floodlit night on the terraces in the freezing cold, in the pouring rain with a grizzly, soggy pork pie and plastic cup of oxo, howling sexist, homophobic and racist abuse at the opposition. I just know you are going to be queuing up, Girls!
Also WHY!? is it I appear to score much, much more highly on the OK Cupid comparison, or Match scale when put alongside American women? Is it something to do with my high regard for Mae West......?........ ' Listen,Buster. You wanna Woman? Feast yer eyes on these, [ Indicates ample bazookas ]. I'm all woman....' [ Diamond Lil ]. You could make a good case for asserting that West and Zsa Zsa Gabor did more for women's equality than all The Sisters laid end to end the world around.
That wailing, pseudo poet, world class misery and pretentious gobshyte, Leonard Cohen, makes me boke up all over my boots.I have to admit I was saving up to put out a contract on him when the turkey trumped me and died.
Also, at Cambridge, I was member of the Jacobite Club. [ A Dinning Club. Much more powerful and influential at Oxford ]. Those committed to the restoration of ' The Pretender and the Old Religion '. On the anniversary of his birthday we met for a scrumptious dinner in the Regency splendour of the top room of the Old Eagle, one of Cambridge's ancient, and most fabled soi disant ' taverns ' , close by King's and we lifted our glasses and cried in unison ....' Judicat Deus.. Fiat! Mea Causa justitia est, ....!....Hussar!!!! [ Trans: Let God be my judge for My Cause is Just!! ] The Jacobite Toast..... Then again another......' Regardez! Non Changez! Hussar!!! [ Trans. Seek no change! God Save King James! ].Then we sat down to eat to the sounds of a piper playing ' Blow Away the Morning Dew '. The Jacobite anthem.
I still have my hand made Jacobite Toasting Glass with a mole wound round the stem and a picture on my study room wall of James, the Old Pretender.....On the birthday of The Pretender, I still get it out [ the glass that is ] and raise a toast,' FIAT!' , with my sumptuous home cooked meal of pork steaks [ his favourite dish ] by the light of a blaze of candles and extol : ' The Pretender and the old religion...' ......all alone,......How sad is that!!? Mind, I also have a wrought iron statue of Oliver Cromwell in my front garden. Paid for it myself and erected it in the face of near violent opposition from certain neighbours.. Notably Geoffrey Archer.Tory bastard !
Actually, I think that's actually more than one thing? Go for the Jacobite Club. Sex is understandable and I'm so proud of being a loyal United supporter. By the way do you know the most famous or, infamous, current United supporter?... Abu Qatada!!! Seriously. He claims Islamic fundementalism isn't the only fanaticism he espouses since his time as a boy in Jordan when he so loved football.
Do you think I've said enough? I think so. Bit too much? I'm a writer, for God's sake. What do you expect?
Bye. [ Slante ]
PS. Must add. I tend to get replies from women who are seemingly quintessentialy and qualitatively different from the vast majority of those using this site. Odd that. Anybody work out why? And, oh yes. I couldn't give a tinker's cuss if you are solvent/insolvent; bankrupt; on benefits; etc. This is supposed to be a Dating Website not a Financial Services Introduction Device.