40Portland, United States
Join today
Find great matches with our advanced matching system!
Join today
Find great matches with our advanced matching system!
My self-summary
I know a little bit about a lot of different things, and I'm prone to babble or ranting. I plunge headlong into deep conversations about anything no matter how insane, inane or mundane.

I'm a huge fan of foreign cultures, flirting whilst driving, ranting, dogs, ellipses and other over/under/misused punctuation. I also love fun words like visceral, quintessential and schveinhunt; or phrases like "messianic tendencies" or "cellar door." Y'know what? Words in general just make my boat float to a certain extent. Oh, and about my name: It's a reference to one of the "Dune" novels and also... Well, everyone has questions like "what would you do if you were president?" or "What would you do if you won a million dollars?" Neither a million nor the Constitution carries the same value as it used to, so I prefer the question "What would you do if you were spontaneous granted nigh-omnipotence without that tedious burden of nigh omniscience i.e. becoming the physical manifestation of a semi-supreme being?"

I am wash, rinse, and nuclear annihilation
What I’m doing with my life
Stumbling and mumbling... Working with the reanimated corpse of Andre the Giant who is directing "Schindler's List on Ice" at the Met. Trying to move rocks and lightsabers with my mind. While I once trained wee beasties how to pass for human in this increasingly unobservant world of ours, now I am unemployed whilst writing the great American novel. That's right ladies... I'm that guy. I'd love to say that I'm kidding, but I'm not. I failed horribly, and now I'm trying to make up for it. Lemmie see, what else? Ripping apart tractor trailers with my eyebrows. Perfecting my teriyaki pterodactyl recipe. Dealphabetizing.
I’m really good at
Filling jars. tattooing subway maps onto sleeping children. Writing the letter "G".

Ummm... Seriously? Cooking, more specifically: Jello shots Clean-out-the-fridge leftover surprise, ribs (beef and pork), sauces of all calibers, omelets, wings, sandwiches, and meat loaf.

I'm good at seeing the big picture. I listen to someone's problem and see if they have a problem behind that one that they might not know about or want to know about.

What I'm best at, however, is taking a joke too far. No one can do that like me.
The first things people usually notice about me
The fact that I'm finally wearing some goddamn pants (green ones!). The horns holding up my halo. The infinite abysses that are my pupils. My dogeared copy of the Necronomicon (sharper literary types might observe that most of the pages are stuck together.) My solid-manganese belt buckle. My rampant corporate whoredom.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
a. This space is now used for what book(s) I am currently reading: The Red House Mystery by A.A. Milne

b. Tha OG Star Warz, especially ESB. The new ones are Taun Taun droppings. Waking Life, Dr. Strangelove, Kill Bill(z), Snatch (& LS&2SB), Animatrix, Monty Python, Zombie Flix, "MindFuck" films, Weirdo foriegn cinema. And even though it isn't a movie... adult swim needs to have a general shout out here as well. I guess I should also list my webcomics, though even writing that phrase fills me with some sort of weird emotion that makes me feel scared and itchy. XKCD for the geek. Scenes from a Multiverse for the lawls, Pictures for Sad Children for the melancholy, Questionable Content for the drama, Gunshow Comics for the WTF?

c. Cake, They Might Be Giants, Techno stuff, Indie Hipster pop (Modest Mouse, Architecture in Helsinki, I still don't know who Arcade Fire is, though), 80's Punk (especially Dead Kennedies), The Beatles, Primus, Richard Cheese, Danny Elfman scores, The Presidents of the United States of America, Beastie Boys, Flogging Molly, BareNaked Ladies, Beck, Green Day, Jonathon Coulton, Gogol Bordello, random remixes, mashups, angry nerd rock, stuff I hear on late night NPR.

d. Spicy ethnic anything; like the movies, the weirder and more foreign, the better. I'm also a big fan of meat, in general. I offer my sincere apologies to the vegans who, in my personal experience, rock about as hardcore as any alienated subculture I've ever had the pleasure to meet. It's just that animals is tasty, and most animals just also happen to agree with me, and I just can't find it in my heart to think that humans are any better than any other species. If I could, I'd eat human too.

Six things I could never do without
1. The doll I made out of Meryl Streep's hair. 2. my heated holy water bidet 3. my pack of pre-1950 Crayola crayons that include not only the coveted "Prussian blue," but also the infamous "Flesh." 4. My llama. His name is Gladys, and one day, the world will be mature and cultured enough to accept our forbidden love. 5. My broken copy of tetris attack. 6. $17.83
I spend a lot of time thinking about

Yes, you

On a typical Friday night I am
Screw this question. I'm a usually mundane person with occasional flashes of freak. If that sounds like your cup of tea for a fun Friday, so be it. Otherwise, I'm going to use this space to list some authors I love. Why the hell don't they have this already? Douglas Adams, Mark Z. Danielewski, Chuck Palahniuk, Terry Pratchet, Neil Stephenson, Shel Siverstein, Neil Gaiman, Hunter S. Thompson, Steve Martin, George Orwell, Shakespear; a lot of those other authors we had to read for high school english lit, and various sci-fi/childrens book authors. I also dig whoever does Strongbad somewhat hardcore.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
Deep within the abyss of my corpus, my black heart beats not blood, but a thick, viscous liquid that is prized by painters (for it's unique neon glow) and bartenders (who mix it with raw unfiltered pruno to make a delicious, nutritious concoction.)
You should message me if
You are interested. Amazed, bedazzled, captivated, dumbfounded, electrified, flabbergasted, gripped, hooked, intrigued, just jerking-with-sheer-anticipation, knocked over, liberally licentious, muted with wonder, non-nonplussed, obviously awed, palpably palpitating, queer (and look ladies, I mean queer in the 1872 version of queer. I mean, it's fine if you're a lesbian like me, but I don't want any more bicurious (or "try-sexual") chickadees blaming me for turning them over to the sapphic side of life. It's not my fault! It's a series of innate biochemical reactions (which have been predetermined by a specific genetic code) intereacting with life experiences, each of which leaves it's mark in a barely (if that) determinable way. And if you think this minirant is pointless... what would YOU have used for "Q?" "Questionably quixotic?" "Queenly.... Quotient?" I dunno. The whole thing has put me off my game. Let's finish this quickly, shall we?) ravishinglyraptsweetlyspeechlesslystunnedtransfixedunzippedveryverynot- vacuousXactlywhatI'mlookingfororYou'relookingformeandifyouareI'll"Z"youlater. Would be preferable... but I'll stick with "interested"
The two of us