You know those guys that go to the gym and insist on dropping their dumbbells on the floor after every exercise as though they (the guys, not the dumbbells) were members of Satan's infernal menagerie and the dumbbells' handles were meticulously crafted from the bones of dead Popes and slathered in Mother Teresa's saliva? I am the diametrical opposite of those dudes; their dudely ways are anathema to me.
I've been known to climb a rock or two in my day. I was once a sprightly young lad with the strength of, uh, one man; in the twilight of my wasted youth I rattle bony fists at the heavens, seeking REDRESS for the grave injustices of age, all the while beating on, a boat against the current, borne back ceaselessly blah blah blah.
(Actually, I'm still a solid boulderer. Ha ha, jokes!)
(ACTUALLY actually, I'm kind of out of shape right now.)
My voice is acrobatic -- I have some serious range. If I could sing worth a damn, maybe that would come in handy. I can make some deliciously odd sounds, though, so I'll take solace in the knowledge that I'll probably make an especially spooky ghost (Can ghosts haunt other ghosts? This is a burning question. It burns with something that burns really bright. And hot).
My religion is pizza. It is the one true god. I started a food blog (a "flog"). Read it here: Derek Eats Food
This is my favorite joke:
"A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre. The bartender gives it to her."
I like people who are strong but kind, who have a bit of an edge but aren't so caustic as to melt the flesh from a man's bones. More lemon juice, less battery acid. If you enjoy physical activity, that's a mark in your favor.
And now, a list of true facts:
-- I'm a sucker for redemption narratives.
-- I'm an autodidact.
-- Quiet at first, talkative later.
-- I enjoy absurd humor.
-- I like kids, but I don't want any of my own.
-- Late Spring and early Fall make me happy.
-- I'd rather be hot than cold.
-- Showers are amazing. Baths are amazing. I do fancy my ablutions.
-- I learned to read when I was 2. I might have peaked early.
-- I hate escalators with every fiber of my being. I do not fear them, I hate them. There is a difference.
Otherwise, I don't know. And that's thrilling in some ways, because I want to do so many things that it's hard for me to decide. I want to write dystopian science-fiction novels and essays on music. I want to code beautiful websites. I want to draw silly animated pictures. I want to build a tiny house and tow it across the country. I want to quit my job and start a band. Sometimes I just wanna lay around.
What I am doing with my life is trying feverishly to hold onto those dreams while managing my responsibilities. I'm an adult. Wheeeeeeeeee!
So, yeah, um. I don't know what I'm doing with my life.
Coming up with vocal harmonies for songs with only one vocalist.
I can also do a mean one-handed cartwheel.
The Phantom Tollbooth
Basically anything by P.G. Wodehouse.
Too many to list here.
The Princess Bride
Indiana Jones movies
(I don't watch a lot of movies. I should probably change that.)
Let's talk about this. No one needs to read a big ol' list of names.
Some recent favorites though:
-- Electric Wizard
-- Tony Molina
-- Run The Jewels
-- Elite Gymnastics
Bizarre Love Triangle is one of my favorite songs of all time.
I'm not picky in the slightest. I love finding new foodstuffs with which to stuff my face. Take me to your favorite eatery?
Cereal atop ice cream is practically the most glorious combination of comestibles imaginable. If you've never tried it, get on that immediately. I suggest pairing Golden Grahams with Fudge Ripple. A delectable masterwork.
Apples. I will not turn down the chance to try a type of apple I've never tried before.
Also, I like food with plenty of spice and heat.
1. Black coffee
2. The internet
3. An electric guitar and amp
4. Books of all genres
5. Exercise (I get cranky in the absence of regular exercise)
6. A bit of time alone now and again
Why American culture has such a narrow definition of masculinity.
Finally recording my genre-bending album of tiny songs.
Whether I should get a cat.
. . . Not really.
. . . you like being silly and you aren't deadly serious about everything all the time.
. . . you have a Scottish accent and you want to read to me. Is that weird? It's probably weird. And I don't care.
. . . you want a Rocket League partner.
. . . you want an actual relationship AND you actually have time for one. I would like to find someone who is capable of both a physical *and* an emotional connection. Honest affection is kind of my jam. I mean, I love sex -- the dirtier the better -- but I need more than that.
. . . you understand that the entity writing this profile is a person and not a disposable *thing* you can discard at your convenience (or when something "better" comes along). If you don't get that (and it seems a lot of you don't!), fuck off. 'Bout to give up on this as it is.
But you should certainly message me if you're intrigued by anything you've read here. In fact, you're probably gonna have to message me if you want to get in touch, because I'm not really gonna be on this thing very often anymore!
A caveat. Please do not message me if:
. . . you're religious and/or conservative (*especially* socially conservative); it's not gonna work out.