45 Garland, United States
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My self-summary
You can learn about me by watching this national television story done about me on the Fox News Channel.

If you'd be interested in hearing a sample of my radio show, click on this. It will give you a reasonable idea about how my mind works.

I do a lot of sideways thinking which is why my profile is the way it is. Here's what I ponder.

1-Do you think that King Kong's hairdresser is Vidal Baboon?

2-Do you think that Alexander Graham Bell Polanski was our first telephone pole?

3-Is your favorite seafood dish Salmon Rushte?

4-Is your favorite seafood dish piano tuna?

5-Have you ever crossed 50 female pigs with 50 male deer and gotten 100 sows and bucks?

6-Are you so ecology minded that you only use low lead pencils?
(What did one pencil say to the other pencil? Right on)

7-Have you ever thought that if there was a strike at the Caterpillar factory, there would be a shortage of butterflies next summer?

8-Do you think that Rosanne Barr should be declared our 51st state?

9-When someone asks your birth sign, do you say "railroad crossing"?

10-Have you ever dated a guy from Montana who was a real Butte?

11-Do you think that eskimos get polaroids?

12-Are your favorite foreign languages, French, Russian, Italian and oil and vinegar?

13-Have you ever thought that if Cher performed with her twin sister, the act would have to be called Cher and Cher alike?

14-Have you ever thought that the reason that John Lennon and Yoko Ono got married was so they could have Japanese Beatles?

15-If you were a cartoonist and jealous of Charles Schultz's work, would it be known as Peanuts envy?

16-Have you ever thought that if you were feeling Goofy, you should leave Disneyworld immediately?

17-Have you ever thought that if the Clampett's dog on the Beverly Hillbillies was run over by a truck and served at a fast food restaurant, it would be known as Patty Duke?

18-Have you ever thought that if the Bee Gees are from Wales, why don't they have a blow hole?

19-Have you ever wondered why Oral Roberts couldn't teach his dog to heal?

20-Did you think that Mr. Ed and Wilbur had a stable relationship?

21-Have you ever thought that if Ronnie Howard made a movie about the Dutch, it would be known as Mr. Opie's Holland?

22-Have you ever said to Siamese ornathologists, I really like your cockatoo?

23-If you threw a pre wedding party for your girl friend and everybody at the party smoked dope, would they all be known as shower heads?

24-Have you ever thought that if you read "On Golden Pond", you would Thoreau up?

25-Have you ever thought that if Bullwinkle had an African American girl friend, she might be a chocolate mousse?

26-Have you ever thought that your typewriter was pregnant because it skipped a period?

27-Have you ever thought that the head of the California Lettuce Grower's Association was Romaine Polanski?

28-Have you ever thought that the Wright brothers couldn't have oriental parents because two Wongs don't make a Wright?

29-Do you think that Don Ho was the name of a prostitude in the movie the Godfather?

30-When you wash your hair, do you use shampoo or real poo?

31-Have you ever thought that a cross eyed school teacher would have trouble keeping her pupils straight?

32-Have you ever thought that Tarzan could be an addict because he always had a monkey on his back?

33-Have you ever tried to write a drinking song but, couldn't get past the first two bars?

34-Have you ever thought that if a cowboy's horse stopped, he might be having injun trouble?

35-Have you ever thought that you should take a job in a bakery because you kneaded the dough?

36-Have you ever thought that a cannibal who consumed his mother's sister would be an aunt eater?

37-Have you ever thought that Tarzan should never play cards with his monkey because his monkey may be a cheetah?

38-If a camel can go for ten days without drinking water, how long would he go if he drank some?

39-If you made a breakfast cereal out of chopped parakeets, would it be called "Shredded Tweet"?

40-Why do interior decorators walk like that?

41-Is it my imagination or does George W. Bush's mother look like George Washington?

42-Among all athletes, do basketball players make the worst lovers because they dribble before they shoot?

43-If you crossed a parrot and Vincent Van Gogh, would you get a bird that would talk your ear off?

44-If Fedex and UPS merged, would the new company be called Fedup?

45-If Harriet Beecher Stowe married Napoleon Bonaparte, would her name be Harriet Beecher Bonaparte?

46-If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, would her name be Ella Vader?

47-If you had venereal disease of the nose, would you have a case of snifilous?

48-What would happen if Tiger Woods putter malfunctioned?

49-If one rodent saved another rodent from drowning, would the one rodent give the other rodent mouse to mouse resuscitation?

50-If McDonalds had a hamburger called the Hearstburger, would nobody buy it if the patty was missing? (dated material)
What I’m doing with my life
51-If you pay through the nose, might you be blowing your money?

52-Have you ever thought that if you were dating a contortionist, at some point you might have to break it off?

53-Have you ever thought that if Xerox and Hammond merged, would they make reproductive organs?

54-Have you ever thought that if you were eating dinner in a Chinese restaurant in Germany, in two hours you would be hungry for power?

55-Have you ever thought that if you went to a nudist colony, the first three days would be the hardest?

56-Have you ever thought that if you got an apartment over a bank, that now your assets over ten million dollars?

57-Have you ever thought that if a crazy railroad engineer shot a passenger, he would have to have a locomotive?

58-When doing carpentry, do you bite your nails?

59-Would you not date a prehistoric man if he had dinosaurs?

60-Is Julia Childs your roll model?

61-Have you ever said, "I'd like sushi better if it was cooked a little longer"?

62-Do you think that opera singers should have aria codes?

63-Do you think that depressed plumbers ever think about sewercide?

64-If a manic depressive was also a nudist, would he be a bipolar bare?

65-If Jim Morrison was a homosexual and nobody knew, would he be a closet door?

66-If a male smoked an excessive amount of marijuana and developed fully developed female breasts, would it give a whole new meaning to the term "drug bust"?

67-Have you ever thought that a school for belly dancers would be called the naval academy?

68-Did you ever think that if you wrote a book about insects that you shouldn't release it until you got all of the bugs out?

69-Have you ever thought that if you swallowed a roll of film that something serious might develop?

70-Have you ever thought that you could communicate with a fish by dropping him a line?

71-Have you ever thought that you'd have trouble being a candle maker if you could only work on wick ends?

72-Have you ever thought that if you were a guy who was dating a female midget, that you'd be nuts over her?

73-Have you ever thought that if your left side was paralyzed,
you'd be alright now?

74-Have you ever thought that if 250 native American maidens had mastectomies, they'd be the Indianippleless 500?

75-Have you ever met someone who was so stupid that they smoked the crack in the liberty bell?

76-Have you ever thought that if you were a gay weaver, you'd be a fruit of the loom?

77-Did you ever think that a restaurant on the moon would have no atmosphere?

78-Have you ever thought that if a doberman took Viagra, he'd become a pointer?

79-Have you ever thought that if a guy took Viagra and it stuck in his throat, he'd have a stiff neck?

80-Did you ever think that marriages were like fat people because they should work out?

81-Have you ever thought that Justin Bieber was the daughter that Cher wished she had?

82-If Viagra loses market share to Cialis, would it be because of stiff competition?

83-Have you ever thought that at a sperm bank that there'd be substantial penalty for early withdrawal?

84-Have you ever thought that a masturbating steer could be called beef strokin' off?

85-Have you ever thought that the Silicon Valley was a great place to get breast enlargement?

86-Have you ever thought that if you were sexually harassed at the company that makes Doritos, that you might be getting a Frito Lay?

87-Have you ever thought that a Hispanic woman with no legs would be called Cunts Way Low?

88-Have you ever thought that an abortion in Prague would be a canceled Czech?

89-Have you ever thought that the soup du jour might also be the soup of the day?

90-Have you ever thought that a school for belly dancers would be called the navel academy?

91-Has someone ever asked you the meaning of life and you said it was the cereal that Mikey liked?

92-Have you ever thought that it would take a Karen Carpenter to build a Karen?

93-Have you ever thought that if a male astronomer said to a girl, "I want to explore Uranus", that she should worry?

94-Have you ever thought that a Dairy Queen was a gay milkman?

95-Did you ever think that the ultimate magic trick would be if you were walking down the street and you saw a guy turn into a restaurant?

96-Have you ever thought that the number one gay male pickup is, "Let's get something straight between us".

97-Have you ever thought that a Klondike Bar was a place where Alaskan lesbians went to drink?

98-Have you ever sworn to God that you were an atheist?

99-Have you ever thought that the main difference between a porcupine and a BMW is that with a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside?

100-Have you ever gone to a Chinese restaurant and gotten a fortune cookie that said, "Help, I'm being held prisoner in a Chinese fortune cookie factory"?
I’m really good at
101-Have you ever thought in a gay pool hall that they wouldn't give a breaker an even suck?

102-Have you ever thought that if your poured beer on Kelloggs Rice Krispies that they would go snap, crackle and burp?

103-Have you ever thought that if you fall off of a dock that it might be because of pier pressure?

104-Have you ever thought that the best thing about dating an Australian woman is that you can touch her down under?

105-Have you ever thought that asphalt could be rectum trouble?

106-Have you ever thought that if a classical musician wasn't very good, that he might go Baroque?

107-Have you ever thought that if you were stoned in school, you could be a dilated pupil?

108-Have you ever thought that a sexual climax in Sweden would be a smorgasm?

109-Have you ever thought that an inkling was a baby pen?

110-Have you ever thought that Amtrak worries about berth control?

111-Have you ever thought that if you played a musical instrument by ear that you might need surgery?

112-Have you ever thought that in the Cuban version of Wheel Of Fortune that the host would be Havana White?

113-Have you ever thought that the last thing that went through Dennis Wilson's mind was a minnow?

114-Have you ever thought that if there was a Karen Carpenter special at Kentucky Fried Chicken that all you'd get would be skin and bones?

115-Have you ever thought the reason that humming birds hum is because they forgot the lyrics?
I spend a lot of time thinking about
whether I should answer this question
On a typical Friday night I am
trying to figure out the meaning of Life and other breakfast cereals
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I'm still under warranty.
You should message me if
you are motivated enough to do it.