"The Devil made me do it the first time. The second time I did it on my own"
ME Me me:
I photographed fighter jets over the pyramids, raced mountain bikes in Oregon and was a bowling prodigy by age 10. Dogs like me / I like dogs. Laundry is my kryptonite and 1950's vintage decor is my canned spinach. The trash man comes too early and Seattle summer comes too late. I tend to overpack and love lima beans (until I found out I am allergic to them...aargh!). I want an al paca farm and a Victorian house with a secret poker/cigar room behind a bookcase smack dab in the middle of Seattle. I can hit a curve ball, dressed up as Dracula for Halloween 3 years in a row and I paint...poorly. I prefer lists in bullet form and I'm inked.
My enemies would describe me as a useless waste of human flesh that feeds on the weak and torments the old. Foes are systematically eliminated.
Friends would describe me as a prick who never answers his phone. But, I love them and they love me.
An overly spray tanned, makeup plastered, mammoplasty popping, short dress/high heel stumbling, collagen lip sporting woman. She has a keen attraction to shiny objects, blinged iPhone attached to right earlobe, and gravitates towards colorful alcohol. Complete sentences are deemed optional, consider Kardashians goddesses and acknowledging public servants disgusts them.
For scientific purposes, if spotted, please photograph, note location, time, date and send to me. I am tracking the migration patterns of these unusual new species. [From an Anthropological perspective I am fascinated with this class of woman. Though I would never ever seriously date this breed, I would most definitely enjoy a date like I would enjoy a date with Rush Limbaugh's twin sister.]
Creative answers to unique problems...hmmm, I like that line, my new mantra.
I was not-so-recently laid off from a company that rhymes with fuckyousoft and made the decision to stay away from the big biz world (despite the healthy pay.)
People notice I'm the village idiot.
The Moth, Stuff You Should Know, Adam Carolla, WTF, Freakonomics, Stuff you missed in History class, TED Talks, Risk!, Science Fridays, Star Talk with Neil DeGrasse Tyson, BBC World Service, Hollywood Babble On, Stuff Mom Never Told You, Radio Lab
Ray Charles is the master and Jack White rocks the rock. I get funked up on Parliament and old Stevie Wonder, then chill to Marley and local country/folk. When feeling destructive, I listen to Rage Against the Machine, Korn or Milli Vanilli. Eddie Vedder-my homey. The Black Keys, Ting Tings, Die Antwoord, Beastie Boys (RIP MCA) and Patrick Sweaney can be followed by a dose of Dave Brubeck and NWA. Waylon Jennings, Loretta Lynn and the White Buffalo begin my morning hoedowns.
Comcast has been avoided by streaming Netflix documentaries, indie flicks and foreign films to my big ass flat screen TV. I rock!
I'm an omnivore
Recently saw the musical play "Avenue Q" and loved it. My all time favorite play is Phantom of the Opera. Sometimes I need to simply blast this F'n song while I sit still, close my eyes and think in the dark.
Louis C K
Matt Stone & Trey Parker
So many more. I have left a ton off, but have tried to keep the list to the most influential at the many ages of my life. I feel bad that Carol Burnett was left off. Shit...even Dice Clay had a huge impact and how do I not mention Tina Fey and Amy Poehler? What about Adam Carolla and George Carlin? Fuck
I have those little glitter squares embedded into the popcorn ceiling, oh, and asbestos.
Answer Five questions in a message to me? (10 points each)
1. What is in MY freezer (meaning me, the place you do not live, MY ice cube oven)?
2. Scientology is?
3. If you could have one super power it would be?
4. Humor is muy importante. Please name your top three all-time sitcoms?
5. Your favorite body of water is?
6. This profile is?
a. The Best Ever!
b. Ridiculously Hilarious!
c. I'm in LOVE!
d. Majestic and God Like!
e. Idiotic Babble
Why not just place the underutilized "x" at the end of the noun or verb? I would then be colorx, fixx, groommx, sippx, completx, jumpx, laughx and wonderx on a Friday night. How much more do those words kick ass? But no, we Americans decided to change words like colour to color, humour to humor, realise to realize and favour to favor. WE ARE 'MERICA!
I shat myself. I’m not proud and quite frankly, am quite embarrassed, so why share with the women I am trying to court you ask? No clue, but if you can get by this…we may be compatible.
[Brief Background] I have two young daughters who have continually asked for a hamster, but I was always able to deflect the request because of our two cats. But, after my divorce, new house, and lack of feline hunters, my kids (wisely) reminded me that I had no reason to deprive them of their childhood pet rearing rights. Out of divorce guilt, I succumbed and bought a teddy bear hamster, killer hamster maze, more extravagant than my own living accommodations.
Flash forward 6 months, Sunday morning, hung over and feeling a little guilty for neglecting the rodent by keeping it holed up in the kids room for weeks, I place Stripey into the clear ball and set her on her roaming way while I lay on the couch and watch football. Stripey gets caught up here and there, and I helpfully kick the plastic ball to a more rolling friendly avenue every time I stagger to the fridge for another beer.
In my defense, I was recently divorced and Saturday nights without kids was a completely new phenomenon and I had lived this new freedom to the fullest by staying out late and slowly recover interruption free on Sunday mornings. So, while lying on the couch watching/listening to America’s favorite tough-guy sport and wishing the hang over fairy would come over and make me a greasy breakfast, I launched a few harmless toots toward the back of my couch. The previous night’s cocktails, sliders and Cuban food began to kick in and I felt rumblings every 15 minutes or so.
Not thinking too much about this relieving bodily function as my head pounded with dehydration, I let another release go thinking it would be much similar to the previous dozen. Oh, what a shock I received when more than sweet roses escaped my buttocks. I instantly froze for a few seconds and tried to understand what I had just done…”Nooooo, did I…wait, no….Im F’n 40! Maybe it just sounded odd, oh god!”
Sunday, rainy winter day in Seattle, cotton PJs…no underwear and I immediately start to rationalize the severity of the situation. I slowly rotate my ass, pointing my bloated belly to the floor ensuring that I don’t “spill” onto the couch. Blaring from the TV are two manly commentators describing the sweaty, bloody, battle that is ongoing between men half my age, and I feel the shame creeping upon me as my ass points to the heavens while I quietly whisper a prayer.
Thoughts around the unfortunate situation turn to action and I’m about to make the long journey to the bathroom, but then before my foot hits the ground, that fuckin’ hamster rolled up right next to me. Even though the little shit had never noticed my existence for two hours (if not 6 months) while roaming around the house, it pauses next to me, stands up in her hazy clear ball, nose twitching, shakes her head with those disapprovingly smug black marble eyes and continues along crashing into everything, yet carries more dignity than I.
There you go, most private moment that nobody knew and now many do. Still want to send me a note???
The little joys of life far outweigh the purchased things in life (unless it is a killer vintage furniture piece, useless mid-century knick knack or cool new toy for my girls/me). Philanthropy is an important and rewarding part of life and I hope you feel the same way. Shoot me note.
Or, you giggled just a little reading the above.