I've had a little bit of a dry spell lately, largely due to my being confined to the house. Don't worry ladies, I'm not a creeper on house arrest or a socially clueless recluse.
Here's my deal: Because I manufacture a ridiculous amount of manly testosterone, I give off a smell similar to a freshly-seared, well-seasoned steak. I'm not ashamed. It's the price I have to pay for having a seductively low voice and a phallus the size of whiffle ball bat.
Anyway, my neighbor has two large wolves. He insists that he's domesticated them, but they seem feral to me! Whenever I leave my house, Apache and Jezabel (that's what he named them) come bursting through my neighbor's shoddily fashioned fence (Bob Vila, this guy is NOT) or straight through his front screen door and try to devour me in all my beefy, savory glory.
Long story short, ladies: Instead of sustaining numerous bite and claw related injuries, I choose to stay in most of the time.
However: for the right woman, I am willing to suffer at the hands -- or paws I guess! -- of Apache and Jezabel. Not even a wolf's bloodlust can stop true love. That's what my grandma always used to say.
I am made to make love, set to sex you wild, and willing to wank
selling homemade toothbrushes and related dental products. That's
right: I am a proud telecommuter and friend of Mother Earth!
Recently I constructed a zip line contraption that runs from my
front porch down to my car. It allows me to reach the door of my
sedan before Apache and Jezabel can catch a whiff of me. Of course,
when I come back home, I have to reset the zip line, which takes
quite a bit of time.
It may not be worth it, actually.
Anyhoo, that should tell you that I'm good building things.
I also made my own refrigerator.
I also make a mean omelette.
So, until I can muster enough confidence to explain what happened to the photography clerk at the local Best Buys, you lovely ladies (and gay dudes, I suppose*) will have to whet your appetite for me with my meager face photo.
(*Note: Gay dudes will not have an opportunity to get with this, but I understand that looking doesn't hurt me. I am straight but not narrow, my homo brothers!)
Movies! Boy do I love flicks! I don't know where to start. There's always the classics: Ben-Hur, Citizen Kane, The Third Man, Vertigo, Cream-Slurping Anal Sluts 3, Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, Bridge Over the River Kwai, Breakfast at Tiffany's -- it's hard to know where to stop!
Music: I like anything with a lot of bass that's good for dancin'! Especially '80's electro and that early '90's Miami-style bass sound. Funky!
Maroon 5 is good too.
Collages made with dry macaroni noodles
Ways to distract Apache and Jezabel
How to become even sexier
The conflict between Israel and Palestine (so sad...)
I still catch hell at family reunions!