I'm looking for a girl who is super mean, you also have to be really clingy and jealous so I can make believe that other women are fighting for a place by my side while walking smugly wherever I go. You must have a Motherly quality to you, not for any kids we might have but for paying attention to all the cool things I want to show you I can do and to comfort me when I hurt myself. Baking me cookies will also earn you much needed points.
Upon meeting, our first date will start off with an excruciatingly intense staring contest until one of us blinks. We will do this for two reasons, 1. So I can delve deep into the very core of your being uncovering the deepest darkest secrets you possess and unveiling your past while simultaneously looking into your future to find the exact moment in time you undoubtedly will betray me so I know when to stock my fridge with 7 pints of Chunky Monkey to consume until I cant feel feelings. 2. I like eyes. After "The Amaze Gaze" as I like to call it, we will go to the nearest Sky Zone Trampoline Park where you will sit on a bench while I show you all the cool flips and spinny jumps and slam dunks I can do. You will earn points based on how amazed you are. If you pass that test we will proceed to trampoline dodgeball on teams against one another. Here you will find out if I like you by how many times I hit you as hard as I can with the dodgeballs, it is the only way I know how to show a woman that I like her because I am shy. If the date goes well, I will stalk you until I find out who some of your friends are. I will choose one and stealthily break into their home at night and stare at them while they sleep until my presence is felt. Then, usually after much calming down, I will give them a note to give to you asking if you would like to go on a second date. You will circle yes, no, or just friends, and we go from there.