29Vancouver, Canada
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My self-summary
(Can someone please just acknowledge that I exist? It's so dehumanising when people view my profile and say nothing, or ignore my messages, like they'll be harmed in some way by just talking to me. I don't have the plague. I'm not contagious. You're not going to become like me by talking to me. Please just treat me like a human being.)

Hello. Please have patience, because this is very difficult for me.

I am a very shy, gentle person, and I do my best to be compassionate and kind to the people around me.

I'm tired of being isolated. It's hard to trust, but I have to try. I'm looking for intelligent people who are accepting of differences and aren't prejudiced. Exceptionally rational and understanding people. Someone who can help me come out of my shell.

I live with severe depression, and an intense fear of other people. I have come on here to try and reach out to someone, in the hope of finding some acceptance. I am not going to identify myself by name on this profile, or show any pictures. The age on my profile is just a quarter century before the day I set up the profile, but it's close enough to my actual age. Some of you may know me already, and never have guessed at what I'm about to describe, and I'd prefer it to stay that way. People don't expect someone like me to be a good person. I will not identify myself to anyone unless I am convinced that they have given me their understanding and acceptance. Let me explain why.

Keep in mind, this is not a joke. This is deadly serious.

When I was 12, and I reached puberty, I immediately found that my sexual attractions towards girls were extremely strong, and not very specific. I was attracted to girls my own age and up, like the other boys. But unlike the other boys, my attractions were also towards girls my own age and down. To this day, I still experience attraction to girls aged anywhere between 3 and 30, and sometimes beyond. This is an involuntary thing, not something I ever chose, and not something I can ever change.

Technically, I am a paedophile. However, what I have learned about other people who are paedophiles, or at least the ones I've talked to, is that most of them seem to have psychological problems that motivate their attractions. Most of them seem to be seeking some quality of their own childhoods they feel they have lost. I do not experience that. Also, most paedophiles feel no attraction to adults and find the idea of a relationship with an adult unfulfilling. Unlike them, I do not experience different feelings towards adults than children. In fact, I seem to experience stronger attraction to adult women than most men do. That's just physical. My sex drive is overwhelming, but I require more. I'm drawn to maturity. But I find myself feeling like it's impossible for me to be with someone who isn't disgusted by me unless I conceal the truth from them. I don't want to do that.

I don't consider it a paraphilia, I consider it the absence of one. The way I describe it is that it's like the difference between finding an Asian woman attractive, and having an Asian girl fetish. The first is just an attraction to someone who happens to belong to a certain group. The second is creepy and dehumanising, and suggests a psychological obsession.

Contrary to popular belief, I never experienced sexual abuse as a child. Most paedophiles can say the same, even the really disturbed ones. Paedophilia is not contagious. In fact, it's not an illness at all.

My attractions seem to be caused by hormones. I don't even like kids most of the time. I don't judge kids any differently from anyone else, and I don't like being around people who are immature, and most kids are very immature. Though, honestly, so are most adults, just not quite so obnoxiously. But since I frequently find female children very beautiful, and society in general sees that as monstrous, I have actually developed very intense paedophobia. Even towards boys, since being falsely accused of being attracted to boys would certainly expose me as attracted to girls. If I were exposed, I would certainly be dead within a year at most.

I really don't like kids. This is basically me:
They make me uncomfortable and I have no idea how to relate with them, and I don't want to learn.

I really feel like I would be quite content if I never saw a child again for the rest of my life.

I am not, nor could I ever be, a child molester, because the idea of doing something sexual to someone against their will is repulsive to me on every level. It is morally repulsive, emotionally repulsive, and yes, even sexually repulsive. The very thought is a barrier to sexual arousal.

But because people assume that merely feeling attraction towards children makes a person likely to sexually assault them, I am forced to live in hiding and in terror. I cannot describe the agony of having to live this way.

I am terrified of having even casual interactions with people, for fear of them finding out what I am. I know that if people found out, I would likely be killed, and certainly made homeless.

I'm trying this site in a desperate attempt to find people who will accept me knowing from the start what I am, while hopefully remaining safely anonymous. There is no overstating the risk I'm taking, but I just can't stand to stay in the closet anymore.

I don't mean to make this such a downer. What I'm describing is a simply physiological impulse, it's not something that defines who I am. I have interests and hobbies and aspirations that are very important to me and have nothing to do with having some taboo sexual feeling that I did not choose. But this small aspect of me, or rather the way other people would react to it, absolutely does define my life. This fear is ever-present, but there is far far more to me as a person. Unfortunately, I just can't really discuss it here.

Keep this in mind. You may know me. You may have spoken to me. You may have seen me. And even if you haven't, you know people who experience the same feeling. They're your friends and your family members. They're 5-20% of the people you know. Think of that before you let your impulse reactions tell you how you should feel.

Here is an article I found on the subject: http://www.cracked.com/article_20981_5-ways-were-making-pedophilia-worse.html

OK, so this profile is pretty depressing, I know. So I'm going to try and do something more light-hearted. Here's how I compare to the stereotypes:

I don't wear aviator glasses.

I don't have a big 80s moustache. Or one of these:


I do have a trenchcoat, but it's actually very stylish.

I don't drive a white van or an ice cream truck.

I'm not a priest. Or a scout leader.

I don't watch "My Little Pony". Yuck.

Or "Toddlers and Tiaras". Double yuck.

I do have a whole freezer full of popsicles, but you can't have any, they're all mine.

Are these jokes in bad taste? Send me a message and let me know.

So to sum up, I am a law abiding paedophile, living in fear for my life, trying to make friends or have some kind of human contact. I feel like it's hopeless. Please prove me wrong.
What I’m doing with my life
Living in hiding and trying not to let hopelessness get the better of me. Occasionally trying to reach out to people anonymously. Being repeatedly devastated by the results.

Just trying to survive.

Talking to medical professionals and trying to get involved in research about people like me. There is very little going on because scientists risk their careers to investigate this subject, and people really don't want to understand it. It's always startling how people in the medical and mental health professions don't see it as a big deal, while average people completely flip out over it.

Trying to find acceptance, friendship, and mental health support, to cope with my loneliness and fear.

I really can't even describe the loneliness I'm living in right now. I want to make friends, have conversations, do fun things, have relationships, and everything, but I feel more and more like that can never happen.

I feel like the time in my life when I should have had experiences, particularly relationships, has passed me by. No, I feel like it was stolen from me.

Working on a story. Please tell me what you think.


Unfortunately you need to have a Deviantart account to read it.

I have also posted it here:




But I just can't seem to find somewhere that will let people read it without getting an account.

I'm trying this site in a desperate attempt to find people who will accept me knowing from the start what I am, while hopefully remaining safely anonymous. There is no overstating the risk I'm taking, but I just can't stand to stay in the closet anymore.

I want to make friends I can be myself with. And while it almost seems like it's too much to expect and it would take a miracle, I would like to have proper relationships with women of legal age.

I want relationships with people I can be truly intimate with. People who accepts me as I am and appreciate me, who I can be myself with and not have to keep things from. I need someone exceptionally intelligent, rational, open-minded, and understanding.

I also have an unbelievably intense sex drive that is pretty much always ready to go. I would like to find someone who also has a high enough drive to keep up. But only in the context of that personal intimacy. I would not be able to feel comfortable with anything casual or impersonal. I don't have any interest in one night stands.

Age doesn't matter as long as you're legal (over 16). I am not opposed to being with an older woman. Bigger women and smaller women and anything in between are all great.
I’m really good at
Keeping my body's intense sexual responses from showing on my face in public, or at least I hope so. Also suppressing my fear in the same way. Tolerating the physical pain that suppression causes me. It's like the pain you feel when you're trying not to cry, but much more intense. Like being strangled. And once again, trying to keep that pain from showing.
The first things people usually notice about me
What I want people to notice about me is that I am a thoughtful and considerate person, and to treat me like a human being instead of letting my sexual orientation be the only thing they care about and judge me by.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
I'd rather not discuss this in detail, because it would make it too easy to identify me. Suffice it to say I am a nerd. Having no social life tends to drive one towards interests and hobbies. I also have an interest in science. I kind of feel like I had no choice in that. If I did not have an understanding of myself that invalidated the stereotypes, I could not continue living.

I've been reading a lot of books related to sexuality and paedophile issues. I've recently checked out "Sex at Dawn", but I've been reading Judith Levine's "Harmful to Minors", and Sarah D Goode's "Understanding and Addressing Sexual Attraction to Children", and I've recently finished "The Trauma Myth" by Susan Clancy. I've thought about writing something myself, but there's no way anyone would publish it. I also read a Japanese series called "Kodomo no Jikan" that I thought would be trashy, but turned out to be surprisingly complex and well-written. Books on these topics are hard to find, so I'd love to get some recommendations from people.

I very strongly relate to the themes in the X-Men franchise.

Also this Twilight Zone episode: http://www.auroravid.to/video/45c72ece2db8c

And these cartoon sketches: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jaUkt59vY1Q


Ask me about my theories about which fictional characters I think are paedophiles (Hint: Captain Picard and Batman are good candidates)
Six things I could never do without
I want to say "Acceptance" and "Friendship", but those are the things that I want to bring into my life.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Things that aren't suicide.

Sorry, I was feeling pretty bad when I wrote that. But I can't think of anything else to say.

I guess I spend a lot of time thinking about persecution. Decades ago, homosexuals were treated as deviants and sickos, and violently persecuted, all on the basis of stupid stereotypes and assumptions. While this still happens today, first world society as a whole has advanced, and most people are shocked and saddened that it was possible for people to hold such deep, visceral hatred on absolutely no basis.

Yet, these same people have the exact same kind of hatred towards paedophiles.

They don't even see the connection. Just like previous generations, they believe their prejudices are justified and necessary, completely unlike all that came before.

But the only difference is that one is currently socially unacceptable, while the other only used to be. But being socially unacceptable, it is an invisible injustice. And just like with homosexuality in previous generations, there is this McCarthian aspect to it in which anyone who speaks out against the persecution, or even fails to display sufficient vitriolic prejudice themselves, automatically become themselves suspect. Lives have been destroyed by false accusations of paedophilia. This has to change. But I am unable to do anything to further that change without risking myself. The most I can do is speak to people anonymously and try to reach them about what I go through every day. I suppose I'm hoping that their eyes will be opened, and they will share the experience and make others aware of what's going on, maybe inspiring some slow change. But I don't feel right asking people to do that, because it can put them at risk too.

I also think a lot about sexuality itself. When people reach puberty at around age 12, they immediately experience sexual attraction to others their own age. But even by age 15 or 16, they would be repulsed by the idea of being attracted to a 12 year old. What has happened in between? The appearance of 12 year olds didn't change. I think the change is psychological; peer pressure causes people to put mental blocks in place so they can't have socially unacceptable feelings.

Not that that explains how I was attracted to girls much younger than that from moment one. Something more complex is going on, and I have no idea what it is, because scientists are not allowed to study this aspect of sexuality.

I think about how crazy it is that there are some people who are only willing to consider me to not be a monster so long as I consider myself to be a monster.

I wonder why people seem to have an existential crisis when they find out that people like me exist. People don't reply to me on here. When I try to meet people on Craigslist, they abruptly stop replying when I explain it. It's very rude. On Omegle, some people have a sort of panic attack, and actually say "I... I can't.... I'm sorry" before disconnecting. And as I said before, this is completely different from how people who work in health, and even law enforcement, have reacted.

Other responses:

"Kill yourself!"

Right back at you.

"You're sick!"

Not according to actual mental health professionals.

"Get help!"

Your attitude is both why people like me need help, and why it's so hard to get.

"Stay away from kids!"

I do. I'm afraid of kids. It's one of the things I need help for.

"How long have you had a preference for children?"

I don't. I'm attracted to them equally as to adults and teens. And only girls.

"How old were you when you were molested?"

I don't know. It hasn't happened yet. I'll let you know.

"Obviously you must have [insert psychobabble experience here] when you were younger."

Great theory, Sigmund, but try again.

"How do you control your urges?"

It is genuinely scary that you see sexual attraction in terms of "urges"

"You just have to change the bad thinking and form new habits."

Great advice, but for a very different problem. This isn't a habit that was formed, because it happened as soon as I had a sexuality, and it has nothing to with thought, because that's not how sexuality works. It's a reflexive stimulus response. It's faster than thought.

"I don't think you should be judged by your thoughts and fantasies."

Thanks, but it's not a thought and it's not a fantasy.

"Why not just not tell anyone? Keep it in your head."

Because I don't want to live a lie, I shouldn't have to live a lie, and ultimately, it is a lie that is impossible to maintain, because as I may have mentioned, it's not IN my head. It's in my VEINS. It's not psychological. It's physiological. It's hormonal. It's adrenal. It's glandular.

"Why not just be with women your own age?"

I would love to! But without having to lie to them! Women will not be with me knowing that I'm a paedophile.

"Why not just do age-play?"

Because women won't be with me because I'm a paedophile. Also, yuck.

"Why not just find a girl your age with small boobs?"

Because women won't be with me because I'm a paedophile. Also, big boobs are just as amazing as small ones, so that's not even an issue.

"How can a little girl be sexy?!"

How can a little girl NOT be sexy? How can a grown man be sexy? Why does anyone find anyone sexy? Since when does any of this require reasons or make any sense?

"Just don't act on it and you'll be fine"

Firstly, I'm judged for my feelings, not my actions. I don't have to actually do anything to be subject to violence. But secondly, what does "act on it" even mean? Abusing a child? I have no desire to abuse anyone. How can I "act on" a feeling I don't have in the first place"?
On a typical Friday night I am
Hiding. Trying to cope with the unbearable loneliness.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
See above.
You should message me if
This section of my profile is going to sound extremely jaded, because I have been at the receiving end of every possible form of rude, dismissive, and dehumanising behaviour possible, and it is starting to cut me deep every time it happens.

You should message me if you believe that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and won't judge me by feelings I never chose to have.

I'm here looking to have friendly interactions with other adults. I'm not here looking for any freaky stuff. I'm not here to try and get with somebody's kids. I'm not here to get with anyone. I just want to talk to people.

You should message me if you wish to understand me, without prejudice. Though, more likely you will message me to tell me I'm evil. Whatever.

You should message me if you wish to understand what paedophiles are actually like. Society teaches a very specific idea of what a paedophile is, and it could not be farther from the mark. If you'd like to look past the stereotypes and find out the reality, I'd very much like to help.

You should message me if you consider yourself open-minded and tolerant, and would like to put that to the ultimate test.

You can also message me if you can think of a way to make my profile less depressing.

You should message me if I message you. If I'm making an effort to start a conversation, and you look at my profile and then just ignore me, that's incredibly rude. I'd rather be attacked than ignored. And don't give me that excuse where you say you need time to think of a response and then just never respond.

One thing though: I don't want to be anyone's fetish. If you have some age-play thing, I want no part in it.

Just because I am intensely lonely does not mean I am looking for pity. If you just want to express sympathy about my situation, but you're still too creeped out by me to want to actually talk to me as a person, please don't waste my time. And if you think I'm desperate and am an easy source of attention for you; that you can throw me a pity bone and I will be your lapdog, find someone else. I've been used too many times.

Likewise, if your intention in talking to me is to try and make me fit some preexisting narrative of what someone like me ought to be like, and you are not going to treat me as an individual, but instead dismiss my thoughts on the basis of what I am, don't waste my time or your own. I want to be judged for ME, not for my attractions.

If we are talking and you don't want to talk anymore, please just tell me so. Don't suddenly go silent or give me that line about how you have to think about your answer and then never give one. It's a slap in the face every time that happens.

If I've spoken to you on Whisper, but have stopped replying, I was probably banned again. Please E-mail me at 2w8e9@notsharingmy.info

Or if that doesn't work, try this one: 1zvz2@notsharingmy.info

To OKC staff:

You are probably going to see my profile get reported a lot. I beg you to show some tolerance towards me. I'm here to meet people just the same as everyone else, and I'm not breaking any rules.
The two of us