33 Mount Vernon, United States
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My self-summary
I'm 30 now (holy shit), meaning that if I were I good person I should have been dead roughly five years ago. (If only I still had my Porsche, then maybe I could have pulled an ever-so-iconic James Dean. O well, I'm sure that I'll have another one in the future.)

I am also the ultimate paradox; I'm perfectly content watching Jerry Springer re-runs with a can of cheap beer in my hand whilst talking about Guy Debord in between the commercials. (I'm sure everyone will get the Guy Debord reference, amirite?)

If I had a theme song, this would be it : (Yes, I change it every time I log on.)

I prefer syrup, and my favorite flavor is purple.

If another sad fucker tells me that I can't be smart and awesome and funny and a party beast and amazingly good looking I guess it will be my *civic duty* to inform them that I am actually a character actor playing myself.

In real time for a reality TV special.

Hopefully this blows their mind more than that shitty Inception movie.
What I’m doing with my life
Planning on joining the Freemasons to conquer the earth, because that's clearly how you do it.

I study politics, philosophy, history, and all sorts of other fun stuff that is useful in day to day life; I mean when doesn't John Stuart Mill and utilitarianism come up in polite conversations?

I also enjoy writing both fiction and non-fiction, and making terrible films.
I’m really good at
I don't think there's enough space to answer that, but I'll try.

Here's a few to whet the ol' appetite -

Converting beef into chicken.
DJing parties to stand still; I turn on my tunes and everyone stops.
Punching hands while drinking beer in can.
Movie Critiques.
Having feminists fix me sandwiches.
Filming and Directing and Editing.
Singing ICP songs. For the lulz.
Cooking until the food is properly "done".
Making drinks.
Tell people to come and get one in the yarbles. But obviously only if they have any yarbles and aren't a eunuch jelly.
Writing, fiction, non-fiction, and scripts; I'm multifaceted.
Making technology work.
Creating profiles on OKCupid.
Being kind enough to let God base the book of Genesis upon my work with a chemistry set in second grade.
Getting bored quickly with talking about myself.
The first things people usually notice about me
The lack of pants about my waist, the giant can of PBR in my hand, and the soft, ever so subtle, childish giggling of the clearly deranged.

The giggling being my friend Wes; He hides behind me.
He's invisible.
Until you look at him.

Women describe me as being dark, mysterious, and deep - I assume the later isn't some sort of penis reference. They also say under all my awesome comedic prowess lurks some cloudy seething emotional vulnerability...whatever the hell that means.

Also, a lot of people say I look or come off like an asshole; If so, I just want it to be known that I'm *clearly* a bleached one. Just sayin'.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Books - Hobbes (the tiger), Hobbes (the philosopher), anything from the Oprah book club, The Da Vinci Code (It's cheaper than toilet paper, and twice as absorbent), Miss Manners (it's a bondage porno mag), and a bunch of juvenile, ignorant books that no one would ever read, such as Machiavelli, Habermas, DeBord, Kant, Marx, Locke, Hegel...and several other political philosophers. For funsies I rock out to A Clock Work Orange, Fear and Loathing, Generation Kill, and, well, pretty much anything about the middle east (The Great War for Civilisation, for instance...and that's not a typo, it's actually spelled that way, honest.), and every now and again I utilize my Mr. T scripture set. It basically says "I pity you, Mr. T 1:1".

Then there's that whole "Hunter Thompson" guy, along with Shakespeare and well...let me put it this way - I own so many books that my bookshelf imploded; Keep in mind this is after I filled up a walk in closet with boxes of the damn things.

I have an original copy of "Sexual Behavior in the Human Male". It is pretty damn funny.

I'm pretty much a movie critic, and the best film of all time, hands down, is a little gem called "THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE". Watch it, and consider thyself fed, it *is* the human condition. Other movies I like include The Fountain, Gran Torino, Slumdog Millionaire, Southland Tales, Tropic Thunder,Black Snake Moan, Willow, anything by Broken Lizard (Beerfest, Super Troopers, Slammin Salmon, etc), Willow and, of course, Last of the Mohicans...that shit's so cash.

Also, I really enjoy the HBO serieseses, such as Rome, Sopranos, Oz, and Generation Kill.

Musically, I usually have some pumping. O yeah, and Kesha...that bitch rocks...and Zeromancer...and Iris...and a ton of other stuff nobody has ever heard of. The more mainstream of my collection is Manson, HIM, 3Oh!3, NIN, Gorillaz, The Black Keys, Foo Fighters,38 Special, Eminem, Dresden Dolls, Eve 6, Rasputina, Fleetwood Mac, Collective Soul, Kid Cudi, The Crystal Method, a bajillion different DJ's, (I can't believe I'm admitting this) Coldplay, White Tie Affair, Timbaland, and about 90 gigs more of random stuff. And the Veronicas and Adam Lambert; Hate away. (And I know I and started a sentence with and.)

I only eat what Gordon Ramsay tells me to.
The six things I could never do without
An Iron.
My box fan, I can't sleep without it.
Political Journals in regards to global issues, such as the influence of multiculturalism on practitioners of radical Islam in western European nations, and its influence upon the US.

Or some shit like that.

Hunter S. Thompson. (He counts as six by himself, so I'm up to twelve.)
I spend a lot of time thinking about
How to fix the worlds problems, what else?

How much I have to work out before I can change my body type to "fit".

Envisioning a chemical compound to remove the red from peoples necks. Take down your confederate flag; You lost, get over it. I don't go around proclaiming myself a loyalist and waving a Union Jack. (I do, however, sort of fantasize about dressing up in a red coat and wig and going to a tea party with a huge box of Sir Thomas Lipton.)
On a typical Friday night I am
Working on bridges. Working under bridges. Touching it while you touch my toes, you know...the American Dream in action.
(Extra points if you know where that quote came from.)

When I'm not out making that paper, I'm partying, singing terrible songs with friends (ICP, David Allen Coe, etc etc) for our mutual entertainment, and filming stupid short films to toss onto the youtube.

I also really enjoy driving around, exploring things; Looking for something that I can't quite put my finger on...nothing quite like the feeling of hurtling down a lonely back road, running through the gears, dodging wild animals, to achieve that Thrill, if even for a second, of being as close to The Edge as humanly possible.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I turn thirty on 12/21/ even if nothing cataclysmic happens my life is still over.

I gained five pounds over the winter.

I co-invented a beverage called the "Hold Your Mudslide".

If you have red hair you pretty much own me.

If I could be any animal in the world I'd be a lemur.

I want to be your Edward. I almost got sick typing that.

I sometimes say the "L" in "salmon" to piss people off.

If I could have any job, I would work for the Department of Redundancy Department.

I would pretend to be gay to seduce Glenn Beck, forcibly sodomize him and film it, then turn said footage over to the Westboro Baptist Church. Run and tell that, homeboy.

My last blood test said that I had dangerously high amounts of "fuck it" in my blood stream.
You should message me if want to talk for a bit, I'm on here looking for friends and if it goes somewhere from there, cool. If not, well, that's fine too.

...upon reading a message from myself and don't find it all that amusing, you are willing to stand immediately upwards and jump in the air no less than three times. Hopefully this will dislodge the stick from your anus.

Also, if you think that I'm too smart or edgy or not politically correct enough for you, odds are, you're right; Follow your impulses.

Please don't be stupid, I frown on that...meaning that if you've doctored you profile with things you've clearly gotten off of the back of philosophy/medical/pornographic books/magazines/journals please leave me alone. You're not impressing anyone and we can all "see wut u did thur".

PS - If you like Glenn Beck, you fit into this category, and should more than likely become sterilized.

If you made it this far hopefully you understand that all the "oddities" above are to frighten off the unimaginative, the boring, and, most importantly, the generally skeezy. I'm down to earth and a damn good time, and, if given the chance, I will make you feel like the center of the universe.

Or maybe just the reason to brag.