41 Ithaca, United States
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My self-summary
I'm a complex cocktail of qualities, characters, and personality traits, none of which solely define me as a person. I'm constantly looking for ways to grow, learn, re-define and challenge myself, and understand the complexities of human social and biological existence. One characteristic, however, is a major underlying theme to my personal narrative and paradigm about human behavior and one that I value - I'm transgender. Being transgender has given me perspective that most people will never have and I don't think I would choose NOT to be trans if I could have chosen to be born cisgender (= not transgender).

My gender identity is FTM or transman/guy and I transitioned over 16 yrs ago. I use masculine pronouns - he/him/his. My life before transition was very tumultuous and at times, tragic. Persistence is tool #1 in my survival kit, sometimes my relisience surprises me. Laughter is a close second for tools that make life bearable. I don't know what I'd do without it. I like spending time with people with whom I can laugh until my cheeks hurt. Unfortunately, I don't meet people like that very often. I learned this lesson when I was in a relationship with someone who rarely even smiles.

My interests are relatively fluid but don't change so quickly that I don't finish things. I love nature, camping, swimming in Ithaca's gorges, fishing, buidling things, gardening, bird watching, musical theatre, riding my motorcycle around the beautiful Finger Lakes countryside. I love being able to share my interests with my partner but don't think we have to like all of the same things.

My personal experience has led me to conclude that I can develop interest and feelings for a person regardless of categorical qualities (e.g., male, female, other-gender, age, educated, not-as-educated, race, economic status, etc.). Certainly there are some things that can't be overlooked but as long as our lifestyles are somewhat compatible I can be with a wide variety of people. In that sense, I don't have a "type" and instead see a person as just that, a person (as opposed to just a body). I care less about the boxes a person can check off than I do about how awesome of a person they are. I find ambition, intellect, and creativity incredibly attractive and quite often sexy. I frequently find performing artists to be irresistable.

I identify as queer because none of the black-and-white labels fully describe me and I'm quite comfortable living in the "gray" (it's WAY more fun here!). I don't get along well with people who want to live life according to society's prescriptions and I hate the word "normal". I've never been "normal" and honestly, don't care to be (normalcy is too subjective to apply to everyone anyway and in my mind "normal" = BORING). I think life is more interesting in the margins.

I was a lesbian for nearly 10 years. Consequently, I tend to be drawn to lesbian/queer/bi/pan/... women. I have a pretty good grasp on what women like, want, and find pleasureable. How many men do you know who truly understand menstruation? :)

I'm sex-positive and very sexual. I don't think sex or sexual desire is anything to be ashamed of and I try to perpetuate the idea that we can talk about our sexualities without being crude or offensive. To quote George Michael: "Sex is natural, sex is fun, sex is best when it's one on one". He got the first two things right, I'm not so sure about the last one. ;)

I have great relationships with most of my exes. My family has never been supportive of my "lifestyle" so my chosen family is very important to me. My belief about love being limitless means that if a romantic relationship doesn't work with someone that doesn't mean we can't be great friends. Besides, we've seen each other in some of our worst moments and still love each other. That's the best kind of friend I can imagine.

I'm non-monagamous but tend to end up in "functionally monogamous" relationships due mostly to time constraints. I'm passionately committed to the people I love romantically and so far that has only involved one person at a time (with casual partners on the side). However, I'm interested in trying a variety of relationships. I'm always interested in meeting new like-minded people, if I have the time, for friendship, dating, NSA fun, etc. As far as I can tell right now (but this could change), I'm interested in having a primary relationship with someone and maybe eventually seeing other people casually independently. Ultimately I AM looking for love but what that might actually look like and how many people are involved is anybody's guess! I'm willing to take emotional risks and fall in love quite easily with the right people. I don't reserve my feeling out of fear of getting hurt. There has only been one person who I fell in love with who didn't feel the same way. We ended up being best friends instead and are still very close. Learning to let go of my romantic feelings for her in order to remain good friends was an amazing lesson that I cherish so many years later.

I'm an intensely loyal friend and will fight for the people I love. I don't stop loving even though we may only talk once a year. I'm very generous with my time and emotions and give both freely to the people I love.

I can be very romantic and women tend to bring that out the most. I've been known to pick a bouquet of wildflowers and leave it on a porch, sprint to another building on campus to steal a quick kiss, and write poetry/prose. I'm very expressive. You will never have to guess how I'm feeling because I'll tell you. Some people may find this intimidating or scary but communicating my feelings helps me to understand and process them. I appreciate the same in return but realize that everyone has different styles of communication and that's OK. Non-verbal communication works too. What I don't like is no communication. That's not good for anyone.

I think men should cry regularly. It's cathartic, even if it's triggered by a fictional movie. I don't like the stereotypes that define masculinity as stoic and insensitive. I try to challenge social norms for gendered behavior by being a different kind of "man", one of my own creation and customized by the fact that I was socialized as female and have lived more years as "female" than as male (so far).

I can attest to the fact that people are treated very differently based on their perceived sex and sexual orientation because I have been perceived as all of the following at one point in my life (in chronological order): heterosexual female, lesbian, heterosexual male, homosexual male. I find this to be incredibly interesting. If I were a queer theorist I could write a great book! I may go ahead and write the book anyway.
What I’m doing with my life
I finished my PhD in 2015 and am on the job market looking for post-docs or teaching positions. Until recently I was an adjunct professor at Ithaca College teaching Biology of Sex (the perfect course for me). I'm currently self-employed doing a variety of jobs including sexual/intimacy counseling/coaching/advocacy (we can talk privately about this), handyman projects, helping people organize their lives/homes, guest lectures, and more. I'm piecing together a living one gig at a time, but look forward to a more predictable job arrangement. I am willing and eager to relocate, but have no idea when that will be. I've had enough of Ithaca's winters, the current one being my 10th! Wow, has it really been that long?
I’m really good at
laughing, making people laugh, sex, being romanctic, learning, listening, teaching, board games, meaningful conversations, being spontaneous, meeting new people in unlikely places, making friends, being a good friend, being a cat and dog dad
The first things people usually notice about me
I think what people first notice about others is biased by what they WANT to see. One time, many years ago, I went on a blind date. At some point in the conversation she said quite snarkily"you didn't TELL me you have freckles." I didn't know what to say, my freckles had never been a problem for anyone and having freckles isn't a primary component of my identity any more than is having brown eyes. Obviously, it mattered to her and I never heard from her again. Nevertheless, I think there are a few consistent things that most people notice about me right away. It's obvious that I'm intelligent but not pretentious, adept at incorporating levity into nearly any conversation, intense and passionate, oh, and I have freckles ;)
Heterosexual men usually notice that there's something different about me and sometimes that makes them uncomfortable. They're detecting my resistance to the rules of gender norms and stereotypes, something that I take pride in. A lot of the time I'm read as gay and that's fine by me. I'd actually be upset if I was read as straight!
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Secret Diary of a Call Girl, Hell's Kitchen, Dexter, Suburgatory, Parks and Recreation, The Walking Dead, The New Girl, American Horror Story (seasons 1 and 2 only)
The six things I could never do without
1. fresh, cold water
2. the sun/vitamin D
3. community/friends
4. books
5. animals
6. sex
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Teaching, evolution, atheism, how to make the world a better place for LGB T or other marginalized people, how to eliminate the stigma associated with depression, mental illness, sex and sexuality, how to meet interesting, open-minded women who will date a transguy (it's not difficult to find men)
On a typical Friday night I am
Spending time with my partner/best friend, talking to an ex or old friend on the phone, watching something on my AppleTV, snuggling with my puppy in front of a fire, camping, hanging out with a good friend, having sex
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I let my dog lick my face, a little bit, but not if she's recently visited the neighbor's horse barn. Yuck.
You should message me if
you're open-minded and have a great sense of humor, you're not so attached to your sexual identity that being with a transguy threatens your whole existence, you have a sex-positive attitude and are sexually adventurous (experience isn't necessary), or you have a thing for transguys! Oh, and I have an extremely and annoyingly sensitive nose, please have good oral and bodily hygiene.