39 Salt Lake City, United States
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My self-summary
You can probably tell from my pictures that I'm in a gang. Granted, it's a white-collar gang, but nevertheless, it's a gang. I'm pretty tall, kind of dark, and moderately handsome. Close enough. I have a pretty strong sense of humor and it's something that is important to me. I am a lot of fun and have charm for miles. Clearly, I'm also humble. I have the best job in the world, which makes a lot of the other things in life pretty easy and enjoyable.
What I’m doing with my life
I'm donating it to science. I'm fairly certain that they aren't going to be able to salvage much, but I did check the box on my driver's license.
I’m really good at
Reading the braille next to the numbered buttons on elevators
Using a taser as a defibrillator when someone goes into cardiac arrest
Rollerblading w/cutoffs and a fanny pack listening to a Sony Walkman
Convincing children my windowless van is filled with candy and wishes
Applying Humira to people's moderate to severe plaque psoriasis
Running Carnival Cruise ships into Mediterranean islands
Being super patient while we all wait for the second coming of Jesus
Guessing how Tyler Perry movies are going to end
Assisting with the exit row on a plane in case of an emergency
The first things people usually notice about me
That I'm stealing the change out of their car ashtray. After they start chasing me, they notice that I'm incredibly fast for a man of my size. Then they notice that I am very generous when they see me stop to give a homeless person all the change I just stole from their ashtray. Modern Robin Hood.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
If you don't love Arrested Development, we won't get along because I won't respect you. Aside from that, I enjoy anything that doesn't suck, and even a few things that probably do suck a little.
The six things I could never do without
My Shake Weight
My gladiator costume
My collection of banana hammocks
My quilting table

*This list is subject to almost a constant change
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Ways to get away with murder. I would never murder anyone, and I don't even wish death on anyone. I just think about what it would take to get away with it in various scenarios. Seems like it wouldn't be that hard if you didn't have a motive. Don't you think? See, now you're thinking about it too. Now we have something to chat about.
On a typical Friday night I am
At one of the local high school football games staring at the cheerleaders. It's not what you think. I'm not a pervert. I'm just visualizing murdering them. Get your mind out of the gutter.