30Columbus, United States
Join today
Find great matches with our advanced matching system!
Join today
Find great matches with our advanced matching system!
My self-summary
Just a starving comedian trying to stay afloat in the vast chasm of bullshit that is my brain.

I don't want to brag, But I'm pretty god damn good at procrastinating. So if that's a problem for you, we'll just have to deal with it at another time. I spend more time on my stupid web comic than my actual job and if your profile contains some roflcopters I'll probably write one about you and never tell you. I love my headphones. Probably more than i'll love you, but they were here first you ****ing homewreckers. I'm hopelessly addicted to Carmex and tropical punch is the ONLY koolaid flavor allowed in my house. NO EXCEPTIONS WILL BE MADE ON THIS, unless for some reason tropical punch goes extinct, in which case cherry will inherit the number one spot. I swear to **** if i go to drink some delicious ass red koolaid expecting the sweet release of tropical fruits and i get some bullsh*t ass single fruit strawberry****ead flavor I'm going to loose my ****ing hat. AND I DONT EVEN WEAR HATS

For the love of mason jars full of ladybug parts and hooker spit please don't ask me how I am.


I'm kinda grumpy today, dude. I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. I was having those dreams again. Ya know, how it's just me in a castle and I gotta fight, like, a thousand wizards and the only way to beat them is to punch them as hard as I can in their faces. Then, when I'm done, all their little wizard wives came out and wanted me to have sex with them - which is kinda weird.

I'll totally view your profile, but by no means will I send the first message. No real reason really
I promise. Not even if theres a fire
Nervousssssss eek 0.o

You remember that night at Dooley's pool party on that fine Summer eve? When I did that double jack-knife twist and blew everyone's tits off? You remember that? And then I went down on Chrissy Orlando on the trampoline later that night?

I'm not a shallow person in the least bit, I give personality a legitimate chance. Exception: Hammerhead sharks. Sorry, it just wouldn't work for me. It's not a shark thing. I mean, I have tons of shark friends, so don't make it about that. It's more of a your-eyes-are-on-the-outside-of-your-****ing-head sorta thing. Sorry, call me a **** if you must, but I just know people would stare at us. I'm just not that strong of a person.

You know, there's like a butt-load of gangs at this school. This one gang kept wanting me to join because I'm pretty good with a bo-staff.

Also much love:
My cat, Steven Glansburg
&dog, Roscoe Pico Train
The Lulz
Making sweet tunes
Zelda Ocarina of Time
Your mom jokes, well, and your mom
Bad words
Assassins Creed
People watching
Your momma's creed
One little, two little, three little Indians and their creeds as well

You've reached the part of the profile that I've decided to switch up the format a bit. Rather than continuing to list random bullet points with no context whatsoever, I'm going to use the paragraph format. So these words are arranged into sentences, which make up an actual paragraph. My main reasoning for doing this is that very few people actually read someones profile prior to sending a message. They just skim over the profile looking for keywords to reference in their first message. In theory, not only does this give the owner of the profile the illusion that they did in fact read before messaging, but it also increases the likelihood they they will receive a message in return due to having at least one keyword in common. Here are a few more words, just trying to increase the length of this section in the hopes of appearing like i have some ancient underground secret to life. More words, a comma, more words, additional comma final word. Words next to words next to words next to words period (actual period). Its a tiny tiny period, but a period nonetheless. Here are some of those keywords for you: Music, tacos, music tacos
Paragraph break
Now i know what you're thinking. What about the people who do read profiles? To that i apologize to the massive waste of time this section has been. But its not all about you, It took me longer to write these paragraphs about nothing as well. Typing out this paragraph is way slower than reading this paragraph, so have a little sympathy for the writer miss selfish. Now to a real paragraph.

My favorite saying is "**** me in the goat ass". No, there is a source, i didn't invent it. Its just something that i say without thinking about it. 2 maybe 2 and a half times a day. Obviously, i am not a goat, therefor i am ineligible to have an ass of a goat. But lets just say i did, I certainly wouldn't want to be sexually penetrated in said goats ass. So, moot point. But now you know, and if indeed we are hanging out someplace in earshot of a stranger when the awful saying rears its evil little head, you'll know how to explain the goat ass situation.
Honestly, I'm not quite sure which would get the weirder look, Actually explaining it to someone, or the fact that i just said goat ass situation with a straight face.

Now for the most serious part. I own my own business, working from home most of the time. I'm a hermit by design. I listen to far too many genres of music to have a favorite. But if you must know, Conor Oberst/Bright eyes is my most favorite ever.

if you made it through the bullsh*t here, maybe someday we could become friends. Friends who ride majestic, translucent steeds, shooting flaming arrows across the bridge of Hemdale

Disclaimer: Please assume everything on this page is a lie until proven otherwise, Including this disclaim
What I’m doing with my life
Cat, i'm a kitty cat, and i dance dance dance and i dance dance dance
I’m really good at
Listening to music from 2005.
The first things people usually notice about me
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Noise: Bright Eyes and Conor Oberst, The fucking National , The Honorary Title, Margot and the nuclear So and sos, Mae, Anthony Green, The Academy Is...,Her Space Holiday, Cute is what we aim for, Tilly and the Wall, Cartel, Lydia, The Decemberists, The Rocket Summer, Senses fail, Emery, The Get Up Kids, Bayside, Straylight Run, Thursday, Copeland, Underoath, Desaparecidos, The Weepies, He is Legend, Vanna, Finch, The Starting Line, Blind Pilot, Brand New, The Early November, Dead Poetic, Say Anything, Pierce the Veil, The Format, Something Corporate, PlayRadioPlay, Manchester Orchestra, Emanuel, The Postal Service, AFI (Sing the Sorrow and earlier. If we're hanging out and you plop in your copy of Decemberunderground I promise ill break it into a hundred pieces, add 1/2 cup of water, 2 chicken Ramon noodle flavor packets, then simmer on low heat for 10 minutes. After it cools ill feed it to the neighbors dog. I always see him eating shit, so I doubt he'll be able to tell the difference)

Bigscreen: Gardenstate, Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind, Drugstore Cowboys, All Kevin smith movies

FUCK Donnie Darko. I said it, it's a shitty movie and you know it. You only like it because your friends pretend to. Also, Not a fan of fight club, Eat my shorts.

Tube: EASTBOUND AND DOWN, Its always Sunny in Philadelphia, Breaking Bad, Trailer Park Boys, Kenny Vs Spenny, The Wire

Paper: Lamb
Six things I could never do without
I spent a week drinking the sunlight of Winnetka, California. Where they understand the weight of human hearts. You see sorrow gets too heavy and joy it tends to hold you, With the fear that it eventually departs.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
At what age do you tell a highway its adopted?
On a typical Friday night I am
Your mother, probably
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
You should message me if
Why hello sexygurl4ulolwat
Tell me, did your teeth come with that taco meat already on them?

If you're a bird, then your mothers a bird
The two of us