35Minneapolis, United States
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My self-summary
Hello LAYDEEZ. I hope you're ready, because the awesomeness starts NOW. This is a joke. Kind of. It's all kind of a joke. Or maybe not. I can't even tell sometimes.

I am friendly, kind, hyper-intelligent, downright hilarious, fun to be around, great at parties, generally entertaining, loud, inappropriate, and obviously modest. OK, not modest, but I am INSANELY honest. I have a bit of an ego, but it's fair because I am really quite rockin'. In many ways. I'm a raconteur, a rake, and a scoundrel.

I also have bad qualities! But we will not discuss those here because it is not the time nor the place. Feel free to ask, however! I am TOTALLY OPEN ABOUT EVERYTHING ALWAYS. Often to a fault. I'll answer anything.

I'm a colossal nerd. I enjoy the nerdy pursuits, but I also have GREAT social skills. I'm like the Fonz, if he had at some point gotten into D&D.

I live my life exactly how I want to every single day.

I love kitties, ducks, old music, History, Science, dinosaurs, food, women, comfort, convenience, and adventure. I HAVE SO MUCH LOVE.

I hate misspelled words, improper grammar, Nazis, math, clubbing, clubbing baby seals, pretentious folk, and your favorite band. I HAVE SO MUCH HATE.

I'm motivated almost exclusively by love, sex, food, and entertaining myself, in whatever way I feel like at the time.

I am an indoor cat.

I'm downright sweet to people I like, and I prefer the company of women to men.

My name is Kearney, and I fucking rule.

But how are you?
What I’m doing with my life
Enjoying it.

I work two amazing jobs, hosting bar trivia and DJing weddings and events. I'M AN ARTIST. Ok, not really, but I do get to entertain drunk people for a living, which is pretty awesome. And I have oodles and oodles of free time. Which is IMPORTANT AND WONDERFUL. I also started hosting karaoke once a week, because I missed doing so. I also do some temp work. Fun.

Growing facial hair. I'm pretty good at it!

I do a LOT of hanging out at my house. This is fun for me, as I'm SPECTACULAR at entertaining myself.

Considering shaving my beard and sideburns, and going STRAIGHT MOUSTACHE. I can't decide.

I just returned from a visit to London with my lovely and wonderful girlfriend. It was goddamned amazing and I would very much like to live there someday. It has all the benefits of a huge American city (quick pace, things to do, cultural diversity, FOOD diversity) but there's no violent crime, free health care, gay people can get married, and the cops wear RIDICULOUS hats. Someday, London.
I’m really good at
Video games, hilarity, cooking, parties, and all-around pleasantness. ALSO IDENTIFYING DINOSAURS. (Don't say sex, don't say sex) Also sex. Handshakes. Kissing, which is the handshake of the mouth. Snuggling, as I'm very comfortable. I don't want to brag, but I've been described as 'snuggletastic' on more than one occasion. And on one beautiful day, 'Snugglemaster, Master of Snuggles'.

I have a LOT of bad qualities, which I'm absolutely open to discussing. But there are areas in which I excel to a degree that's pretty darned close to unbelievable. I am off the charts hilarious, shockingly charming, and I am a borderline genius. Because this has made me sound incredibly vain, I'll also point out that I am horribly clumsy, I can be egotistical, I'm a bit of a fatty, my hair is arguably stupid, and that I'm embarrassingly frightened of bugs. Of course, some cultures consider bug related phobias to be INCREDIBLY masculine. I'm guessing. There are a lot of cultures. COME ON CULTURES, DON'T MAKE ME A LIAR. Oh, I can't catch. If you throw me something, I will drop it. Also I have this ADORABLE QUIRK where if I'm attracted to a woman, I'll often drop what I'm holding when speaking to her. This is SUPER CONVENIENT when it's a glass of something, or a human infant. Just kidding! I rarely hold infants. FOR THIS REASON.

I have a talent for making people feel comfortable, and for getting people to open up to me. I'm a weird combo of smart, outgoing, and friendly which really helps to put people at ease.

I make the world's greatest deviled eggs and the world's greatest garlic bread. I am not exaggerating here.
The first things people usually notice about me
People CONSTANTLY approach me on the street and say, "Hey man, you know what I first noticed about you?" so this question is no problem for me.

Generally they mention that I have pretty eyes, like a lady. I'm also a large, loud, usually bearded, outspoken man, and as such I tend to attract quite a bit of attention. I'm kind of a giant. Not in a morbidly obese kind of way, just general largeness.

I talk into microphones quite frequently, so people probably notice my voice is unnaturally amplified.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Batman. No, seriously. BATMAAAAAAAN.

Book- Jurassic Park, Sandman, Hellblazer, Preacher, The Devil in the White City, other assorted non-fiction. Presidential biographies! Freakonomics was AWESOME.

Movie- ALSO Jurassic Park. I like Wes Anderson a lot, but in the magical sea of hipsters that is OKCupid, that isn't rare. Rushmore is my all-time favorite movie. I thought Citizen Kane was boring, pretentious horseshit.

Music- Jurassic Park soundtrack. I'm also on a massive Beatles kick lately. I like a lot of music, most of it from long before I was born. I appreciate simplicity in songs. And sing-a-longability. Which is not a word.

Massive kick lately PART TWO: Elliott Smith. He was introduced to me by a beautiful and mysterious woman during a recent bout of heroin addiction. Which is obviously the best way to be introduced. This paragraph is probably a joke, so don't worry.

Bobby Darin is my favorite singer. Cake, Flogging Molly, NOFX, Green Day, the Beach Boys, (they released a version of Pet Sounds a few years ago with a cappella versions of some Beach Boys stuff. This arouses me sexually). Me First and the Gimme Gimmes. Neil Diamond. Shhh, I know. Oooh, let's get philosophical!

The three cardinal virtues of Rock 'N' Roll, to me at least, are Power, Wisdom, and Courage. These are the songs that exemplify those virtues:

Power- "Bat out of Hell" by Meatloaf
Wisdom- "The Origin of Love" by Hedwig and the Angry Inch
Courage - "Thunder Road" by Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band.

Those are my favorite songs, if that means anything to you.

I'll grant that that sounds a little douchey. Feel free to ignore it! OR AGREE WHOLEHEARTEDLY.

Food- I realized recently that they all start with the letter P. Pizza, Philly Cheesesteak, Pad Thai, Potstickers. I also FUCKING LOVE EGGS. Breakfast for dinner? Breakfast for ALWAYS.

Television- I ENJOY MANY TELEVISION PROGRAMS. I think Community is the best show on television right now. POSSIBLY the Venture Brothers. Deadwood is an all time favorite, and I'd be UNPOPULAR if I didn't mention Arrested Development. In a move that shows I don't care if I AM unpopular, I'd also like to show some love for Dawson's Creek. Even though it's terrible.

Also Glee. Shut up. I LIKE MUSICALS, OK?
EDIT: I don't watch Glee anymore. I am not sorry.
Six things I could never do without
I've found that when I think I'll dislike someone based on their profile, it's usually because of this section. So I'll be careful. It bugs me when people put "food, water, oxygen" or what have you, but I also don't want to be twee. Let's see how this goes! None of these are necessities, of course. But they make life more awesome, and that's pretty much what it's all about.

-Food (Not in a nourishment sense, but in an ENJOYMENT kinda way)
-The amazing glory that is the Internet.
-Socialization, of whatever kind I'm in the mood for.
-Driving. With music. And cigarettes. MAN I love driving, smoking, and listening to music.
-I'm putting sex again, as a BONUS #7! Because I can. And it's one of my primary motivators!
-Those damned video games.

I wanted to put love, but I've learned that I ABSOLUTELY CAN live without love. It just makes life a lot less interesting.

So yeah. 8. Because I am 25% needier than the average person. NO NOT REALLY
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Sex, honestly. That's number one. Also the plight of our mundane existence. Not really. Well, occasionally.

I am now a resident of Uptown Minneapolis. Because I am THAT hip and/or Trendy. So I think about what kind of amazing food I should eat tonight.

Also dinosaurs again. And what I should be doing instead of nothing.

What you look like naked.

I used to live in the desert. I miss it sometimes. Like when there are ICE STORMS.

Why Spring is better than Autumn and Autumn is better than Summer and why Winter can go fuck itself.

Why Comedy Central can say 'dick' late at night, but they bleep out 'clit'. That's a MAD double standard right there, Comedy Central. BOO CONTEMPORARY SEXISM

Butts. ALL the butts.
On a typical Friday night I am
Sometimes I'll be out painting the town red. Oftentimes, I will be at home. Painting NOTHING.

Tonight I am painting my toenails. Not really. OR AM I? I am not.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I hate sports, and secretly root for Minnesota teams to lose, so people will talk about them less. I'm an asshole.

I'm a total dick about music.

I love, love, LOVE the Jews. I've gotten along swimmingly with every Jewish person I've ever met.

I killed a guy once, but don't worry about it.

This is a difficult section for me because I really have no secrets. Ask me anything! I'm totally serious!

I secretly bring the FUNK.

I'm an ESTP if that sort of thing matters to you.

If you wrote something like, "If I admitted it, it wouldn't be private anymore! LOL" in this block, you are lame. Take THAT, society.

I don't enjoy most holidays, but I FUCKING LOVE HALLOWEEN. Also the 4th of July is pretty good.

I'm very independent, but I also greatly enjoy snuggling. I AM COMPLICATED.

There's a decent chance I won't like you. But who knows?

Most of my self-confidence is a mask hiding DEEP personal insecurities. But some of it is because of how great I am.

OK so apparently at some point ROCK CLIMBING became a really popular thing to do. Is it just me, or does rock climbing seem fucking terrible? Like, you climb a rock, and it's probably hard and hurts and isn't fun at all. And then at the end, you presumably have to climb DOWN the rock. I probably wouldn't even play a rock climbing video game. It sounds hard.
You should message me if
First and foremost, if you feel like it. I will probably respond! I like talking to people, especially if you're a night person like me.

I got a Zelda tattoo a while back. So if you understand how awesome that is.

Will I want to make out with you? WHO KNOWS? There are factors at play here, but nobody really understands the complexities of attraction. I WILL point out I tend to be more attracted to slim or average body types. Also I like moxie a lot. Sassiness. And big, expressive eyes. Also intelligence. And banter. I LOVE good banter.

This is becoming a bit of an OKCUPID CLICHE, but I really hate emoticons. They are stupid, and they make me like you less. So try to avoid those, maybe? Also spelling and proper word usage are VERY important in online communication. To me, anyhow. Improper usage of 'who's' and 'whose' is really starting to bug me lately, for example.

Anyhoo, feel free to message me. The most important reason to message me, or anyone ever, is because you feel like it in that exact moment. And for the most part, I'm fun to talk to and I'm pretty darned nice.

Thanks for reading! Have a lovely day!
The two of us