I suddenly thought to myself
"WWSD?" (What Would Snookie Do?) Which is really rather odd because I barely know who she is, and proudly have never consciously watched so much as a nanosecond of "Jersey Shore".
None-the-less I quickly drank an entire bottle of vodka,
which is a particularly bad idea for someone like me who drinks like a
......well....person who doesn't drink much.
SOooo as I refunded the vodka into the nearest trashcan, it hit me like the hot kiss on the end of a wet fist! I thought to myself "JSSCHLBRandbsieyrrrr.."
because I was utterly hammered
but after several cups of coffee my head cleared enough to think "Jus chill bro and be your usual adorable
(depending on who you ask) self."
Build it and they will come. (no pun intended)
Does your love life suck? Would you like for it not to suck? Ever wonder what it’s like to have a man actually listen to what you are saying without getting distracted or staring at your chest? Are you tired of men who bring up the subject of sex long before its appropriate to do so? Would you like to know what it’s like to receive flowers on no particular occasion? Would you like to date a man that can actually apologize without getting defensive? If you answered yes to any of these questions then you've come to the right place.
Got a leaky faucet? Child's play. Are you afraid the wiring in the bathroom will soon set the house ablaze? Not a problem. I’m an FAA certified airframe and powerplant (aircraft) mechanic, and take my word for it, a commercial aircraft is 500 ways more complex than that lawnmower that won’t start in less than 20 tries.
I can cook a delicious meal, my bathroom and kitchen are clean, I have several well-tailored suits in my closet including a tux, you will never see me without a shirt on unless I’m in the shower, on the beach or you take it off yourself. I can build you a deck (or a house for all that matter), I can do the laundry without shrinking it down to the size of a toddlers clothes,I take good care of myself and I walk at least 20 minutes with my dog almost every day, I can give an awesome full body massage AND I look like George Clooney on a good day. OK that last part was pure BS but what do you want, a miracle?
I triple dog dare you to call my bluff because all the rest is absolutely true. Take a look at my pictures and you will notice no trucks, cars or motorcycles, no bathroom selfie taken in what looks like a hoarders house, and the pictures were selected by a woman friend of mine to insure there will be no surprises when we meet.
Reading these online profiles is a lot like reading a stack of resumes. I think it's safe to say we all dislike drama and dishonesty. And we all like snuggling by the fireside with a glass of wine and puppies and walks on the beach and good conversation and good conversations with puppies walking on the beach.
♥ I am an artist , musician (guitar for my entire adult life), historian/archaeologist, aviator, mechanic rationalist and advocate for science literacy.
♥ I can lick my elbow.
♥ I am highly regarded by most dogs and cats.
♥ I really like using bullet points.
♥ I can dance on skates.
♥ I will eat most anything.
♥ be honest, you tried to lick your elbow 5 bullet points ago.
♥ I am well house broken.
♥ I lied about being able to lick my elbow.
Here's just a few tips to make things easier for you:
♥ If you ever think to yourself "WTF? Is he serious?"
The answer is probly not.
♥ Anything I said six months ago is inadmissible.
All smartass comments are deleted from my brain on a weekly basis.
♥ If I ask what is wrong and you say "nothing",
I will believe you.
♥ Less than 2 % of all the people in the world can lick their elbow.
♥ I am a virtual walking fly Holocaust.
Me+flyswatter=certain death for those vile creatures
as I swing into action with the Ninja style cat-like reflexes of a TV gunfighter.
♥ If you think those pants make your ass look big,
then it probably is big, so don't even bother asking me.
If you read further you'll see I'm ok with a big ass*,
so I will never give you any other answer than
"Your ass looks divine, sweetheart!"
It's just better that way.
*This does not mean you can outweigh me by 200lbs.
Sorry if this applies or you are offended, so call me shallow, but you're probably going to have to get into a canoe or climb a steep hillside with me at some point.
♥ Check your oil. Please. Go ahead...I'll wait.
♥ "Go Ahead" is permission, not a dare.
♥ If you need more shoes, then I need more tools.
♥ Peanut butter sandwich girlscout cookies are the finest
possible achievement in cookie technology....ever.
If you dispute this you are SO not on my list of people I would otherwise send Christmas cards to, if I weren't agnostic.
♥ Actually that's a fib because I'm too lazy to send Christmas
♥ There is not enough weed and vodka on the face of this earth to get me into bed with you and your poly-amorous husband,
so don't bother going there.
THE FOOLS! (shakes fist in air)
I was forced to turn to a life of good deeds and respect for the law.
♥ Living life to the fullest (I think I just threw up in my mouth a little when I typed that)
♥ I'd love to attend Burning Man but can't they find a better place to have it than way out in the desert? Something with less dust and bugs?
I often fall asleep at the movies but some of my favorites are the first 23 minutes of "China Town", the middle 45 minutes of "Glory" and the last 17 minutes of "The Godfather".
I rarely miss an opportunity to not watch TV.
It's not that I don't think I'm missing anything,
it's just that I have enough demands on my time as it is.
Besides, if I buy a TV, my computer will get very jealous
and you know how they can be.
I love most all music, except C&W for some reason I can't explain. Well maybe I can, but just won't.
My taste in music ranges from "You MUST listen to this!" to
"I know, please don't judge me".
I've been playing the guitar for ..ahem...a long time, and I do tend to gravitate towards The Blues.
The books I read tend to be non-fiction (go figure)
I love TCM, and just about anything funny.
What!.... is the airspeed of an unlaiden swallow?
I am a podcast junkie. NPR, comedy, history, science, almost a hundred in all.
Favorite quote: "I much prefer questions that cannot be answered to answers that cannot be questioned" - Carl Sagan
OK here goes..
Dogs, cats, guitars, sarcasm, humor, coffee, THE BLUES
♥ My flashy new and improved OkSupid profile (not)..
♥ Formal sex (the opposite of casual sex) ....there's that.
♥ What I say: "I don't believe in god".
What they hear: "I conduct a nightly ceremony where
I eat a baby, and have anal sex with the devil"
Which is of course utter nonsense.
(I only have to do that once a year or so).
Not buyin it hunh?
OK then, Let's just say it's a FACT that no one has ever seen the two of us in the same room at the same time.
OK....I'm on FB...there I said it,
just one or two things a day, usually funny (go figure)...I cant help it....
I'm so ashamed.
[hangs head in shame]
♥ You have the other half of the magic amulet.
♥ You are a time lord and/or are from the future and require my assistance to save the world.
♥ You have any cash or gifts you'd like to offer.
♥ You have a really good joke.
♥ You have small hooties, a big ass (or maybe a smart one), and a thing for bald, middle-aged technicians. ("middle-aged" as if I'm going to live to be 108!)
♥ You have information regarding any large inheritances awaiting me that I'm unaware of.
♥ You need someone to live rent-free in your beach house for a few years.
♥ You are compelled to communicate something to me, and are not prone to stretching the truth.
♥ you like The Moth
**SURGEON GENERALS WARNING:**
This product has not been evaluated by the FDA, and is in no way intended for the treatment of disease or boredom.
If your life sucks then you have no business trying to share it with others.
This product may be habit forming.
This product may not be used while gathering moss, and may be hilarious when combined with alcohol.
**THREATENING LAWYER SPEAK**
I hereby swear to whatevah,
that all the stuff in this profile (OK ALMOST all the stuff) was written and performed by me and me alone.
It belongs to me and if any of you out there try an steal any of it I will immediately fire off a STRONGLY worded memo to
THE MAN, and you will never work in this town again BUB!
Hell if you've made it this far........you're at least impressed with my writing! Guhead n tell me,
I know I'm not for everyone.