27 Oakland, United States
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My self-summary
Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You're reading my profile. Prepare to reply.

Your Myers-Briggs results mean nothing. Those are horoscopes for Atheists.

Midwest born, California reared. I lost the accent but I still open doors for people and say "Sir" and "Ma'am".

Strait, but not narrow.

The service industry: We sleep while you work, we work while you party, and we party while you sleep.

People pay me to be funny on stage but they don't pay me enough, so you should tip at least a dollar a drink, m'kay?

I once spent a week on a boat in Vietnam eating cobra and drinking Sangsom. Travel leaves you speechless and turns you into a storyteller all at once.

I slick my hair back and wear a leather jacket, but I pull it off.

I go to Burningman just to make fun of all the other people who go to Burningman.

I wear batman underwear, like, half the time.

Netflix keeps asking me if its me watching, or kids. I don't have kids. If I did I wouldn't be able to afford Netflix. Check to check? Meet my friend whose name is 12 extra dollars.

Making people laugh is my calling in life, and it makes me happy.

I answer questions on OKC when I'm bored, which is why I've answered so fucking many.

As a young boy I dreamed of being a baseball.

I'm not a boy, so I cannot be your boyfriend, but if you want me to I can be your Gucci Mane.

Also spicy peppers.
What I’m doing with my life
Stand up. Guitar, though less and less as the the former takes off. Spending forever at the bookstore. Writing. I'm sometimes published in SF. Supporting the arts, especially art made by my buddies. Heads up: I will say "buddies" constantly.

Pretentious Quote Time! Yay!

"As things stand now, I am going to be a writer. I'm not sure that I'm going to be a good one or even a self-supporting one, but until the dark thumb of fate presses me to the dust and says 'you are nothing', I will be a writer" Hunter S. Thompson
I’m really good at
Jokes, cooking, refilling ice trays, guitar, biking, choosing restaurants, reading wine lists, the internet, making lists, reaching things that shorter people can't, eating a whole thing of mints in one day, catching a grape that someone threw across the room in my mouth, throwing a grape across the room into someone's mouth, talking to strangers...

Traveling: France, Spain, Italy, England, Ireland, Wales, Japan, Australia, Thailand, Laos, Vietnam, Cambodia, Mexico, Canada.

I realize that everyone travels these days and that last bit was trite, but they can be good conversation starters. Let's talk about the pad-kee-mao ladies on Khao San road!
The first things people usually notice about me
Big dude is big.

Also I'm probably talking to myself
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Authors: Vonnegut, Klosterman, Palahniuk (sp?), Sedaris, Foster-Wallace, Handler, should I put comedians in here? They're writers too... no I'll give them a category of their own later, Fitzgerald, Hunter Thompson, Adverbs by Daniel Handler, Herman Hesse, Jonathan Safran Foer, I tend to like very odd not linear fiction but lately I've been reading mostly short stories and non-fiction like Malcolm Gladwell and such. Don't read The Psychopath Test unless you want to never trust anyone ever again. Also bathroom graffiti artists, etc.

Movies: The Big Lebowski and all Cohen Brothers, There Will Be Blood, Wes Anderson, aghhh I hate lists. I lied earlier. I'm bad at making lists.

Comedians: Louis CK, Dave Chapelle, Bill Burr, George Carlin, Maria Bamford, Hannibal Burress, Bill Hicks, Doug Stanhope, Sara Silverman, Richard Pryor, Morgan Murphy, David Cross, Jim Jefferies, Margaret Cho, Norm Macdonald, Kyle Kinane, John Mulaney, more...

Music: EVERYTHING. Here are some albums I think are perfect, in no order.

Miles Davis- Kind of Blue
Weezer- Blue Album
Fugees- The Score
Jimmy Cliff- The Harder They Come
Kendrick Lamar- Good Kid, Mad City
Fear- The Album
The Beatles- Abbey Road
Jay Z- Black Album
Neil Young- Harvest
Cat Stevens- Tea for the Tillerman
Daft Punk- Homework

That's just a random sampling.

Food: EVERYTHING. Food and drinks are my life. Things I haven't eaten yet... Also Banh Mi. And pork. Joel Salatin is a personal hero. I ate a cobra heart last year.

TV: Anthony Bourdain, Mad Men, Adventure Time, lots of dorky food shows, NBA basketball, Arrested Development, The Simpsons, 30 Rock, Workaholics, It's Always Sunny, Boardwalk Empire, Six Feet Under, I watched LOST for six years and I want to sue JJ Abrahams for wasting my late teens, Planet Earth, etc.
The six things I could never do without
My thumb, sunglasses, ice cubes in all the drinks, my other thumb, my bike, comedy.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Why people are searching for Waldo.

The coming zombie apocalypse.

What they're going to do to Waldo once they find him.

Women with tattoos on their thighs.

How to speak in iambic pentameter.

More tattoos I want.
On a typical Friday night I am
Working or performing. Which I guess is working. Ideally I'm at my favorite dive and I've just eaten a burrito and someone brought either dice or apples to apples.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
In third grade, I cheated on my history exam. In fourth grade, I stole my uncle Max’s toupee and I glued it on my face when I was Moses in my Hebrew School play. In fifth grade, I knocked my sister Edie down the stairs and I blamed it on the dog…When my mom sent me to the summer camp for fat kids and then they served lunch I went nuts and I pigged out and they kicked me out…But the worst thing I ever done — I mixed a pot of fake puke at home and then I went to this movie theater, hid the puke in my jacket, climbed up to the balcony and then, then, I made a noise like this: hua-hua-hua-huaaaaaaa — and then I dumped it over the side, all over the people in the audience. And then, this was horrible, all the people started getting sick and throwing up all over each other. I never felt so bad in my entire life.

It was me that let the dogs out. Everyone can stop asking.
You should message me if
You give the homeless money.

You understand and respect the idea of mental health.

You don't take life too seriously.

You would have a hard time deciding between a Judd Apatow movie or a Jim Jarmusch film.

You could walk around a lake with no destination, sharing cigarettes and stories.

You totally noticed that one was a movie and one was a film.

You could touch on the subjects "lucid dreams" and "who was the best Batman?" in the same conversation (it's Michael Keaton).

You know the difference between dice and brunoise.

You need a protector for the coming zombie apocalypse.

You like fun, food, and whiskey.

Super turn offs: Bad tippers, picky eaters, bigots, sauce on the siders, spice wimps, and superficiality.

Edit: Honestly, disregard everything else you read so far, (good on you if you are still reading). Here's the truth: I just want to watch the original Carl Sagan cosmos with someone who will be equally bewildered, humbled, scared, and excited by it. Let's build a blanket fort, make out in it, and talk about dark matter. I got them wicked blanket fort skills.

But more importantly, if you still will after this: