27Oakland, United States
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My self-summary
Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You're reading my profile. Prepare to reply.

Your Myers-Briggs results mean nothing. Those are horoscopes for Atheists.

Midwest born, California reared. I lost the accent but I still open doors for people and say "Sir" and "Ma'am".

The service industry: We sleep while you work, we work while you party, and we party while you sleep.

I wear batman underwear, like, half the time.

Making people laugh is my calling in life, and it makes me happy.
What I’m doing with my life
Tending at a dive bar and music venue. Performing standup comedy. Going on dates with people. Writing punk songs on an acoustic guitar.
I’m really good at
Jokes, cooking, refilling ice trays, guitar, biking, choosing restaurants, reading wine lists, the internet, making lists, reaching things that shorter people can't, eating a whole thing of mints in one day, catching a grape that someone threw across the room in my mouth, throwing a grape across the room into someone's mouth, talking to strangers...

Traveling: France, Spain, Italy, England, Ireland, Wales, Japan, Australia, Thailand, Laos, Vietnam, Cambodia, Mexico, Canada.

I realize that everyone travels these days and that last bit was trite, but they can be good conversation starters. Let's talk about the pad-kee-mao ladies on Khao San road!
The first things people usually notice about me
Big dude is big.

Also I'm probably talking to myself
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Authors: Vonnegut, Klosterman, Palahniuk (sp?), Sedaris, Foster-Wallace, Handler, should I put comedians in here? They're writers too... no I'll give them a category of their own later, Fitzgerald, Hunter Thompson, Adverbs by Daniel Handler, Herman Hesse, Jonathan Safran Foer, I tend to like very odd not linear fiction but lately I've been reading mostly short stories and non-fiction like Malcolm Gladwell and such. Don't read The Psychopath Test unless you want to never trust anyone ever again. Also bathroom graffiti artists, etc.

Movies: The Big Lebowski and all Cohen Brothers, There Will Be Blood, Wes Anderson, aghhh I hate lists. I lied earlier. I'm bad at making lists.

Comedians: Louis CK, Dave Chapelle, Bill Burr, George Carlin, Maria Bamford, Hannibal Burress, Bill Hicks, Doug Stanhope, Sara Silverman, Richard Pryor, Morgan Murphy, David Cross, Jim Jefferies, Margaret Cho, Norm Macdonald, Kyle Kinane, John Mulaney, more...

Music: EVERYTHING. Here are some albums I think are perfect, in no order.

Miles Davis- Kind of Blue
Weezer- Blue Album
Fugees- The Score
Jimmy Cliff- The Harder They Come
Kendrick Lamar- Good Kid, Mad City
Fear- The Album
The Beatles- Abbey Road
Jay Z- Black Album
Neil Young- Harvest
Cat Stevens- Tea for the Tillerman
Daft Punk- Homework
Run The Jewels 1 and 2

That's just a random sampling.

Food: EVERYTHING. Food and drinks are my life. Things I haven't eaten yet... Also Banh Mi. And pork. Joel Salatin is a personal hero. I ate a cobra heart once.
Six things I could never do without
My thumb, sunglasses, ice cubes in all the drinks, my other thumb, my bike, comedy.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Why people are searching for Waldo.

The coming zombie apocalypse.

What they're going to do to Waldo once they find him.

Women with tattoos on their thighs.

How to speak in iambic pentameter.

More tattoos I want.
On a typical Friday night I am
Working or performing. Which I guess is working. Ideally I'm at my favorite dive and I've just eaten a burrito and someone brought either dice or cards.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
In third grade, I cheated on my history exam. In fourth grade, I stole my uncle Max’s toupee and I glued it on my face when I was Moses in my Hebrew School play. In fifth grade, I knocked my sister Edie down the stairs and I blamed it on the dog…When my mom sent me to the summer camp for fat kids and then they served lunch I went nuts and I pigged out and they kicked me out…But the worst thing I ever done — I mixed a pot of fake puke at home and then I went to this movie theater, hid the puke in my jacket, climbed up to the balcony and then, then, I made a noise like this: hua-hua-hua-huaaaaaaa — and then I dumped it over the side, all over the people in the audience. And then, this was horrible, all the people started getting sick and throwing up all over each other. I never felt so bad in my entire life.

It was me that let the dogs out. Everyone can stop asking.
You should message me if
You want to get a drink and see if we can make each other laugh.
The two of us