If I had to write a newspaper personal, it would read something like this…”I’m a well-hung sexually talented stud looking for a married woman who wants to make her husband jealous in order to procure expensive gifts from him.”
1. I am single, never married, and have no children. So far, so good, but subject to change with a bit of old fashioned cunning and deceit. You figure it out. No, don't!
2. A Film Fan... I don't just mean, "I enjoy watching movies." I'm talking about plot, subplot, character, subtext, hero's journey, dialogue, cinematography, things like that. You know - the finer aspects of film. My favorite genres are vintage, amateur, up-skirt, downblouse, bareback, backseat, backdoor, backyard, back to school, back to sleep, bondage and MILF. DOH! Just kidding. Read on.
3. Recently returned from 7 long months in Cancun. It sucks. Nothing there but booze, beaches, sunshine, and sex. However, I developed an affinity for Spanish. If you speak it, I will give 3 points upgrade on your Hotness scale. You're a 6? Now you're a 9! Not a bad deal, if you ask me.
4. I am pretty mean in the kitchen. Seriously. That's where I usually beat people up.
5. I like everything HOT: hot dogs, hot tubs, hot peppers, Hot Wheels, walking on hot coals, hot chocolate, hot springs, anything hot off the grill or press, salsa, chilis, wasabi, the weather, whatevah.
6. Can I hold an intelligent conversation? Shit, let me tell ya...
7. Am I just trying to get into your pants? No. Actually, I'm trying to get you _out_ of them.
8. My only fault is that I have none. You, too, should be perfect in every way. Someone who can turn water into wine, heal the sick, and raise the dead would be ideal. After all, wine goes great with dinner, and who makes better company than the sick and the dead?
9. Will I still respect you in the morning? Phhhht... I don't respect you now.
10. There's a kernel of truth in everything I say (except when I'm lying).
11. I am comfortable in my own skin (but I usually wear clothes).
12. The last guy who sent you a message is a chump who secretly dresses in drag. I already know this. That's probably why you didn't respond.
13. I may be the last guy on earth who isn't a chump, or doesn't secretly dress in drag. That's why you should respond to me. And only me.
14. I won't go out with women who do drugs. Not unless they're really good drugs and you're willing to share. I'm kidding! Don't do drugs.
15. I can dance. Now I want to learn salsa and merengue.
16. Unlike these other idiots, I know how to use spell shecker.
17. Devoted, charming, chivalrous, loving and sweet. That's what I say.
18. But this is what you get:
19. I generally frown on texting while driving, but texting while in the throes of passion is definitely a deal breaker. Who the hell are you texting, anyway?!
20. (I've saved the best for last) I don't bullsh*t my way through life. I am like a half-retarded Indiana Jones, Will Hunting, Van Wilder and Denzel and Will rolled into one. I love adventure and travel and have done so somewhat extensively. However, I come from a modest, if not relatively rough, background, so I don't go for a lot of bourgeosie BS. Cultured and worldy? Sure. Learned? More or less. Pretentious? Not so much. I'm a bad boy who's been reformed and refined (in life, not prison). Among others, I went to Fugg U., but don't worry. I'll impress your friends at your little soiree.
But i'm pretty sure I've already mentioned that..Just saying
I don't have sex on the first date, but if we're not actually dating, then it might be OK. Just don't try to get me drunk and take advantage of me, because I don't go for that bullshit. I don't drink much, anyway. Maybe that explains the dry throat.
I'll probably skip on the garden variety coffee date. It burns the sores in my mouth. I don't know... maybe we'll have a few drinks or play table tennis, but don't expect to get lucky. Unless you are really lucky.
(If you are over 300 lbs., we'll go for grazing and a mooooo-vie)
Why does everyone want a "first date" to see if there's "chemistry" anyway? You want chemistry? We will drop a roll of Mentos into a 2 liter bottle of Diet Coke and see what happens. There, you got chemistry.
So there you are: 20 incredible, indelible, articulate, and compelling reasons to contact ME. So let's stop stalking and start talking! And relax. I'm joking with you (for the most part). There's a 'Message Now' button below. You know what to do.