First, I'm polyamorous. I have a boyfriend and a fiance. They get along great and they know I'm on OkCupid. Sometimes, I even show them some of the ridiculous and/or terrible messages I get.
Secondly, I'm using this profile to stalk some of the weirdos who message my friends and keep an eye out for incredibly awesome people I'd like to meet. So if you read ALL this and think something along the lines of "This lady sounds freakin awesome and I want to meet her whether or not we have any chemistry" then please feel free to message me. If you want to message me with the predetermined end goal of sex, please don't.
I'm interested in meeting people and having adventures. If something grows our of that, then awesome. But that extra 'something' is not what I'm actively looking for right now, and it's super awkward when I meet up with people who aren't on the same page.
Third and lastly, this profile is old. My pics are old. I have added three years and a dress size since I took them.
I get way more messages than I can respond to on here, so apologies if yours meets the criteria set out at the bottom of this profile and you don't get a reply.
I've lived in China, where I studied circus.
I lived in rural Australia (think Crocodile Dundee land).
I work as a paramedic.
I own a motorcycle, but don't ride it as much as I want to.
I'm coming to America for my first Burning Man.
I identify as a heteroflexible, cisgendered intersectional feminist. If you don't know what any of those words mean, google them. Or if you think that feminist = man hater or feminazi, ask yourself who might stand to benefit from that belief, then google straw feminism.
I like learning and doing things, I don't like loud noises and onion, and there seems to be a linear relationship between my age and how discerning I am about who I spend time with.
Hmm summarising myself is hard.
Recent spare time has also seen me at -
-The Global Atheist convention
-Events with themes (such as pirates, zombies, etc)
I waste far too much of my life on -
-Sleeping in (the occasional sleep in is awesome but this is ridiculous!)
What I intend to do more of with my life -
(Also known as the procrastination list)
-Learn another language, either French or Spanish
-Get fit again. Ballet and pole dancing have piqued my interest
-Spend time with friends
-Get involved in international disaster relief efforts
There's nowhere better to put this, so I'm going to put it in here.
Guys... I'm sure you're familiar with how different the online dating experience is for women. I am figuratively drowning in a sea of one word or obscene messages, occasionally punctuated by a message that's actually worth replying to.
So here's how I filter them.
First, I look at our match rating. If it's <80%, the answer is no.
If you've sent me a message and it contains less than two complete sentences or something inappropriate, the answer is also no and I'm annoyed you didn't read my profile.
If it's an obvious copy/paste, or may as well be with the amount of effort you've put into it, or I get the clear sense you haven't read my profile (really, I'm not into people who want to get to know me just because of my pics)... still no.
Then, I look at your username and picture. I'm looking for any early warning signs that we're incompatible or you're just playing the numbers to get laid (names like bigdick6969 or pussyplower, the "look at my abs" selfie are a big give away) - I'd rather not waste my time or yours.
From there, I look at your profile. If it's effectively empty and tells me nothing about you, or just has a bunch of movies and music you like, you're out. It doesn't have to be a saga, but why would I want to meet someone when the most interesting thing they can tell me about themselves is they like [insert band/TV show here].
If I've made it this far, I go to our mutually answered questions and see which ones we disagree on. If there's any dealbreakers in there, I'm out.
If I don't see any reason to rule you out, then I'd love to chat to you.
Please don't suggest we skip this step and go straight to meeting up. This step exists to screen you more both for my safety and an increased likelihood that we'll actually get along.
This all sounds like a lot, but if we're a good match and you send me a polite message asking me about something in my profile (like the code word pistachios) it's super easy.
If I say no, that is not an invitation to start negotiations. And for some reason, every other guy I speak to thinks that promising me [Insert description of Best Sex Of My Life tm here] is a Konami code for my legs.
Edit: Someone just thought it was funny to send me the Konami code. Don't be that guy.
Another edit: I just got a message asking of someone really has the username "pussyplower." As I read the message, I got a notification that a profile that when read aloud says "anal lover" was looking at my profile.
So what books do I like? Let's see...
Ben Goldacre's Bad Medicine and Bad Pharma changed my life.
Anything by Tolkien, David Eddings, Dan Millman
His Dark Materials series (The books The Golden Compass were based on).
I felt that Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance was a case of having to be 'on the bus' until the end (see Electric Cool Aid Acid Trip for reference).
Hitchikers Guide To The Galaxy was awesome, but the style of humour got really repetitive by the third book.
Pride and Prejudice, Catch 22, Scar Tissue, Nelson Mandellas autobiography.
If you've heard of/are a fan of The Journal Entries of Kennet Ry'Al Shardik, I'm keen to talk.
Also, I want to find copies of the original fairy tales, before they were made G rated.
BE WARNED! As a general rule, I don't watch television. And I don't care about things like actors and directors enough to remember their names. Often I don't even remember the movies name. So when you ask me 'Have you seen X movie with Y person directed by Z?' I will probably say no.
Movies I did enjoy enough to remember:
Don Juan Demarco, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Fight Club, Clockwork Orange, Shortbus, Avatar, Children of Men, True Blood series, Nip/Tuck series, Milk (I actually preferred the movie over the book), Requiem for a Dream, Aeon Flux (both the original cartoon and the movie), Matrix + Animatrix, Anything by Hayao Miyasaki/Studio Gibli, Lord Of War, Blow, Star Trek (anything from the Next Generation) and anything set in pre 1900's england.
More recently, House of Cards, Orange is the New Black and Game of Thrones.
As a general rule I don't attend a lot of live music gigs. This isn't because I don't like music, but because the live music scene embodies everything I hate. First, it's generally played at a volume that hurts my ears. It's also crowded and if I do find somewhere I can dance, it feels like just a matter of time before someone knocks my drink. If there's more than a few people, chances are I'm not going to be able to see much anyway. When I go out, I want to be social and I'm not very good at shouting over music. The older I get, the less I enjoy concerts.
Again, just because I like something does not mean I know what it's called/who it's by. Most of my music collection is stuff my friends thought I would enjoy and have given to me.
Things I love enough to remember the names of:
Portishead, Sigur Ros, Tool, A Perfect Circle, Foo Fighters, Electroholics, Barons of Tang, Mojo Juju and the Snake Oil Merchants, Lana Del Ray. I like a lot of the uplifting/minimal/smooth types of trance, as well as some really hard grungy psy.
What I don't like is most rap, pop, hip hop, R&B, country and western, happy hardcore, (really) heavy metal, but I do fall prey to the familiarity cycle when I hear them a lot.
Chocolate, Blue Cheese, Wine and good food. All these things improve with good company.
But I really hate onion.
New people to meet
New places to go
My contact juggling ball (Update - I hardly ever contact juggle anymore)
I *can* go without my piano, but I'd really rather not
Sex (yeah, I said it)
Nuanced understandings of identity, sex, gender, orientation and relationships.
Sex - Sex I've had, sex I want, sex I'm going to get.
Food - I go through various gardening phases when I have time. I'm also a sucker for good food, but by no means a connoisseur (yet).
Why people are better at describing what they like in the 'favourites' section than they are at describing themselves.
My next adventure - Canada and America in August.
Music - Mostly my piano. Sure, I'm not very good yet, but I want to be.
Books - Whatever I'm reading currently.
Why 9/10 of the messages I receive don't meet the >80% match and >2 sentence instructions I've put into my "You should message me if" Is it really that hard?
Exceptions I can think of in the last year include:
Reading a book
Watching TED talks
-You want to offer me a place to stay (note, this option is only available if you don't want to date me - let's not get attraction and couchsurfing confused)
-Your ideal date involves a great restaurant and discussing intersectional feminism, how to deal with the antivax movement, the refugee crisis or EMT/paramedic stuff.
-You want to show me an amazing restaurant or activity in your city
-You're having a party and you think it'd be my kind of crowd
-Your message contains more than 2 sentences
I generally look for people who are fun, intelligent, funny, have integrity, are open minded (this doesn't mean closed minded but left wing) and easy going.
You should *not* message me if:
-We have a match rating below 80% (Experience has taught me that OkC is pretty good at this)
-You think spelling and grammar are not important
-You assume that I'm going to want to sleep with you just because I met you on an internet dating site (I use this site as a way to meet people I will probably get along with. If we happen to be attracted to each other as well, then awesome!)
-You don't have basic independence skills like cooking and cleaning up after yourself
-You are homophobic or against gay marriage
-You are sending me a message that has a stupid pick up line, Iz Sp3lld Lyk D1s
-You are propositioning me for sex even though you haven't met me.