Okay, here goes nothing. Fair warning: I'm a writer, so this could get long...
I'm 6' 4" and currently enjoying food too much to diet, so I'm up to about 250. If I really put my mind to it, I can get down to 190 in a few months, but it's not fun. I’m single, own a car and a condo, have a cat, a dog and two roommates. Never been married, no kids. I definitely don't want any kids of my own, and a couple years ago I paid a kindly old Jewish gentleman a $30 copay to ensure that that never happens. I have never dated anyone with kids, but I'm not opposed to it. I don't hate kids. I'm just kinda selfish, I guess. Kids are expensive, and I want to spend my money on me (and hopefully a special ladyfriend* in the near future).
***Edit: I was told that the above could be interpreted that I am selfish when it comes to ALL kids, including those of a potential match. Just to clarify, my selfishness only applies to my personal decision to not have any kids of my own. As I said, I've never dated anyone with kids, but I certainly don't see myself being selfish in regard to your kids. I'd have to be a pretty big asshole to expect you to make some jackass you met on a free dating site a higher priority than your own flesh and blood.
I've only recently discovered in the past couple years that I actually really like being single. I don't want to be single forever, obviously, or I wouldn't be on this site. I hope to eventually meet an amazing woman that I'm very compatible with, get married, settle down, have pets and grow old together. But in the meantime, I'm perfectly content to live a carefree bachelor lifestyle, including but not limited to: drinking beer, smoking pot, playing poker, playing in a band and watching "dumb guy stuff" on TV (pro wrestling, zombie movies, football, guys in suits talking about football, etc.). I don't ever envision myself permanently ceasing any of those activities, but I could easily curtail some of them if that aforementioned amazing woman comes along. Then again, if you're that amazing woman, you probably already enjoy at least a couple of those things yourself.
I'm a nerd, or, at the very least, I like a lot of nerdy stuff. I collect comic books. I play fantasy football. I love video games. I subscribe to an actual, physical newspaper. I even read books on occasion.
I'm also an unrepentant music snob. If you're one of those people who thinks that music is subjective and can't be quantifiably judged as inherently good or bad, you probably have shitty taste in music and this just won't work out in the long run. We don't need to have the same taste in music. All I ask is that you are able to defend why you listen to what you listen to and explain in reasonable terms why my favorite music is inferior to yours.
I work in the food service industry. More specifically, I'm a server. I'm not some starry-eyed server who naively aspires to some infinitely more important and lucrative profession. I'm just a server. I really enjoy working in this industry. I've been in food service most of my adult life and I wouldn't feel bad at all if I did it until I retire. Even though I might be nerdy in some ways, I’m not shy or socially awkward. I genuinely enjoy interacting with dozens of different people every day and finding points of common interest. Even when I’m not working, I’ll routinely strike up spontaneous conversations with random strangers based solely on the college sports logo on their ballcap or the obscure sludge metal band on their t-shirt. I just don't think I could ever work a conventional 9-5 office job.
I tried teaching high school English a few years ago, but it only took me six weeks to figure out that I’m not nearly altruistic enough to devote the life-consuming hours necessary to make a positive impact in the lives of the small handful of teenagers who actually give a shit about learning stuff. I have a master’s degree in journalism, but I’m too stubborn and/or proud to take an entry-level job in a dying industry that would be a significant pay cut from waiting tables. I have a blog, and I still pick up the sporadic freelance assignment here and there, but I’ve all but given up on making a living wage as a full-time journalist.
Ultimately, If I'm ever going to make six figures a year or more, it'll likely be due to some as-yet-undiscovered talent I never knew I had. Or maybe I’ll just go on a hot streak in poker and never look back. Heh.
I live a pretty frugal lifestyle and I'm mostly a homebody. I'm not above the occasional romantic weekend trip to Sedona or Jerome, or even a fun and moderately expensive vacation every couple years, but if you're looking for someone to travel the world with, I'm definitely not the jet-setting type.
My default mode when I’m off work is admittedly full-on couch potato. I don't mind exercise, just as long as it doesn't feel like exercise. My biggest problem is that all the kinds of non-boring exercise I enjoy usually require someone else to participate, be it golf, tennis or indoor rock climbing. I think it’d even be fun to sign up for some beginner-level MMA classes or something. I’m just not into running, hiking, jogging, spinning or any other mind-numbing cardio for cardio’s sake. I do enough walking at work. If I’m going to exercise, it has to be at least a little fun. And no, I don’t even lift, bro.
Overall, I think the best attribute that I bring into a potential relationship is that I’m smart. Like really, really fucking smart. I’m way smarter than 99 percent of the random guys on this site and most, if not all, of the other guys you’ve dated to this point. I’m not trying to be cocky. I said I’d be 100 percent honest, and I’ve spent most of this summary talking about my potential drawbacks or negatives. So I won’t hesitate to say that my most appealing trait is that I’m an exceptionally bright guy. I will challenge you intellectually, philosophically, logically and emotionally. I will engage you in passionate discussions about politics, religion, culture, music, etc. We won’t agree on everything, because where’s the fun in that? But I will keep you honest when you say something ridiculous, and I hope you’ll do the same, because I do tend to say a lot of ridiculous shit.
Politically, I would describe myself as a left-leaning libertarian. I think victimless crimes should be legalized, be it drug use, prostitution, gambling or any other vice that doesn't directly harm anyone else. I'm pro choice and pro death penalty. Generally, I think that the government should mostly stay out of people’s personal lives (and their pockets) and stick to the basics, like roads, police, infrastructure, etc. I do, however, believe that a libertarian case can be made for universal health care.
I'm an agnostic. I was raised Lutheran but I eventually realized that the whole narrative of an all-knowing, all-loving and all-powerful God just doesn't jibe with the current state of the world. I'm not an atheist. I think being totally convinced that there is no God is just as ridiculous as being totally convinced that there is one. I'm just highly skeptical of any supernatural shit. If you are strongly religious or believe in astrology, ghosts, aliens, etc., we probably won't be a very good match.
My ideal mate is a woman who is intelligent, witty, financially independent and reasonably attractive. I'm hardly an Adonis myself, so I don't expect you to look like a Victoria’s Secret model (not that I'd complain if you did, mind you), but at least be height/weight proportional. I guess that’s the nice way of saying “no fat chicks.”
Oh yeah, and I smoke cigarettes too. I'm not proud of it. I'd like to quit someday. I've tried in the past and failed. I have done more drugs in my life than I care to admit, but the only one I've ever legitimately become addicted to is nicotine. It sucks. I get it. It's smelly and gross. But if you're the type of person who would automatically rule out someone who might otherwise be a good match solely based on a naive decision they made as a dumbass teenager, kindly move on to the next profile.
If you've made it this far without throwing up in your mouth or wanting to punch me in the face, send me a message and let's see what develops.
*bonus points if you get the “special ladyfriend” reference
Movies: Fletch, The Naked Gun, Pulp Fiction, The Godfather, The Godfather Part II, The Big Lebowski (and all other Coen bros.)
TV Shows: The Walking Dead, Breaking Bad, Mad Men, Boardwalk Empire, The Wire, The Sopranos, American Horror Story, WWE Monday Night Raw, college football
Music: Ween, Clutch, Band of Horses, Slayer, Anthrax, Hank Williams, Hank III, Atmosphere, Brother Ali, Jurassic 5, The Roots, NWA, Public Enemy, The Beatles, Black Sabbath, Led Zeppelin, CCR, Pink Floyd, Tool, Radiohead, lots of '80s thrash metal and too much more to mention...
Food: Philly cheesesteaks, Mexican, Italian, Chinese, circus peanuts, Runts (especially the banana ones)
fresh-brewed iced tea
...you'd rather go to Six Flags Magic Mountain than Disneyland.
...you understand the correct usage of to/too, your/you're, its/it's and there/their/they're.
...you enjoy yelling "Slayer!" at inappropriate moments.
...you tend to look at men as finished products rather than "projects."