As an overwhelming majority of you petty fuckers swiped left on my profile because you didn't like my pictures, I judge all I want.
-I was ghosted earlier this year. Don't claim that you're any different from other men, when you've proven yourself to be typical in the worst way possible. I'm far less offended by you asking me for sex than I'm offended by the mental gymnastics and broken promises.
-I don't want anything serious. Is it unrealistic that I just want to periodically spend the night out with you, have good conversations with you, and have sex with you (when I'm ready)? I need a friend and I want sex. A boyfriend is at the bottom of my list right now, a husband even lower, and breeding is THE lowest. I've spent the last several years of my life a fucking hausfrau and I'm bored! I'm sure there are lots of other women on here who are willing to fulfill your June Cleaver fantasy, go bother them.
-Despite the previous bullet point, I'm still practicing celibacy until I reach one of my weight loss goals: I'm fat, but I'm sure the Myspace angle experts and Anonymous super sleuths have already figured that out. Hurry up! Swipe faster!
Otherwise, I'm into BDSM and am looking for someone patient and understanding to introduce me to the lifestyle.
I still enjoy night life and would prefer if you did too. It's cool and all that most of you have partied enough to be bored with it, but I enjoy that sweet nighttime air...
I'm into guys with standards. It's nice to know when someone is talking to me because I earned their attention and they aren't just throwing shit at the wall to see what sticks. Unrealistic?
If you ARE going to message me, at least pretend you read my profile. I don't really feel like telling a stranger how my day went, much less 15 different strangers.
I'm more likely to respond to you if:
1. You don't send me a dozen consecutive messages or ask me where I've gone. I do have a job and currently no phone. I have better things to do than drop everything I'm doing to entertain you.
2. You have an actual profile filled out. Bonus points if we are a 75%+ match and have answered more than just sex questions.
3. You don't type like you have brain damage.
Finish this later.
I have a general idea what I want to do. I'd like to be a magazine columnist, but I think it'd be very fun to get into radio. My third option is to become a language translator.
Still destroying erections.
Or dating site answer? People don't. Shut the fuck up about my makeup, it doesn't count.
My favorite writer and inspiration is HP Lovecraft.
Movies: I'm obsessed with Evil Dead.
Hellraiser I&II, Bram Stoker's Dracula, Nightbreed, Candyman, The Crow, American History X, Evil Dead 2, Let the Right One In, The Craft, Wakewood, Lake Mungo, Lord of Illusions, Death Becomes Her, Superstar, Little Nicky.
Speaking of movies, I'd be happy if I never got to watch Talladega Nights or Dude Where's My Car? again, but I can't really bond with other people over movies so I don't care.
TV: King of the Hill,
My Name is Earl,
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia,
King of the Hill,
King of the Hill,
King of the Hill,
American Horror Story before it became too stupid this season,
King of the Hill.
Music: Lots and lots of "devil music" - black metal (among other subgenres of metal but black metal is my favorite), industrial/EBM, dark wave, goth, new wave. I had a list of some of my favorite artists, but I became annoyed with the "I never met any chicks into black metal!" line, or basically being told "I was totally going to ignore you but I saw that you liked some of the same bands I do!".
Food: Steak, blue-rare. Also, Jack Links. Meat and dairy are a staple in my diet.
I wish I were half as spellbinding in person as I am over the internet.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
You don't live on the other side of the planet and seriously want to go out on dates.
You have an attention span of two months or longer.