❖ Conversation with my former flatmate:
Jonathan: I've been here three years and not had a single date..
Me: Yeah, so?
Jonathan: Well you've been here a month and you're dating JESUS!
❖ I am a 31 year old Spanish graduate who is somewhat shy but saucy...
❖ Although I have a degree in Spanish, I should tell you that 'fluent' is not an accurate description of my linguistic capabilities...sure, I completed a degree in the subject but my university was shoddy and most of what I taught myself pre-enrolment I managed to forget throughout my final year...reassuring, no? And upon receiving my preliminary certificate it told me I would graduate with a French degree. Mind you, I did once manage a whole conversation in French about English breakfasting habits and potatoes with the man sat next to me at a Fête du Jambon braisé in Brittany. I should apply to the UN.
I'm a bit of a flirt yet (perhaps due to my penchant for staying in on Friday/Saturday nights) I’ve been single since 2007...frustrating in a whole variety of ways!
❖ I love dancing but my passion by no means indicates an aptitude for said activity & "clubbing" (i.e. exchanging sweat with 500 strangers in some cavernous venue bathed in alcohol and their various bodily fluids, to the tinnitus-inducing beat of trance/house/dub "music" and epileptic lighting effects) isn’t really my thing...not that I'm a hermit...I do occasionally venture outside and fraternise with the populace.
❖ I briefly took fencing lessons as a child (the type with swords, not dead trees) and have dreamed of buckling my swash so-to-speak ever since, though it's rather unlikely that any arguments will be settled with a thrust and parry combination. En guarde...
Bloody hell, that was a bit of a saga wasn't it? I'll shut up now...
❖ I am listless, restless, and jobless (lo and behold, I have been employed!)
❖ "When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse,
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone.
I cannot put my finger on it now.
The child is grown, the dream is gone.
I have become comfortably numb."
❖ I am a, secondary, and account
❖ After finishing my university degree I decided to take a brief hiatus (which quickly turned into a three year journey through the circles of hell...I'm just about done with number seven and will shortly be commencing my descent into number eight) before finding a job. At some point I would like to move back to Spain to live...or anywhere that will have me at this point really.
August 2013: By some miracle I have been gainfully employed by a classy international company, what folly!
❖ I am in the process of laboriously inching my way through the Spanish edition of The Pillars of the Earth, which has taught me that my Spanish degree has left me ill-equipped to decipher ecclesiastical terminology.
❖ Somewhat surprisingly for an atheist, I spend a considerable amount of time in religious buildings, quite often flat on my back and gathering a bemused crowd...I think they are hoping that I have experienced some kind of epiphany, which has in its magnificence rendered me horizontal. However, the truth is I'm purely fascinated by the architecture and quite likely to be seeking the best angle for a crafty photograph, so if you see me spread-eagled on the floor of your local church, kindly step aside, you're ruining my shot...
❖ Other than the aforementioned, I am currently occupying my spare time with abject indolence (and the internet)...though a life of leisure is beginning to wear very thin...I'm severely frustrated (in oh-so-many ways) and require a good - but would consider a bad - man to entertain me.
❖ I am also losing sensation in my right index finger as a result of julienning copious quantities of courgette on a regular basis. That is not a euphemism.
❖ My Spanish conversation teacher used to refer to me as "The Dictionary", so I guess I could hire myself out as a human lexicon.
❖ Imbibing copious amounts of alcohol whilst maintaining an impressive level of sobriety - 31 years of living and never been drunk yet as I seem to have inherited an unnaturally high tolerance for alcohol. Thanks, Grandma!
❖ It has been mentioned on several occasions that I give rather fabulous massages.
❖ I do a pretty mean impression of Chewbacca, which is perhaps unsurprising seeing as my mother's maiden name is Wookey. Seriously. I also do a none-too-shabby version of the clicking sound the Predator makes.
❖ My greatest triumph came as an eight year old when I won a Crunchie bar in a school wordsearch competition. Yes, I know...inspirational. With these skills I shall one day rule the world. Ahem.
❖ I seem to be working up a talent for staying up late, wasting my time on t'internet...when I should be in bed? Hang on, I am in bed; I'm just not making proper use of it. Infer from that what you will.
❖ My eyebrows...or so I've been told.
❖ I'm English (no I don't drink tea and I have never met a member of the royal family).
❖ My oft-commented upon, non-native Somerset accent, acquired through intermittent exposure to the southern factions of my family. Is a Somerset accent better or worse than a Nottingham one? You decide & provide feedback!
❖ Well most people seem to think I look younger than I am (no I don't want any of your blasted Tesco school vouchers!)...which is flattering but when you're 31 and get mistaken for a teenager (I got carded buying a lotto ticket...seriously, do I look under 16?) it somewhat limits certain lascivious endeavours :P
Honestly though, I don't have a clue...that's for the rest of you to decide.
❖ Movies: Amores Perros, Animal House, Cesky Sen, Dogma, Buffalo Soldiers, Cool Hand Luke, Das Experiment, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Full Metal Jacket, Goodbye Lenin, High Fidelity, Hot Shots, Ice Age, Mallrats, Notes on a Scandal, Papillon, Platoon, Apocalypse Now, Quills, A Streetcar Named Desire, Fight Club, Vanishing Point, Elsker dig for evigt, Requiem For A Dream, A Ma Soeur, Reykjavik 101...any of the Danish Dogme films...and basically anything in a language other than English...though in truth I'm not a cinema snob...I'll watch any old trash (I just might not buy it off of Amazon).
❖ Music: Guns 'n' Roses, Chambao, Free, Decoder Ring, Depeche Mode, The Doors, Heather Nova, Dvorak, Jeff Buckley, The Kinks, Lila Downs, Luca Dirisio, Luar Na Lubre, Nek, Mazzy Star, Amaral, Nick Cave, Pachelbel, Poliça, Portishead, Porcupine Tree, Rachel Yamagata, Roberta Flack, Rodrigo, Rosie Thomas, Saint-Saens, Santana, The Smashing Pumpkins, Fleet Foxes, Ryuichi Sakamoto, Jean-Michel Jarre, Metallica, Alice in Chains, Tangerine Dream, Cocteau Twins, Sneaker Pimps...
❖ TV: The Big Bang Theory, The Wire, University Challenge (though I loathe the pompous fool that is Jeremy Paxman), Have I Got News For You, Carnivale, QI, Family Guy, Open All Hours, The Fast Show, TRAPDOOR (Willie Rushton = Genius! Does anyone else remember this?).
❖ Food: Ensaimadas, Chocolate, Paella, Pa amb oli, Peaches...I can't abide raw tomatoes (cooked is fine, as is any tomato-based food)...weird. I drink like a 19th Century Englishman - my favourite tipples being port and gin and the occasional drop of absinthe. I love the smell of beer...well at least the fermenting yeast, but hate the taste of beer/lager...and as for champagne, you can keep your Moet and your Perignon...I'd rather drink vinegar.
❖ The sun; I am English after all and therefore possessing a severe vitamin D deficiency which can only be abated by the wearing of a swimsuit and bronzing myself on a beach in balmier climes. Remember to wear SPF kids.
❖ Wispas and Fry's Peppermint Creams; *drool*.
❖ The Internet; a tool of the devil which has in recent months consumed a good deal of my social life...and they say religion is the opiate of the masses.
❖ Books; I have thing for stationery too...you're likely to find me in Paperchase fondling the pages of notebooks to see if the paper "feels right"...kinky huh?
❖ Other humans; well, it's not good to drink alone is it?
❖ Intimacy; I can live without this (as evidenced by my long-term singledom), but after such abstention I'm harbouring a certain hankering. Conversely I couldn't live without solitude...people are great, however sometimes the only company I need is my own.
❖ Sex; probably because I'm not getting any.
❖ Emigrating; Spain or Russia and South America are top of the list. Otherwise, anywhere else that'll have me.
❖ Finding a job. Any offers?
❖ Why (despite being left-handed ) can't I use left-handed scissors?
❖ Why I am only able to whistle by sucking air inwards as opposed to blowing it out.
❖ When I say that I am a Spanish graduate people think that I am Spanish, if I were to say that I was an IT graduate would they assume that I was a computer?
❖ Why men offer me the use of their shoes in nightclubs...
❖ Alternatively I can be found ranting on about my current bête noir to long-suffering friends and relatives.
❖ I've never been in love.
❖ Also, I'm a bit of a pedant, and no that does not allude to an unhealthy interest in small children, just a slight preoccupation with all things grammatical. And though happening upon grammatical errors irks me I will not send belittling messages to the offender, I am English after all and incapable of confrontation, I simply resign myself to a spot of cathartic grumbling.
❖ The tip of my nose is exceptionally bendy...though as yet I have found no practical use for this.
❖ There is very little in this life which aggrieves me as much as losing at Yahtzee does; it fills me with a rage that I cannot put into words.
❖ Okay, okay I confess; I actually enjoy the films of Jean-Claude Van Damme...with the sole exception being Streetfighter; what a total piece of shite that was.
❖ You will take pity on a terminally single 31 year old and are willing to suffer my sarcastic and often lewd sense of humour.
❖ You have all your own teeth (though hair is not a necessity).
❖ If you can explain what the fuck Valhalla Rising was about.
❖ You have nothing better to do...which you obviously don't if you have managed to make it this far!