*Objects in photo may be more or less cynical than they appear to be*
Hi ladies! ARE YOU NEW TO THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF ONLINE DATING!? ARE HORNY GUYS SENDING YOU NONSTOP "NETFLIX N CHILL" MESSAGES? HAVE YOU LOST THAT OVERLY OPTIMISTIC ATTITUDE ALREADY? READY TO RAGE QUIT OR ABANDON SHIP?
THEN CAREFULLY READ THESE 10 "MANDATORY RULES OF SURVIVAL" (For Women.) YOU CAN HATE ME LATER. Yes, I want your hate. It amuses me.
(IF YOU ANSWERED NO TO ALL MY QUESTIONS, CONSIDER YOURSELF LUCKY!) Here we go!
1) Adjust your expectations! Be realistic. This site is basically just like some seedy bar! But ain't no music to pump you up. There's no dancing. Plus, YOUR friends can't save you from the crazies. And you still may end up drinking too much. You know what this means right? (Note: THIS IS NOT a rhetorical question! You have been warned. )
2) For those who didn't know. Penises. can't. see......words! So, if you look good pictureswise, it honestly doesn't matter what you write here. Hell, even Lorena Bobbit got married again!? *Hint Hint* Yes, we men are dumb about a few things. (Our penis gives us manly
However, I sincerely hope YOU'RE more than a pretty pair of eyes, nice teeth and/or sexy legs! *crosses fingers tightly*
3) I suggest you accept this FACT. This "Prince Charming" guy is likely dead. Pretty sure he was gay too. Maybe he's both. I thought you should know. Poor Chivalry's not quite dead. He's just permanently comatose. And also totes gay. Ouch!
4) I secretly notice those shy women who will view me a few times for whatever reason. But you never say anything.(I really need a cry face emoji here! Please HELP!)
Why? What the hell!? I'm shy too! (Sometimes.) C'mon. Yes. I bite! But I won't break skin or take your earlobes. Promise! (Unless YOU'RE into that kinda stuff. Tee hee!) Quick match/Like me if you must!
5) Are you unhappy with the quality of messages you receive? Kindly look at the profiles of other "Girls who like guys". Check 15-20 of them. If YOUR profile looks eerily similar to more than half, you'll eventually understand. (Maybe.)
Serious Suggestion: RANDOM STORIES ARE INFINITELY BETTER THAN RANDOM ADJECTIVES. OR ASK QUESTIONS! Yeah, I outright contradict my #2 here.
6) Please do not introduce yourself by name if it is already part of your SN. Redundant much? DO NOT USE YOUR FULL NAME AS A SCREEN NAME. REMEMBER GOOGLE IS THE ENEMY!
7) YOUR friend(s) always look(s) better than you. Move her/them to picture 4 or else! ALSO NO PICTURES WITH CHILDREN! JUST NO!
8) Never ever state in your profile "I'm only here because my friends made me do it". Seriously? YOUR "FRIENDS" actually "MADE you" do this? CLEARLY THEY ARE NOT GOOD FRIENDS!
CORRECTION: Ladies! There is no shame on the internet. Just saying! Your friends really ain't that bad. Right?
9) Why do 90% of the screen names here contain numbers or the words sexy, love or taco? Sexylovetac0? Points for originality!
Also, could almost everyone here be a robot?
10) Seeing mad crazy eyes up in this bitch! So the most important rule is Remember not the face! And definitely not the crotch! Thanks!
Bonus Point: Every profile that starts off with a statement telling me how bad YOUR exes treated you or any profile that says "I don't play games gives off some "angry/bitter-ish vibes". It actually translates into "I will torture the next guy for the shit the last guy(s) did to me". And/Or "I like drama so expect that I'll get bored and start shit for lols".
Get yo self together please. It'll save EVERYONE emotional torture.
IN CONCLUSION: CONGRATS ON MAKING IT TO THE END. IF YOU SURVIVED THIS, THEN YOU CAN SURVIVE THIS SITE! I WISH YOU GOOD LUCK FINDING A GOOD MAN(OR WOMAN) HERE! YOU'LL NEED IT
AND OBVIOUSLY A FEW STRONG SHOTS OF LIQUOR.
BUT YOU GOTTA SEND A MESSAGE IF YA WANT THOSE SHOTS! So no alcohol for you!! Ha Ha!
A) Maybe I hate doing nothing for long periods of time?
B) Maybe I'm just a bit masochistic and/or insane?
C) Maybe I like to feel needed sometimes?
D) I have to cuz I'm poor and cuz I can't survive in prison. (And drug dealers stand around all day. Meanwhile, I get to sit down and sneak in a nap. Yay naps!)
E) My coworkers are hilarious sometimes.
F) Or all of the above?
(The answer really depends on the day. Probably A or D.)
Attempting to hit all 22 Stephen Starr restaurants in Philly.
14/22 as of Jun 2014.
And foolishly attempting to write an interesting, engaging OKCupid profile and failing miserably...
*In a galaxy far far away....a single tear falls off some alien's face.*
Mostly, I make people laugh when they least expect it. So, I will probably make you spit out something liquid at least once.
I'm amazed at how I can listen to songs on repeat, then wonder why I have that damn song struck in my head.
(Putting things in parenthesis for some reason.)
Getting my fries evenly covered in ketchup.
Also " if the eyes are the window to the soul". then my face is like a giant neon sign that says "READ ME"!
Maybe I'm really S-M-R-T too? As long as I'm not hungry or tired.
I'm clearly a cynical and/or pessimistic prick sometimes duh.
Really, I'm an optimist DEEP DEEP DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP down.
And I tend to bite my nails when I'm nervous. So yeah.
Basically netflix owns my life.
Music: Are you listening to my link? If you are, yes I listen to music from random places regularly. Mainstream hip hop got stupid.
Food: Where? How much? Does it have cheese? And when does it expire?
1. Shiny things. CUZ SHINY! ADHD much? Yup.
2. Those truly random and beautiful moments where life creates an amazing opportunity out of nowhere for me.
3. A whip, holy water, a cross, an axe, a Bible. And a bag of Fritos. Bonus points if you get this reference to.....
4. My fingers & excellent hand eye coordination
5. A random thing that makes no sense whatsoever like bubblewrap or Fabreze.
6. And something boring like a mouth guard or an electric toothbrush.
Life and it's strange contradictions.
What/How/When/Where/Why/Who the hell!?
Why damn near every profile I see is either nearly blank or has something I have to google before I send a message.
a comedy skit I like (Viewer discretion is advised!)
I like this guy. (Viewer discretion is advised!)
a Chris Rock skit I like. (Viewer discretion is advised!)
Finally, Louis C.K. on dating in general
So, maybe, I'm fighting evil by the moonlight? Or helping little old ladies with bingo night?
or at FIGHT CLUB sharpening my skills!
Relaxing at some strip club, wondering are these her actual boobs in my mouth!? (Hopefully them boobs are real. Cuz motor boating is fun!)
Or someday maybe.....we could find a place and see real stars in the night sky?
No one I know ever gets carded in order to see an R rated movie. In 30 years I'll get over it.
So yeah what are the chances of you voluntarily getting naked while I cover you in something sweet? NOM NOM NOM!/strong>
Actually, I'll admit I should admit something. But have no clue what to say.
Yup. I wasted money on A list and boosts. I'm clearly too stupid to live. Ah well.
And I was not drinking when I wrote this profile! Ok, maybe a lil.
DEFINITELY message me if you like _______. Or you need an __________ to act as a __________. If I get to ________ sometimes, I'm down with that!
You are a(n) _______ and a(n)_______, ______ , ________, ______ person who likes _______, and _______, and _______.
And you're here for ___________. Because I'm clearly here for _________!
You can teach me how to _______ or ________ or __________________.
You would like to go __________________?
YOU ARE NOT A _______, OR ________ , OR A(N) ________. Because everyone hates ________________.
You understand that when I call you a _______ and a(n) _________ while you're ________________ , that these are terms of endearment.
Or message me if you can cosplay as Daenerys Targaryen SOMEDAY. I'm mildly infatuated with her. Damn, she's so incredibly beautiful.