30San Leandro, United States
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My self-summary
Oh, hi there. I didn't see you come in. Well, let me tell you a bit about myself. I am a 28 (no 29 actually) (30 now? Fuuuuuucccckk) year old HUMAN (if you are a lizardman in a woman suit I am not interested) male, who enjoys good conversation, long walks on the beach, and inciting peasant revolts in poor landlocked central Asian countries. I think that you will find that I am a pretty swell guy, and was in no way involved in the tragic and ACCIDENTAL death of actress Natalie Wood. My dogs are bearded dragons.
What I’m doing with my life
Much of my life is spent performing activites vital to the continuation of my existence. These include the following: eating, drinking, sleeping, oxygen intake, alcohol intake, maintaining income adequate for sufficiently warm forms of shelter, and maintaining sufficient income to support a crippling shrimp and white wine addiction. I maintain said income by writing "choose your own adventure" books for autistic cuttlefish.
I’m really good at
Bear wrestling, lumberjacking, unarmed combat, church arson, orca circumcisions
The first things people usually notice about me
Constant incoherent babbling and shrieking phrophecies of Armageddon in dead languages. Chaz Bono dick.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Bukz: Dune, Notes From the Underground, The Little Engine That Could erotic fanfiction
Talkies: Bunch of Criterion Collection hipster bullshit
Shows: WONDERSHOWZEN, The Heart She Holler, Metalocalypse, Stella, TAEASGJ!
Music: M3tuhl and other assorted kvlt brutality, The Topgun soundtrack on loop
Fud: Milksteak
Six things I could never do without
Horror films, my beautiful bee garden, my copy of The Brothers Karamozov by JonBenét Ramsey, defying lists.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Terry Bradshaw.
On a typical Friday night I am
Terry Bradshaw
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I live in the constant fear that mankind will through it's own folly annihilate this planet to nothing but ashes, with the sole remaining thing being a single copy of the movie "White Chicks".
Then aliens will come and find the ruins of our civilization, with only that movie to reference regarding the entirety of our achievements as a species.
I think about this every day, and it terrifies me.

Also, I really really hate that picture of you with all those stupid goddamn lampposts at LACMA. Actually, everyone hates that photo of you. They're just too nice to tell you.
You should message me if
You are a human female possessing three or more (though preferably no more than four) appendages. If you are a lady in the sheets but a freak in the streets. If you want to be that girl who gets dragged to a metal/punk/hardcore show by a guy, but clearly isn't that into it. If you love Cannibal Holocaust, but get really really sad when that poor turtle gets all smashed up. That was like, a real turtle, man.

If this video is as important to you as it is to me:

Do not message me if you are a double amputee. Or a filthy theist (worship of ancient and possibly malevolent Sumerian deities is fine). Or boring. For the love of Odin some of you are fucking boring. I know that I'm a man on Okcupid and therefore apparently supposed to be desperate for any small scrap of attention you throw my way, but holy fuck say something other than "Hi". If you do this thing I will consider you my 80's movie nemesis, and we will have to have a final duel scenario, preferably in an empty factory where no one seems to work and the only apparent thing being manufactured is a ludicrous amount of sparks.
The two of us