I pick you up in my 2002 Mazda Protege. ES edition.
As you enter my sensible, fuel-efficient vehicle, you're enveloped by the erotic perfume of pine air freshener and cool ranch Doritos. Perched in the cup holders are two wineglasses. On the armrest, a box of Franzia Reserve. We clink glasses, toasting the evening ahead: "Isn't this illegal?" you whisper sensually. "Only if driving under the influence of passion is against the law" I reply sexily. And with that, my 4-door compact sedan slowly accelerates us into the night.
I take you to a fine restaurant. And as we enter the grand lobby of the Cheesecake Factory we're warmly greeted by the maitre d, Tiffany. They know me here. By the time we get to our impossibly large booth, you're already enchanted by the restaurant's stucco elegance. I watch you struggle with the multi-volume menu. The epicurean possibilities have overwhelmed you. So I take control and order for us. All 237 items. An endless line of former art-history majors and improv enthusiasts forms a processional of Buffalo wings, sliders and Chicken Piccata, all destined for us. After sampling the Tex Mex Egg Rolls and French Toast Napoleon, you rest your fork, defeated. The luxurious presentation of food continues unabated.
Emerging from your food coma, you ask in a low husky voice, "Can you afford to pay for all of this?" Reaching across the faux-marble table, I take your hand in mine, gaze deeply into your sparkling eyes, and charmingly reply: "I forgot my wallet at home. I'm going to need to borrow some money from you. And by some, I mean a lot." You are speechless.
Initially, I fear that my words of seduction have rocked you into a catatonic state. But then I notice your eyes looking up and to the right. Towards the entrance. Your yearning desire to pay the bill is clear to me. As is your desire to make out with me in the parking lot of this casual, but upscale, chain restaurant. The sexual tension between us is so thick that we could cut it with one of the many steak knives that litter our table.
But instead of paying the bill, you excuse yourself to visit the restroom. You take your purse, jacket and all other personal possessions with you, saying you'll return shortly. 10 minutes pass. Then 20. I start to worry that you're not coming back. But then I remember something that puts my fears to rest. Of course you're coming back. We still need to order dessert.
Then, at 5:00:01, my alarm clock goes off....the sensible Delorean turns into a pair of slippers.
Weekends: keeping a steady stream of meaningful one off encounters, watching Smut Cave, going to rock shows, going home to chisel, listening to impassioned political speeches while I plot my tomato garden. Going home to Brooklyn, NY, from black ark to white plains, and seeing it 20 cop slayings ago ...before the plaid suspenders, crap artists and walking hypodermic billboards...or when Paul Bunyan rolled up and dropped a litter of these muling Hipster cabbages. Yeah, somewhere in there...
More about me - if John Cusack got back in the Hot Tub Time Machine, dried himself in the early Clinton administration, then changed into Michael Keaton ....he'd look like Fred Savage.
"A Month of Sundays" - Updike
"Dog of the South" - Portis
"Blood Meridian or the Evening Redness in the West" - McCarthy
"Slap Boxing with Jesus" - Lavalle
"Foreskin's Lament" - Auslander
"The Hour After Westerly" - Coates
Shows: Mr. Show with Bob and David, The Kids in the Hall, The Simpsons, The Mighty Boosh, Stewart Lee's Comedy Vehicle, Boardwalk Empire, Бригада, The Thick of It (for the blue language), MacGyver (for every single time he got away), Married with Children (for being the funniest sita-ashion comedy on TV - Seinfeld blows, thanks for asking) Bonus material: The Big Bang Theory is an embarrassment. Full stop.
Movies: Stranger than Paradise, 24 Hour Party People, Pontypool, Dazed and Confused, Kicking and Screaming, The Squid and the Whale, Office Space, The Dirties, Magnolia, Usual Suspects, The Thing ('82), Fargo, Election, The Unbelievable Truth, Henry Fool, Paths of Glory, Scensters, Days of Heaven, The Tour, Jackie Brown, Goodfellas, Bure Baruta, Pickup on South Street, GUN CRAZY ....there are more, but I should really get back to finishing Infinite Jest.
Some folks ride like the wind
With the whispering pines to guide them
And the burning light inside them
Keeps them warm in the snow
Others fear the sounds they hear
Make bandito's out of mole-hills
Fill their hearts with porcupine quills
They’re dead and buried long before they go
Food: If you know how to bake some delicious cookies, NomadicRevery will come to your house.
1. People who are religious and "very serious about it" (on OkCupid), who list God and their iPhone on their essentials list.
2. A Sense of Humor (peek above)
3. A Solid Friendship
4. Universal artistic endeavors
5. The kind of woman who can not only take a joke, but tell one as well (ah alas, the unattainable one)