I pick you up in my 2002 Mazda Protege. ES edition.
As you enter my sensible, fuel-efficient vehicle, you're enveloped by the erotic perfume of pine air freshener and cool ranch Doritos. Perched in the cup holders are two wineglasses. On the armrest, a box of Franzia Reserve. We clink glasses, toasting the evening ahead: "Isn't this illegal?" you whisper sensually. "Only if driving under the influence of passion is against the law" I reply sexily. And with that, my 4-door compact sedan slowly accelerates us into the night.
I take you to a fine restaurant. And as we enter the grand lobby of the Cheesecake Factory we're warmly greeted by the maitre d, Tiffany. They know me here. By the time we get to our impossibly large booth, you're already enchanted by the restaurant's stucco elegance. I watch you struggle with the multi-volume menu. The epicurean possibilities have overwhelmed you. So I take control and order for us. All 237 items. An endless line of former art-history majors and improv enthusiasts forms a processional of Buffalo wings, sliders and Chicken Piccata, all destined for us. After sampling the Tex Mex Egg Rolls and French Toast Napoleon, you rest your fork, defeated. The luxurious presentation of food continues unabated.
Emerging from your food coma, you ask in a low husky voice, "Can you afford to pay for all of this?" Reaching across the faux-marble table, I take your hand in mine, gaze deeply into your sparkling eyes, and charmingly reply: "I forgot my wallet at home. I'm going to need to borrow some money from you. And by some, I mean a lot." You are speechless.
Initially, I fear that my words of seduction have rocked you into a catatonic state. But then I notice your eyes looking up and to the right. Towards the entrance. Your yearning desire to pay the bill is clear to me. As is your desire to make out with me in the parking lot of this casual, but upscale, chain restaurant. The sexual tension between us is so thick that we could cut it with one of the many steak knives that litter our table.
But instead of paying the bill, you excuse yourself to visit the restroom. You take your purse, jacket and all other personal possessions with you, saying you'll return shortly. 10 minutes pass. Then 20. I start to worry that you're not coming back. But then I remember something that puts my fears to rest. Of course you're coming back. We still need to order dessert.
So what happens at 5:00:01? The cock crows 6 times....the briefcase turns into a pair of slippers.
Weekends: chasing idle thoughts, watching Smut Cave, playing wack a mole with the ego, going to concerts, leaving transformed, listening to impassioned political sermons, while I radically vacuum, going to BK on rainy nights and trying to remember when BK was still a wild animal retreat ....before something wicked this way came and clones with beards and culturally-approved body art swept in like the night side eclipse. >:(
A better question would be what people notice about me on OkCupid: Well, if John Cusack got in the Hot Tub Time Machine and wound up inside of Batman (or Birdman) Keaton, he'd look like that strapping young lad up there!
"A Month of Sundays" - Updike
"Dog of the South" - Portis
"Blood Meridian or the Evening Redness in the West" - McCarthy
"Slap Boxing with Jesus" - Lavalle
"Foreskin's Lament" - Auslander
"The Hour After Westerly" - Coates
Shows: Mr. Show with Bob and David, The Kids in the Hall, The Simpsons, The Mighty Boosh, Stewart Lee's Comedy Vehicle, Boardwalk Empire, Бригада, The Thick of It (for the blue language), MacGyver (for the theme song), Married with Children (for being the funniest sit-com of my youth, and no, Seinfeld doesn't come second) Bonus material: The Big Bang Theory is an embarrassment. Full stop.
Movies: Stranger than Paradise, 24 Hour Party People, Pontypool, Dazed and Confused, Kicking and Screaming, The Squid and the Whale, Office Space, The Dirties, Magnolia, Usual Suspects, The Thing ('82), Fargo, Election, The Unbelievable Truth, Henry Fool, Paths of Glory, Scensters, Days of Heaven, The Tour, Jackie Brown, Goodfellas, Bure Baruta, Pickup on South Street, GUN CRAZY ....there are more, but I should really get back to finishing Infinite Jest.
Music: Now you've asked a question! My taste is so varied, sometimes I wonder if taste isn't just something your tongue feels - we'll have to revisit!
But in the meantime, see if this floats your spirit.
Food: I'm not picky if it's prepared right. That said, if anyone knows what a Börek is, and knows how to kneed dough, we need to run out of the house and meet at the most romantic highway overpass as fireworks goes off in the distance.
1. People who are religious and "very serious about it", who list God and their iPhone on their essentials list. This must be the one vengeful "Market God", who will dip the economy into recession unless you and your yours buy more high end shit. Irony, ya'll - life's one true language.
2. A Sense of Humor (peek above)
3. A Solid Friendship
4. Universal artistic endeavors
5. The kind of woman who can not only take a joke, but tell one as well (alas, the unattainable one)