30 Odenton, United States
Join today
Find great matches with our advanced matching system!
Join today
Find great matches with our advanced matching system!
My self-summary
Strap in, because here we go...

I've got an awesome husband, (AnUpwardSpiral) and he's not going anywhere. I'm not looking for "a bit on the side", and I'm not looking for cheaters.

It's called ethical non-monogamy. Deal with it. Or don't. Who am I to tell you how to live your life? I'm just a stranger on the Internet.

I'm overweight. I'm not a ham planet or anything, but "slim" is not a word that can be used to describe me. I can definitely turn you into a booty-lover, though.

I'm also actually straight. I know that might come as a shock, since every poly lady is assumed to be at least a little bisexual. Unicorn hunters should look elsewhere.

Ultimately, I'm looking for something a bit more substantive than a hook up buddy. Whether it's 3 days or 3 years, I'm a feels junkie. If "playing it cool" is your standard protocol, then we're probably not going to have a good time. If someone being excited to spend time with you scares you, then I'm your worst nightmare.
What I’m doing with my life
I'm thinking about going into the popsicle stick joke business. I'm pretty great at it. I can't think of one off the top of my head, but rest-assured, you'll probably hear something popsicle-stick-y. Ooo, sticky.

More seriously, I've found myself in a job that has morphed into an actual career. Not sure how I feel about that, but the money's good.

Also, as someone raised (though, not born) in Maryland, I'm probably spending a non-negligible amount of my time putting Old Bay on things.

And as someone born in Texas (with a Texas native for a mother, and 4 years of college in Houston under my belt), I'm probably spending a non-negligible amount of time hunting down decent BBQ in the area.
I’m really good at
Sarcasm. If that's not your thing, then I'm sure you're *suuuuper* cool.

Puns and portmanteaus. And punmanteaus.

Expressing myself clearly and effectively.

*Starting* knitting projects.

The first things people usually notice about me
My height

Dat ass

I have what I affectionately call "Resting Eeyore Face". This is similar to "Resting Bitch Face", but instead of looking angry, I just look thoroughly unimpressed.

The septum piercing

Beefy arms
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Books: Anything by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., Neil Gaiman, Thomas Pynchon, Terry Pratchett or Jane Austen. A lot of postmodern works. Huge fantasy fan, and I really love the ASOIAF series by George R. R. Martin and the Mistborn Trilogy by Brandon Sanderson. I read a lot of non-fiction books about random people, places, events or concepts. I'm a bibliophile, and I have way too many books for my own good (if there is such a thing). I dig a lot of the classics.

Movies: A few of my favorite movies are: The Princess Bride, Center Stage, Hot Fuzz, Rear Window, Boondock Saints, Say Anything, Super Troopers and Labyrinth. Big fan of comic book based movies, too (no matter how terrible they are - I'm looking at you Fantastic Four!).

TV Shows: Game of Thrones, Doctor Who, Rick & Morty, Orphan Black, Last Week Tonight, The Daily Show, IT Crowd, Black Books, Psych, Downton Abbey, The West Wing, The Paradise, Call the Midwife, Scrubs, Monty Python's Flying Circus, Parks and Rec, Longmire, Battlestar Galactica, Firefly, Sherlock, Playing House, Broad City, Vikings, Community, The Office (American), Trailer Park Boys

Music: A brief sampling of a few of my favorite musicians are: Tool, Swallow the Sun, Sabaton, Eluveitie, Say Anything, STYX, Garth Brooks, Stevie Ray Vaughan, The Cranberries, Uz Jsme Doma, Jonathan Coulton, Trampled By Turtles, Marmozets, Motion City Soundtrack, Panic! At the Disco, Sevendust, TaySwift, Ke$ha, P!nk and Michael Buble. My favorite genres include: metal (death, doom, melodic death/doom, folk/viking, grindcore, power, goregrind, brutal death), progressive, hard rock, classic rock, jazz, country, bluegrass, newgrass, indie rock, techno, blues, avant-garde punk, rockabilly, psychobilly, classic punk, pop punk, ska, pop, grunge, classical, alternative, r&b, comedy, acapella, broadway musicals

Food: Animals and animal products.
The six things I could never do without
In no particular order:
Scotchy Scotch Scotch. Here it goes down, down into my belly,
Internet Memes (as a replacement for a real sense of humor),
My big toe(s),
Light Emitting Diodes,
and Parenthetical Statements
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Farticles. They're *everywhere*.

The Washington football team could end all of the controversy by simply changing their mascot to a potato.

What I should have said to that bully in 5th grade.

Whether or not I'll be able to find a trombonist for my future all-girl ska band.
On a typical Friday night I am
A space unicorn.

Practicing the choreography to this:

Staying in and watching something on Netflix/Hulu with my husband and his girlfriend. Or going out to karaoke or a local gig. I'm an ambivert, so staying in or going out are equally enjoyable options for me.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I'm the King of Croatia.

Beards cause me to make bad decisions.

Case in point: I let a juggalo touch my boobs in exchange for letting me touch his beard. Worth it - that thing was epic.

New: I have my nipples pierced.
You should message me if
At least one of these applies to you:

You enjoy jokes involving Jesus, your mom, your face, your mom's face, or bodily functions. Or Jesus performing bodily functions unto your mom's face.

You want to discuss a finer point of my profile, or you found a typo (how embarrassing).

You're poly or poly-friendly.

You understand what BDSM is, but don't require it or try to force a dynamic.

You have a nice face. I'm a sucker for a nice face.

You have a nice beard. I'm a sucker for a nice beard.

You're lit'rally Ron Swanson.

PS - I don't have A-list, so if you "like" me, feel free to shoot me a message.