WHAT MOST OF MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY THINK OF ME
That I'm just a typical heterosexual male who's simply not as aggressive and masculine and male-oriented as most men, and who presents himself more as neutral than as overtly male.
WHAT ONLY A FEW CLOSE FRIENDS KNOW ABOUT ME
That I'm a (mostly closeted) crossdresser who occasionally goes out dressed up and who enjoys associating with dominant women that like to encourage men to express this side of themselves.
WHAT MOST OTHER CROSSDRESSERS THINK OF ME
That I'm merely a dabbler who should be doing this more often and more openly instead of only going out once every couple of months.
WHAT TRANSGENDER PEOPLE MUST THINK OF ME
That I'm merely a dilettante for whom crossdressing is an exciting fetish but not a manifestation of fundamental full-on gender dysphoria.
WHAT GAY MEN (PROBABLY) THINK OF ME
That, based on my exhibiting traits and behaviors associated with common stereotypes, I'm most likely one of them.
WHAT MOST WOMEN PROBABLY THINK OF ME
That the gay men are most likely right. (But also that I'm a nice guy… which as we all know…) That I'd be the perfect candidate to be their "gay friend", except that I'm not… quite…
WHAT I LIKE TO THINK I AM
1. A not-that-unusual guy who's smart, kind, and funny, who isn't in any way what all the boys in school growing up said he was, who has a feminine side that's kept under wraps and isn't noticed by anyone, or
2. A shamanic androgyne with a crossflow of masculine-feminine leftbrain-rightbrain yin-yang energies enabling great insight and creativity but whose workaday fashion choices show no indication of any of this, or
3. Just someone with both a feminine and masculine side who's come to realize that presenting himself as male is just as much an effort to "pass" as dressing up like a woman would be.
WHAT I REALLY AM
Maybe once we get to know each other, you can tell me…
I took that personality test and it says I'm an ESPN. This apparently means I love to watch sports. Shows how inaccurate and unreliable these tests are - while I can be a fairweather fan and sit through the occasional playoff or championship game and while I can enjoy an awesome Wimbledon final on TV (note: if I channel surf and happen upon a Wimbledon final and decide to watch it, it WILL be awesome; this is my superpower, so check with me to see if a match is worth watching), I'm really not much of a sports fan. Pretending I am knowledgeable about sports (anal retentively recalling historical stats) is part of my effort to "pass" as male. (I don't think it works.)
If you want an accurate personality test, try the one Gary Larson (The Far Side) drew many years ago dividing up all of humanity into four basic types. (I'm #5.)
* Making my computers and gadgets do things for ME that make MY life easier (instead of the computers and gadgets making me do things that make THEIR lives easier)
* Spouting random bits of pop culture trivia on demand
* At the same time... being a good submissive. This doesn't mean I'm willing to be blindly obedient to outrageous demands, to be subjected to physical, verbal, or emotional abuse, to endure financial domination, or to compromise my integrity and safety. It does mean that I am capable of devoted servitude that includes general helping out around the house, errands, massages, and whatever else is required of me in that role. I've been told I'm less slave than handmaiden (though I'm not into the whole "sissy maid" thing). I am loyal to a fault and always try to please. And I come with references.
If our criteria for success here is finding someone who likes all the same things we do (and who will thus "get" us and be our soulmate), other than gazing in the mirror (or at our driver's license photos) we're not that likely to come across someone like that.
That said… here is the eclectic set of unusual eccentric diverse things I claim to like in an effort to attract like-minded people…
* The Beatles
* 70s glam rock and its descendants (David Bowie, Brian Eno)
* punk and post-punk (Siouxsie & the Banshees, Joy Division)
* Brian Wilson, Marvin Gaye, Stevie Wonder, Todd Rundgren
* Miles Davis, Charles Mingus, Herbie Hancock
* Garbage, Foo Fighters, Doves, Stellar Moss, Eminem, Radiohead
* Stravinsky, Debussy
* Bernard Herrmann, Thomas Newman, Randy Newman before he sold his soul to Disney
* British comedy: Monty Python, Douglas Adams, Eddie Izzard, Tim Minchin, Fry & Laurie, Fawlty Towers, Young Ones, The Rutles, AbFab
* Marx Brothers, George Carlin, David Cross, Firesign Theatre
* Dexter, House, Big Bang Theory, Simpsons, Futurama, Southpark, Daily Show, Colbert Report
* Classic TV: Twilight Zone, The Avengers (with Emma Peel, of course), Star Trek (TOS, of course)
* Ridley Scott (Alien, Blade Runner)
* Woody Allen (Annie Hall, Purple Rose of Cairo)
* Charlie Kaufman (Being John Malkovich, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind)
* Cerebral science fiction/fantasy: Philip K. Dick, Ursula LeGuin, Margaret Atwood, Stanislaw Lem
* my MacBook
* music (getting to listen to it or getting to play it)
* Netflix video streaming (or my collection of DVD boxed sets of all the movies and TV series I like that aren't necessarily on Netflix yet)
* a piano
* dark chocolate in almost any form
* coffee, preferably iced, or in ice cream form
And oh yes, even though I've already gone beyond 6 - the opportunity to have a retreat from day-to-day efforts to pose as an adult male and experience a softer side of me with someone who appreciates that.
* Why people don't get that compassion is a critical component of genuine enlightened self-interest, not something that stands in opposition to it.
* Why I am the way I am.
If you don't get the reference, well…
* That I've spent most of my adult life pretending to be male when in reality, I'm not. That though I convinced myself I'd successfully transcended the ostracism I experienced from boys while growing up and became a man for all intents and purposes, all I'd managed to do was to pretend to be a man when I've never really been one. The "trans" part of me hasn't been my dressing as a woman and taking on a feminine identity - it's been my effort to pass as male.
* That although I empathize with and wholeheartedly support the movement for LGBTQ rights and acceptance, I cannot identify with the word "queer", even though it may be applicable to my history and experience. I know that the word has been reclaimed to represent an escape from rigid sexual categorizations and an embracing of a wider array of choices in sexuality. But "queer" is the thing they called me (among other choice epithets like "faggot" and "sissy") when I was growing up and didn't fit into what they considered the norm. So no, I can't embrace that word myself, even though it's a word may be the most accurate descriptor for what I am.
* That deep down I'm very shallow.
I'm not averse to something more than friendship happening, but understand that I'm really not your typical male in the way I relate to women - and hopefully that's something that appeals to you.
I label myself "Bisexual" and originally I said "Bi girls only" - only because there is no "genderqueer" or "genderfluid" or "unsure" label, and only because there is no "Girls who like genderqueer or genderfluid or unsure guys" category. I welcome women of any sexual orientation who would enjoy the company of someone like me. As much as anything else, I am looking for people I can be friends with, as I re-enter this world and seek to broaden my social circle.