In other words, hi. I am new. Not the same face & profiles that you scroll through to the point where you actually feel as if you know Tammy69xx and her cat named Miley Cyrus. You wonder deeply why Tammy would include 69 in her dating profile name, since she wants to find "true love". And why she would automatically kiss you all twice, when I won't even kiss you on the second date & that's in real life. Your heart isn't just some wedge of grapefruit you can give out to anyone who wants a slice. You scroll, slowly wondering how it is you are single when you're such a catch compared to these losers, then you realize...wow...maybe I am Tammy and I don't know it! Then you hit the SUBMIT button which completes your profile set-up.
That was a really long way of saying that Most of us are only on here because of curiousness, loneliness, boredom...I am probably an embodiment of them all, honestly. I like having a go-to friend to run around with...more than a boyfriend, a partner in crime. A best friend. Most couples forget they are also friends and start speaking to each other rudely or otherwise disrespecting the gift. If you're friends first, you never have to break up the next day. I don't want a boyfriend. i want an "other". The good news is, I am real & not some smackbag trawling the site with back-hair and a crusty sock next to my mousepad storing women's photos in his Spank Bank. The bad news is, I think I may be Tammy but without the 69 part because that's just vulgar and I went to a good school & am wearing closed-toed shoes, even.
I have been a novelist (5 novels), writer, editor, copywriter and I correct the grammar of news anchors who obviously did not care to memorize their AP Stylebooks. I loathe the word "amazing" and the people who use it to describe an expected result or something pretty.
I tend to talk too much when i am shy & have a terrible time making eye contact, although i am not shy. I don't know why that is, but i talk far too much staring at your ear when i first meet you.
Now I work in a very cool industry. Artsy, snotty, sophisticated line of work, so I go from high heels to combat boots. Keep a pair of both tossed in the back of my truck. Am strung out on learning things. IF I won the lottery, I would just go back to school forever! A ten-page paper on Rachmaninoff Yes, please! A 20-page paper on Nabokov's Lolita? Frothing...at the mouth.......
I am also very good at gardening. The man who chops his own wood is warmed twice by it. You bought that avocado; make it work for you twice. Plant it and grow dozens...it is so rewarding to pick your own vegetables & free, if you dry out your seeds for a few days.
I don't get manicures because I spend too much time using my hands for real things, so having fingernails is ridiculous. Plus, if I don't know somebody, I don't want them touching me, so no massages, pedicures, etc. I find it weird to be holding Anuki's hand at the Toyko Spa. We aren't going to Prom.
Other than that, My gigantic A-cup breasts, of course. Hey, my eyes are up here, Hoss. I always thought it would be hilarious to get a t-shirt that reads "THEY'RE REAL". I didn't like the idea of getting Tupperware bowls installed in perfectly good tits, so I didn't. I place 99% of my self-esteem in my intelligence, not breasts. I find it silly, but I get it when other girls do. They just want to look their best. I get blonde highlights, it's a matter of same dance, different shoes. I am not knocking anybody's knockers, it just seemed a frivolity. If I were to spend money on myself, it would be entering a Ph.D program, not silicone.
I have never been inside a Victoria's Secret.
Books? Anything. AMA Medical journals, Ayn Rand to Larry McMurtrey, backs of cereal boxes, the newspaper I am reading over your shoulder...i prefer real books. If I were a student, well, a Kindle would probably help me with my scholasticate; therefore, I would have one. But part of a book's allure is the smell of the pages, the dog-earing & highlighting of passages, everything about it is romantic. i could go blind & still identify my precious books simply by the smelling their spines.
Food? I usually eat once a day at night. Unless you are out plowing a field with a donkey, you don't need 3 squares. I don't care what Men's Fitness told you. I don't have much of a sweet tooth, but I love a good Caesar salad, guacamole, soups, or anything green. I don't do empty calories, often. A Hershey bar is empty calories...I will take the granola bar & go for a jog, instead.
Just kidding, I think about wetting the bed & hurting small animals. just kidding, again, folks. I think about work when I am at work and I think about re-working Chopin's Fantasie Impromptu left hand chords & arpeggios, when I need to relax my mind. I play the piano & am currently going back through that piece. Chopin's Revolutionary Etùde is a favorite to play, as well. He wrote it when the Russians were invading Poland...
I am also saving money for my tri-headed life-sized full back tattoo of Judge Judy screaming.
Yes, that fetching shoulder upon which you gaze will soon transmogrify into a cobra wearing a lace collar. Will you still love all four of us?
That is why I never did acid or anything hardcore. I am not the one you leave alone with your weed, perhaps, but I can't imagine losing everything I have read, poems I have memorized, Beethoven sonatas I can play, the novels I have written, all liquifying.
Remember Syd Barrett from Pink Floyd? He did so much acid he had to quit the band & move back in with his parents because he "thought he was a glass of orange juice." Ummm, yeah...try telling that to your dad. "Thanks for the 80k education. My name is Tropicana. I will be squeezing myself back in my room."
I only got on this thing because I don't go out. When you don't go out, you don't meet anybody except those who like to go out. So then you're already setting yourself up for failure because they'll want to go out all the time and you don't. See? We already broke up.
I am the only creature ever born who has hedge-clippers in the back of her car, along with a copy of Franz Liszt's .transcendental Etudes, which i can actually play.
I am vanilla with maybe three sprinkles, so if you want to get beaten with a ball gag, then I am not your girl. I was once chased with a vibrator at a bachelorette party & am still suffering from PTSD effects. I am a simple country girl...let's keep me that way.
I just want someone who is busy like I am, however not too busy where I only see you twice a month. I care more about companionship than serious dating...I just want to enjoy someone's company who is smart and engaging.
I like unusual things--instead of dinner and a movie, I would rather get a smoothie and go swinging at the park. Creative things that you'll actually have fun doing. Exploring a bookstore, taking a day-trip to the zoo, crashing an apartment-complex swimming pool without getting caught, a redneck picnic with motorcycles, picking a bunch of weird fruit from the grocery store and seeing if it's gross or good (who buys those tiny bananas and little bizarre mangoes?)...going to Goodwill and buying sturdy old furniture or suitcases and painting them... or something equally galvanizing and/or ridiculous.
I promise not to murder you, if you promise not to murder me.