I know that my mother laced my milk with the venom of the black mamba. They also said that I tussled with alligators and fought bears with my bare hands when I was 3years old. I don't know if these stories are true. They could be true though, since i haven't seen any bears nor alligators in the Belgian woods or rivers lately.
I look spectacular. That goes without saying. The only thing more incredible than my looks, must be my natural odor, which is a combination of the smell of puppies, the kitchen on christmas eve and cherrywood.
Because I am so ridiculously good looking, there are a lot of myths going on about me. Some myths I will now debunk;
Myth 1: I named my penis Georgio Papadopulos. False! I do not have a name for my penis other than Mr. Hammerstone. He's a real epicurean all the way!
Myth 2: I was bestowed to the earth by the gods. Hmm, this one is hard to dispel. It would take a god like Apollo or Jupiter, or, worst case scenario, Wodan to make such a gift. And I have called on these gods more than once and they never told me specifically that I was put on earth by them. So I have to go with no, the myth is false.
Myth 3: My birth was the main cause of the demolition of the Berlin Wall. That story is actually true. But I would hardly call that a myth.
Myth 4: Each strand of my hair carries the DNA to not only clone a person that makes George Clooney look like a garbage bag of an abattoir on a sunny day, it also carries the DNA to cure AIDS. This rumor is false! The universities of Brussels, Harvard and Oxford who studied my hair strands for a long time have detected the DNA for the cure of multiple deadly diseases. AIDS wasn't one of them.
Myth 5: My hair is insured by ING insurances for 3000€.
False! it's KBC Bank & Insurances and it's 4500€, thank you very much.
Myth 6: My smile was the official stand-in for Brad Pitt's smile in the movie Meet Joe Black. Wrong! My smile was definitely up for the part, but James Franco's smile got the gig eventually and he did an awesome job.
Glad I've been able to debunk these myths.
In my present life I wade across the rooftops of Brussels, dressed in long tights and a latex mask to prevent and solve crimes.
that's 130% true!
being a nice person.
Also in being a man.
As far back as I can remember, my dad has been teaching me lessons about decency and manhood.
which includes, but not limited to, knowing how to pee standing up. One of the first things I can recall is him standing next to me to pee, showing me how to hit the porcelain bowl above the water, so you don’t make a lot of noise to upset the ladies, but below the rim, so you don’t splatter outside of the targeted area. You know these hand-painted signs in the bathroom: IF YOU SPRINKLE WHEN YOU TINKLE, BE SWEET AND WIPE THE SEAT? As a child, I always felt bad for anyone who would be so crude as to need that advice. They clearly didn’t have as kick-ass of a dad as me.
Hit me with Bukowski. I love me some Bukowski.
Fear and loathing Las Vegas. (Hunter S. Thompson)
Love in the time of cholera. (Gabriel Garcia Marquez)
1984 (George Orwell)
The curious incident of the dog in the night-time (Mark Haddon)
The hitchhikers guide to the Galaxy (Douglas Adams)
Animal Farm (George Orwell)
the unbearable lightness of being. (Milan Kundera)
Through The Looking Glass (and what Alice found there) - Lewis Carrol
The God Delusion (Richard Dawkins)
De vrolijke Atheïst - Jean Paul Van Bendegem
Tiny Rookt Crack (Gilbert Delahaye)
The Shawshank Redemption
Lock, Stock & two smoking barrels
Lucky number Slevin (I fell in love with Lucy Liu)
500 days of summer
V for Vendetta
Le Fabuleux Destin d'Amélie Poulin
Little miss sunshine
Let's make this easier: If it's a Christopher Nolan movie: I'm most likely a fan. Same goes for Tarantino, Scorsese, Guy Ritchie, David Fincher, Kubrick, and not all, but a lot of the Coppola-movies (both Francis Ford and Sofia)
Ow, and the speech from "the great dictator" from Charlie Chaplin. That actually got me.
The Wire (!!!)
The Office (UK version)
Coupling (UK version)
EastBound & Down (Kenny Fucking Powers ftw!)
Game Of Thrones
Craig Ferguson, Jim Jefferies, Ricky Gervais
Editors, Arctic Monkeys, Band Of Horses, Kapitan Korsakov, Raketkanon, Brutus, The XX, Daughter, Kings of convenience, Tom Waits, Bart Peeters, The Radios, MGMT, New Empire, The Black Lips, The Knife, Local Natives, The Thermals, The Shins, Perfume Genius, The National, Andrew Bird, Great Lake Swimmers, Grizzly Bear, King Charles, Givers, Ariana Delawari, Fleet Foxes, Iron & Wine, Alexander, Edward Sharpe & the magnetic zeros, Elliott Smith, Eels, The Smiths, Nick Cave, Stan Lee Cole, Prince, The Libertines, The Babyshambles, Pink Floyd, Bon Iver, The Beatles (d'uh!), RHCP
Nirvana, The Smashing Pumpkins, The Velvet Underground
Regina Spektor, The Staves, Elvis Costello, The tallest man on Earth, Keaton Henson, Benjamin Francis Leftwich, The Jungle Giants, Beethoven, Beethoven, Beethoven, Prokofiev, Gorecki, Satie, ...
Ow, and let's not forget soul: Wendy Rene, Ruby Johnson, Carla Thomas, The Mad Lads, Jeanne & The Darlings,...
Water --> (haha, again, witty!)
Food --> (seriously, I should stop being so witty!)
Music --> (What do you mean, cliché?)
Sex --> (Look what a daredevil I am, putting the word sex on my profile!)
Was the guy who proofread Adolf Hitler's speeches, really a grammar nazi?
And, if you think about it, we're all 50% centaur and/or mermaids.
And the voice in my head, did it mature with me? Or did that voice always sounded like this?
I also want to leave a word of advice to all you cool kids out there: Stay away from tequila. There are many great things about Mexico. If it wasn't such a waste of time I could write a whole book about Mexico. Piñatas, tacos, mustaches, to name a few. Tequila just isn't one of them. The truth is that, and no bartender will ever admit this, might even deny it, but you will get drugged. It's a big conspiracy. I mean, I can hold my liquor like a pro, but somehow, when tequila is involved, the night ends in a colorful circus blur of piñatas and toothless laughter. It happens every time. Some sneaky bartender puts something in my drink and bye-bye Mario. Lights go out. For how long you ask? Sometimes weeks. Once I ended up in Norway and when I came back to my senses, I was already the mayor of a small fishing village near Stavanger for over a month. I wasn't even Mario anymore. They named me "Balder The Great". During my time as a mayor I did all kinds of great stuff for the city. I established new literacy programs and public work projects that gave the village a real sense of pride. I worked like the devil. And not just for the well-heeled citizens -of which there where none in this town- but for the common man in the street. I think I could've easily won a second term. And the Balder The Great Library is still the greatest library in whole of Norway.
But kids, tequila...stay away from it. The first shots are real tequila, your last shot is turpentine mixed with liquid rat poison. Your light will go out and you might end up in Norway, Mexico, Canada or, more often than not, a Paraguayan jail.
Or if you want tips and tricks on how to survive a prison riot in a Paraguayan prison.
You shouldn't message me, under no circumstances, if you are homophobic or a racist. We won't get along and frankly, I don't want to have anything to do with you. No matter how sexy and cool you think you might be.
Also never message me when your sense of humor is below zero.