34Seattle, United States
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My self-summary
UPDATE: my inbox is MOSTLY full, but I'm working on it. This is definitely a metaphor for my life right now. Find me on Twitter? (themaili) Maybe we can wind up in the same places that way-- just don't be creepy about it. (like, talk to me first? That's a pretty safe bet. Or go cause you think an event is rad and bring your friends, and just say hi if you see me.)

I can't in good conscience prioritize one-on-one time w/ new people until my career is a little more stable-- still bouncing back form a 6mo housing crisis early this year. The next time I start a relationship, I want to have space in my life to put roots into it if it goes that way, and the space I have is a little too chaotic right now. Young Victorian lads got their future established before they came a-courtin' for a serious partner, and I see no reason to do it differently. ...But I'd love to "take your applications to keep on file." I mean, meet up and hang out in the scraps in between. I don't like missing opportunities. :)


I’m the quirky go-getter main character in the most drawn out underdog sitcom/ feel-good indi flick of all time, and I’m just getting to the part where I’m (finally) starting to become a big deal. ...This would be a really great time for the main romantic plot to start, you guys, if all the good stuff is going happen at once.

By trade, I’m a working musician, performer, and community organizer. I’ve spent the last 7 years slowly building a cult following for my music and Poly Activist work. I’m lucky-- that work has left me blessed with a great community and chosen family I’m proud to be surrounded by, even if leadership makes dating complicated.

Polyamory disclaimers: I’m a fairly active poly person, tho usually slow to start new things. Good terms to describe how I like to handle my love life: ‘relationship anarchist’ or ‘open multiple primary capable:’ Each involvement is treated individually, taking nothing for granted. I’m mostly single right now: I only have 2-3 super low key things (less than 6 dates/month with all of them), who I am warm and fuzzy about and value immensely for who and what those are... but they leave most of my romantic/emotional availability open. I’m not shy about dating the ‘right’ new-to-poly people! (I'm an activist, so I'm used to answering questions-- you're in good hands. Also, Campfire Rule.) If you are staunchly into “There Can Be Only One Primary” polyamory, tho, single or not, it probs isn’t gonna work out beyond occasional funtimes.

I’m always busy: In a typical week, I teach 10 private lessons from my home studio, send email for 12+h, publish several articles on ModernPoly.com’s ezine, spend several hours practicing/rehearsing, ride bikes for fun, go out dancing, do Shabbos, do organizing work for some future event, garden (in spring and summer), hit networking parties, perform, hit meetings, get caught in random late-night philosophical debates, execute harmless debauchery, attempt cultivate beer & wine snobbery, and spend QT with my friends. (They’re an amazing, fascinating, loving bunch I could tell stories for hours about.)

Some weeks I sleep more than others. It’s not an easy career path I’ve picked. But I've built such a rich and complex life for myself, I would never want it otherwise. I already have endless amounts of amazing stories for my theoretical grandkids. I love the control and flexibility of being self-employed so much, and doing work that is immensely valuable not just to me personally, but also my fans and clients. I never want to go back. I both love and sometimes rue that the people around me become players in these crazy vignettes. I work hard, push myself, play as needed and celebrate my successes. I live life fully, passionately, ethically, honestly, and openly as much as I can. And I’m always on the lookout for who's coming on my next adventure.
What I’m doing with my life
My work as a Poly Activist these days is mostly for ModernPoly: I’m on the board, I edit the ezine, write promo copy, help with other miscellaneous duties, and occasionally spearhead initiatives. I once organized the More! Party, and I’m still on the (national) Poly Leadership Network. I spend a fair amount of time organizing locally, mostly shows or events at my co-op, and the occasional poly or Jewish event. I’m dabbling at working with the musician’s union on the Fair Trade Music initiative.

My music work is broad; I'm a multi-instrumentalist and vocalist (singer) with a degree in music composition from FSU, and I play about 12 instruments, 6 well enough to teach and play in a semi-pro/ pro application (voice, violin, viola, bass, guitar, keys). I write short film scores, theatre scores, neo-tonalist concert music, singer-songwriter and full band material in all styles, and perform in a lot of random acts. I also moonlight as an actor and model, and super occasionally, dancer/choreographer, MUA, and costuming. I’ve been rumoured to do burlesque from time to time. Right now, I’m trying to put together my first tour and reboot 3 ensembles between teaching and one-off gigs. It’s an exciting (and intense) time.

And while it’s not my job, living in an intentional community does take up a certain amount of my time and headspace. I’m what I like to call a “co-op lifer.” Though I’m occasionally frustrated by household miscommunications that happen in intentional communities, I love it fiercely. The feeling of catching each other when it’s really important, hosting great events that bring the community together, learning from each other, and working to live better and more sustainably, and become better people. I love sharing food and responsibilities with a group-- I work best in group settings where I feel like I'm warmly a part of something bigger. I’ve been in co-op life for 6 years now, and my current house is a behemoth called Acropolis on Capitol Hill. In my history, we’re known for some legendary dance parties, with a heavy contingent of blues dancing, that span out to lots of communities-- bike kids, co-op kids, dancers, musicians, Jews, queers, geeks, polys, artists, and more. I like being in the center of an outward facing social hub and meeting so many amazing people and helping give them interesting and thought provoking experiences.

The underpinnings of all my work is largely based on explaining the value of human connection in individuals in groups, and creating a social revolution around some close to home gender and sexual politics-- perception of beauty in society, socially decriminalizing "bisexuality," balance of masculine and feminine aspects, people who don't know how to love "right." (I debates about what "right" is; there is no one answer, and a lot of grey areas. But I've settled on my own guiding principles, which I keep coming back to in my activism and relationship advising. I especially love it when my music sparks these debates.)

I sleep in twice a week. I fucking love sleeping.
I’m really good at
Communicating. Writing music. Balancing a lot of people's needs at once. Witty comebacks... sometimes. Hugs. Performing. Cooking for 30-50. Dancing. (Blues dancing especially.) Throwing bitchin parties. Getting myself out of trouble. Kissing. Making people giggle. Getting people to open up. Motivating people around me. Workin shit out. Collecting interesting people. Accidentally biting off more than I can chew.
The first things people usually notice about me
My smile, booming laugh, & the way I interact with a crowd. When I'm trying, my noticeable fashion statements. (I clean up well.)
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
It's not the genre or the style. Its the intensity and honesty of experience. This applies to all of it. If you make fucking meatloaf and it's the best goddamn meatloaf on the planet, and we eat it on the floor with stale bread, drinking water and talking about the relevance of immortality myths in an age where the average lifespan is skyrocketing because of medical technology, or the most hilarious thing your friends have ever done to your other friends... even if I've never liked meatloaf in my life, I will have a good experience with meatloaf, I will like it, and it will mean something to me.

Apply this to any of the above, and you will start to have an understanding of what I gravitate towards in any of them, because it's the same thing I seek out of any experience. Otherwise the list would be too cumbersome.
Six things I could never do without
Love. Music. My hands. People. Dancing. My hearing.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
How the world should be. How I want my life to look. How close I'm cutting it this month. How to become more organized. Work-life balance. Whether I'm meeting those needs and goals, and making myself happy. Whether I'm a celebrity yet. What project to tackle next. What kind of people I need to bump into that I'm not already bumping into on a regular basis, and how to spot them. What kind of people I could use as pillars in my life. Where I want to see myself in 5, 10, 20 years and how to get there. What I might be forgetting. Where my keys & phone are. How I made myself late again, and what I didn't finish for this meeting that I was supposed to and how quickly I can put it together. How it became 4am again.
On a typical Friday night I am
Doing Jewish with other Jews, and/or at a show, at a party, having a nice dinner with a co-op mate or a friend/lover/partner, board games, drinking wine or delicious beer, or dancing.

Saying, "Shabbat Shalom, Motherfuckers." And, generally, NOT working.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I'm terrified about whether or not this tour will work out or not. I'm staking my reputation on it in many ways. But I don't have a history of shying away from terrifying things-- so I'm just doing all the homework I can to mitigate risk, taking a deep breath, and fucking jumping.

I hope I don't break anything, and there are plenty of great things to come back home to.
You should message me if
You think I'm interesting, and have commentary about the things I think about. Especially if you're on the lookout for someone you can put roots in. I am.

**NEW: you should NOT message me if!**

When I got on OKC in the fall (2009), I put up this profile without pictures for a while. I was dealing with a major breakup and just wanted to geek out on questions, figuring I might have a huge influx of people I wasn't ready to deal with. But I saw a gal that caught my attention, so I decided to go ahead.

After they were up for less than 24h, I regretted it.

Every 15-30 seconds I got someone trying to IM me. Every 5-15 seconds someone views my profile. Over half of those people messaged me within seconds. And most of them are been dissapointing in different ways. And what's worse, it makes me not want to use the site for its intended purpose because it literally makes it unnavigable. And geez, guys, you're scaring off all the cute girls. For chrissake.

So, here's a good guideline. If you possess one of these *ahem* quality traits and get ahold of me anyway, chances are slim I will actually respond to you. (Chances are even slimmer if you IM me instead of emailing me. I don't like those. It feels like a phone call from someone I've never met. And I *know* you're waiting to see if I look at your page. Oh and FYI? I leave a bajillion tabs open on my browser and I usually like to read ALL (or most) of someone's page if I'm thinking about contacting them, so if it says I'm online, I might just have the tab open (so I can finish it later) and not even be *home.*)

And if people keep being sketchy, your misdeed will likely get added to this list. Do me a favor and don't treat this like a wall of fame, k?


...Your username is Sexy[name][number]. Like sexybrad72.
Please. This is your name. Don't you have something _interesting_ to say about yourself? Really??

...Your first words are going to sound like a bad pickup line. OKC is not a bar, I'm not drunk, and you have no excuse.

...You use netspeek /horrible spelling unironically. [shudder]
OK: I'm on ur netz, lookin for girlz
BAD: do u lik sukin dik 2nite

No. Next.

...Your Main image on your page is you nekkid, with nothing else of interest. Please. I've seen plenty of nekkid people, even hot ones. I know what a johnson and jane look like, and even brestices and nipples, k? If you're gonna be nekkid, at least make it interesting by not posing in your bathroom, sprawled out at the kitchen table or on the couch, or photoshopping your junk. kthxbai.

...You're hoping for a one night stand. I go to parties frequently. I have plenty of options for those that I can vet in person if I feel like a party trophy, which is extremely rare. A gal's got needs, but I'm also a sex-positive and poly activist as well as a musician-- I have a community to answer to, and I'm pickier about my one night stands, in many ways, than people I date (based on statistical frequency compared to relationships).

...Your first interaction with me is through an IM asking me an explicit quesiton about sexual history.*

*This one's tricky. Example of ok question: "I saw you're bi and a poly activist-- is sleeping with men or women different for you?" depending on who you are, I MIGHT answer that. Bad questions [from real examples]: do u lik sucking dik * How many casual encounters have u had * Are you a good fuck * Wanna cyber? I've had a few drinks * Just, no. Ew.)

...Your enemy percentage with me is higher than your match percentage with me. Actually, more specifically, if your enemy percentage is over 35%, or your match percentage is less than 70%. Do you really think we're going to get along well? Really? Seriously?

...You want to "lick the ashes from [my] soul." (yes, real IM. Hey man, don't ask me. I don't even know what that *means* and it sounds fucking creepy. Way to go, Alabama!)

...You want to confess your undying love/propose to me based on reading my page. ...How do you know I'm not a serial killer or dirty old man? Seriously. You've never met me. *You don't know.*


...You follow that up with anger of my lack of response. ...I don't *know* you. And that shit just makes it more likely that YOU'RE a serial killer. Save the children.

...You are unable to understand why anything in this list is hilarious.
The two of us