Phobophilic
45Berkeley, United States
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Phobophilic
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My self-summary
SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS:
You must have at least 50 billion brain cells (Bbc) of free memory available to run this profile. Sorry, viewers of Family Guy – you’re out.

PRERAMBLE:
I was recently advised by Legal that [THIS CONTENT HAS BEEN REDACTED]. Your continued use of this profile constitutes acceptance of these terms. Still with me? Wow. Okay. Caveat lector. Let’s proceed.

MEDICAL ADVISORY:
WARNING, BABY! ~~ACHTUNG! ~~WATCH OUT, FOOL!
Do not read this profile while operating heavy equipment. Tell your doctor or pharmacist about any other profiles you are reading before beginning this one. Rare but serious side effects have been reported, and snickered over.

Drinking alcohol may enhance the effect of this profile. We recommend a Mumbai Sapphire martini. If you use vodka in place of gin, what you have made is not a martini, so don’t call it that. It irritates me. Instead, induce vomiting. Rinse. Repeat. Repent. Repeat.

Profile readers are urged to seek a comprehensive psychiatric evaluation at my earliest convenience. Sure – now is good. Go ahead and print this whole thing out, and show it to your doctors. Watch closely as they read, noting any exaggerated or asymmetric eyebrow gesticulations. When they finish reading, note the length of time that passes before they begin to speak. If an audible sigh occurs during this period, record its length and volume, and whether there is a tongue click accompaniment. Take careful notes, focusing especially on what is left unsaid.

As your session nears an end, dart your eyes furtively around the room. Estimate the weight and stability of various furniture items to arrive at a “flipability” score for each piece. and select the piece you’ll be upending in a violent fit of Hulkoid rage. Your cue will be the phrase, “That’s all the time we have for today,” or whatever your doctor says or does that means “Get out.” If you perform this last task effectively, your session will be free. You may even be asked not to come back, which means you’re cured. Congratulations! Now come back and tell me what my problem is.

FEE STRUCTURE:
The use of this profile is complimentary: you look very nice today.

For readers who prefer their fees on a sliding scale, please step right up onto this slippery, oiled platform. Please be careful, now -- it’s a bit tilty, and…. Whoops!! Oh no!! ha! KABLAAM! ha ha! Noooo! ha ha ha ha! heh. heh heh. Aaaaaaahh. Okay, here’s your bill.

For readers of limited cognito-financial means, a negotiated group rate is available - please see Carol in Reception for details. {{CAROL! These materials must be sorted prior to disposal. The paper applications go in Paper Recycling. The applicants themselves go in the Gizzard Harvest/Composting bin. Remember how the shredders got all gummed up before?}}

RE: LIFE
Life Springs Eternal …that is certainly true. But that's ALL Life, collectively. Your own, personal Life springs Limited Time Availability, which is why you must ACT NOW! NOW! NOW! to take advantage of this incredible chance of a lifetime.

Terms & Conditions:
One Life per customer (limit not applicable to Hindus).
Lives are non-transferable.
Life may be redeemed only by issuee.
Life must be redeemed by issee.
No squandering.
And no scalping.! SO gross...

Perpetrators will be violated.

RE: LIFE, RIGHTS TO:
State law in the State of Being, in which you currently reside, recognizes Life as a privilege, and not a right. As such, Life can and will be terminated at will, with or without cause (see Inexorability Clause of Obama’s Affordable Care Act). There is no appeals process at this time.

Upon cessation of Life Services, you will be offered mandatory placement on indefinite unpaid Eternity Leave. Please plan accordingly.

RE: TIME
Time spent reading this profile will be withdrawn from your total Time, and no refunds will be issued. All Time lost while using this site is considered a donation, and becomes the exclusive property of Management. Your satisfaction with this product is neither guaranteed nor anticipated.

This profile contains no real fruit juice.

^^^THIS SPACE PROVIDED FOR COMMUNITY EVENT ANNOUNCEMENTS^^^

{NEW!} Our ON-SITE DAYCARE CENTER is now offering complimentary Identical Twin Consolidation! There is a nominal fee if you wish to select the head, but otherwise, this service is completely free. No need to make an appointment, just drop the little tykes off at the Gibletorium Funtime Arena at the Fairgrounds, where our Organ(ic) Harvest Fair is in full swing. Free punch for all attendees! {{CAROL: I think the offer is for “free punches,” not free punch. Why would punch be free?}}

2/29/2017
OPENING DAY at the ORGAN(IC) HARVEST FAIR!!

Shanky the Clown has been entertaining kids with his unique brand of prison-themed shenanigans ever since the first Organ(ic) Harvest Fair. Find him as he does his “Parole Stroll” around the park, and you’re in for a treat. Bring Shanky any item from home, and watch as he crafts a prison-grade shank from it, right before your eyes! Does your family prefer slashing to stabbing? No problem - Shanky makes shivs, too!

(Please note: Shanky is not an employee of the fairgrounds, nor is he formally affiliated with the event organizers. Shanky is classified as:

1) an independent contractor;
2) an uninsurable, colossal risk;
3) just a whole heck of a lot of fun!

Please enjoy Shanky’s zany mayhem at your own substantial risk.)

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[PRIVATE EVENT IN SESSION – CLOSED TO PUBLIC]

*SO* Last we left off, we were settling in for a Family Meeting in the Self-Summary Room. Shiva, three eyes flashing, is swirling about the room destroying things, apparently having some sort of cosmic smeltdown. Entropy is present, too, taking in Shiva’s chaotic release of energy as implacably and inscrutably as ever, emitting a soft white noise of crackles and buzzes...

ORDER IN THE COURT!
It has been brought to my attention that there is some Goddambiguity in the job descriptions of our Member Citizens. Let's sort it out.

Shiva. Certainly your role is the more complex one. For that reason, let us first review the role of Entropy, which is nicely laid out in one chapter. Shiva? Can you tell me the title of your brother's chapter?

The Second Suggestion of Thermodynamics.

No, Shiva. That is not it. Try again.

The Second Musing upon Thermodynamics.

No, Shiva. Come on. Okay. In the interest of moving us along, permit me. The chapter is titled:

THE SECOND AMENDMENT OF THERMODYNAMICS

And it states, rather simply, the following:

"The entropy of an isolated system being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to spontaneously evolve toward thermodynamic equilibrium shall not be infringed."

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LEAVE THIS SPACE BLANK:

I find myself trapped on abandoned submarines pretty regularly -- I think more often than is typical. I don't know how it happens.... I mean, for each incident, I know, but each time is different. I just don't see any patterns of behavior to change... It can be such a time suck, too. Like, days. First world problem as they say, but still. Quite vexing. {{CAROL: Why is this in here? Please move it somewhere else, or better yet, throw it out. We want to keep the summary succinct and on topic this time.}}

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{{CAROL: How is this the "final version" of the Summary, when all my notes to you are still present? Again, ALL double-bracketed text must be excised prior to publication! Do you really not see why this is important? Also, please refill the ice trays if you see them lying empty in the sink. No more witch hunts for the user of the last cube, please. It doesn’t matter - just fill them.}}
What I’m doing with my life
Oh.... My beautiful beautiful taxonomic class war is a MESS now! It's become a quagmire. And not a beautiful beautiful quagmire, like Afghanistan, just a big squishy mess. Gross! And I was so wrong about the tunicates, too. SO wrong! Squishy bastards.... I must restructure the whole thing. Which means mass redacting of the records. Here we go....

[THIS CONTENT HAS BEEN REDACTED]

**BA-CHOMP!** ....hackhackhackhack....

****WAR HAS BEEN DECLARED****

(shhhhhh! The Chief Taxonomist's about to speak-)
[THIS CONTENT HAS BEEN REDACTED]
**BA-CHOMP!** ....hackhackhackhack....
[THIS CONTENT HAS BEEN REDACTED]

...featuring such popular members as:
Bambi !
Aldous Huxley !
Myrna Minkoff !
The Ocelots !
The Wildebeests !
and kittens, Kittens, KITTENS !!!

... and in the other corner, representing the Axis of EVIL,
CLASS HOLOTHUROIDEA
(boooooo! the crowd hates it)

Oh, that's right, SEA CUCUMBERS... You are goin DOWN!! Squish!!

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CLARIFICATION
It is the Sea CUCUMBER that is our enemy, NOT, repeat, NOT the Sea SQUIRT!! There have been some MOST unfortunate incidents of Friendly Squish....! The Sea Squirts (aka Tunicates) are decent, good-hearted CHORDATES, just like you and me!

Just as we learned to accept that the whales and manatees are not fish...(pffft. right.)

So VIVA TUNICATA!! VIVA CHORDATA!! UNITE!! UNITE!! CELEBRATE YOUR NOTOCHORD... TONIGHT! TONIGHT!
I’m really good at
Clarifying. Or... not clarifying, but.... elaborating. I'm happy to elaborate. I can always provide more information. Some information clarifies, some further enshrouds.

NOTE: When ordering information, don't hassle the phone rep about which type of information you want! The rep has no control over that. The rep takes the orders, and sends them to the warehouse, where the warehouse guys fill the orders from whichever 40 gallon drum is open in front of them. Some drums are Clarifying, some are Enshrouding. You get what you get. Jeez! Does it matter?
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Measuring my own height
The first things people usually notice about me
... is that I'm slowly submerging them in a vat of mercury. But look: if you're going to get all weird and paranoid about it, it's not going to be a good experience for anyone. You have to totally relax. Believe me, it's challenging enough to get the head submerged properly, without the other segments being all aggro and combative. Just relaxxxxx...

Okay. Better. Now - you're going to feel a little pressure here at first, right on the top of your head. This sensation will gradually increase, and the best outcome will be achieved if you sit up very straight. Atta boy. Next, that pressure is really going to rise -- if you find it uncomfortable, that suggests you fear emotional intimacy. Or else, that you hit a chipmunk once, in your car. But why was he even in the car -- hadn't you invited him in? If that's the case, then you should NOT have hit him, and he was right to be upset. So what did you expect? Of course the pressure of the mercury spa treatment is going to intensify that discomfort that's already in you. The truth hurts, doesn't it?

We're just about done, anyway. During this next phase, you may experience just a brief twinge of excruciating pressure, but after that, a full 80% of our clients do not mention a sensation of pain or pressure at all. For the other 20%, buckle in, because that last push goes fast, but IS basically incompatible with life. And then we're done!

FAQ:
Q. I heard some heads pop like grapes.
A. Well that certainly is some colorful imagery, friend! Thank you for sharing your comment, which is not a question.

Q. Do some heads pop like grapes?
A. You mean, ever? Under any circumstances? Well, surely, they must.

Q. Do some heads pop like grapes when undergoing your mercury submersion treatment?
A. Oh. Yes.

Q. How would you personally be able to apply enough pressure to submerge a person in mercury? Density blah blah blah.
A. Great question! Here's my great answer:
1. Keep in mind that pressure applied here is different that pressure applied on Mercury. Once free of the Earth's tiresome gravitational pull, things become weightless, right? And density without weight is like a moose with a caterpillar army: weird and hard to figure. Of course, Mercury has its own gravitational pull, but the natives call it "Maize." That's right, children: maize. And yes, I can guarantee you that will be on the test. Maize, everyone. Maize...

Q: But aren't the mercury baths that you administer done here. on Earth, rendering everything you just said irrelevant?
A. Well, yes and no. Yes to the first part. But, no! Maize was not at all irrelevant in the lives of America's native peoples! You have to remember, we're talking about the period in time before the Pilgrims had arrived, with their turkeys, their bafflingly marshmellowed yams, and whatever appalling strumpet Uncle Ed was calling his girlfriend that year. So, in a word: maize.

Q. Given that the baths take place here on Earth, how can you possibly submerge someone in mercury, with its very high density?A. Oh, for goodness sakes! Look. Mercury is very dense, but it's not as if it's the densest thing on Earth -- I'm beginning to think YOU are. [CAROL: *sigh* Yes, please redact that personal attack. But know that there is going to be a serious review of the protocol by which you screen these questioners. I am NOT pleased at all with this current crop of maize-minimizing zealots. But we'll discuss it later.] *ahem*. Which is to say, that among the many, many materials which are known to be denser than mercury, one is -- What? No, not maize, you boron! Iridium! And as it happens, I'm one-quarter native Iridium, on my mom's side. I didn't mention it before, because I don't want to be treated any differently.

Are there any NON-mercury-related questions, at all...? Ah! Yes, you there: go ahead.

Q. I'm just trying to understand what the point of this profile is... Are you actually trying to date?
A. Ahh! I'm so glad you asked that! So, [THIS CONTENT HAS BEEN REDACTED]
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
BOOKS: it's not really a book. see? it's just a box, with a cutout for your bottle. see? hidden!

**BA-CHOMP!** ....hackhackhackhack....

MUSIC: anything involving an autotuned cat

FOOD: high-ash catfood; smelts; OPOSSUM L'ORANGE
Six things I could never do without
Cobras
Cobra accessories (scratching post, sippy cup, etc)
Cobra playpen
Maybe a few more Cobras
Manual: Living With Cobras: Why You Should Not
NCA membership - 1 year
I spend a lot of time thinking about
THE SECOND AMENDMENT OF THERMODYNAMICS

"The entropy of an isolated system being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to spontaneously evolve toward thermodynamic equilibrium shall not be infringed."

I'm done thinking about it -- I just thought it deserved its own section.
On a typical Friday night I am
For some time now, I have been hosting a DesPotluck Dinner at my home on Fridays. It's like a Potluck Dinner, in that guests must bring their own food and drink, and must bring enough to serve the other guests. The fun twist here is that I rule with an Iron Fist! I mandate who attends and what they bring, and then I judge them harshly and capriciously. Oh, it's great fun! It is for me, I mean. Each guest must fend for themselves and for or against one another, as far as the fun goes. It's my party, after all, that's in power, isn't it?

Here are some of the vittles we've had at our events before. Not all at once, of course, since overfeeding is not in keeping with the theme, now, is it?

BEVERAGES
Ho Chi Mint Juleps
Dick Champagney
Red Wine (A. Pinochet Noir)
Mobutu Sesi Sekocoa
Hot Buttered Rumsfield
Francisco Francocoa
Caligulattés

HORS D'OEUVRES:
Chiang Kai-Chex Mix
Pol Potstickers
Crab Rangoonsquad
Napoleonion Bonapartee Dip
Slobodan Miloceviché
Pu Putin Platter
Ayatollahtkes
Kim Jong Unagi
Dictator Tots

SOUPS & STEWS
Chili Kublai Khan Carné
Ho Chi Minhestrone
Idi Aminestrone
Bashark Fin Al-Assoup

BREADS
Pumpernicolae Ceauscescoops
Papadam Docs
Kaiser Rollhelm II, mit ein mitout der sesameschteigens!

SIDES
Condaleeza Rice
Baby Doc Choy (Seared)
Robert Mugabacon
RumsField Greens w Mubaricotta Cheese & Saudi Oil

MAIM DISHES
Francisco Franco Beans
Josef Stalinguini con Ho Chi Minced Clams e Mussellinis
Fidelicious Castrogonoff
Papa Doc L'Orange (de Sanguine)
Attilla the Huneybaked Ham
Haile Selasseascallops

DESSERTS
Henry Kissinginger Snaps
Bakvladimir Lenin
Ivan the Terriblintzes
Slobodanbonbons
Mao Ze Ding Dongs
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
Quandoque meae felis scriptor spiraculum olet cattus cibum!!
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Possible sock racist?

~~~~~~~~~Correction~~~~~~~~~
I'm not a sock racist. I'm a sock anti-miscegenationist. I'm fine with different color socks, and I don't have a problem with them casually mingling in the sock drawer. But when it comes to pairing up, I'm quite strict:
[THIS CONTENT HAS BEEN REDACTED]
You should message me if
I was recently diagnosed with COBRAPHOBOPHOBIA, and I'd be very interested in meeting others who share my fear of people who fear Cobras. I'm also open to meeting Cobras (obviously), Cobraphiles, and Cobra-mehs (those who feel neutral about Cobras). I am NOT ready, at this stage, to open my life to Cobraphobes, or Cobraphilophobes. Members of the following groups will be considered on a case by case basis: Cobraphilophilophobes, Cobraphobophilophobophiles, Cobraphilophilophilophobophiles. Thank you for your understanding.

Oh. And anyone who attempts to make any sort of "Copro"-based jokes to me will be summarily shanked in the liver with the sharpened end of a filthy prison toilet brush handle. And NOT in the good way...
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- At this time, we are no longer accepting applications for "Partners in Crime." However, if you're interested in being a potential Victim of [THIS CONTENT HAS BEEN REDACTED]

- If you can provide me with a vat or drum of mercury.

**BA-CHOMP!** ....hackhackhackhack....

Dudes! What the hell with all the cadmium? For the second night in a row, I've had cadmium bullion stacked up on my porch. I mean... really? Cadmium? How gauche.

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More
The two of us
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Lifestyle
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Other
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Dating
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Sex
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Ethics
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Religion