20. Most of the uninspired losers you have been dating would only come up with ten reasons. The Artster always gives 200%.
19. He never puts knives in the sink.
18. If you do, there's an 86.4% chance he can finally leap.
17. He's at least as real as Nessie, and almost as awesome.
16. He shot neither the sheriff nor the deputy. In fact, he has no criminal record at all! If you're in any geographical proximity to where he lives, and selecting your dating pool from the local inhabitants, that alone makes him the best you could ever hope for.
15. He respects you enough not to resort to dirty tricks like subliminal have sex with R2-D2 messages to make you fall in love with him.
14. He has both Polish and Irish ancestry--the joke potential alone ought to make it worth your time.
13. He always washes his hands after using the restroom.
12. He has never gotten involved in a land war in Asia.
11. He survived Jarts.
10. He never puts Baby in a corner.
9. You can mooch off his Netflix and Amazon Prime subscriptions.
8. He will never again wish to live in a world without springs.
7. He owns five tuxedos, so last-minute formal affairs are never a problem. You could take him to the opera or Dairy Queen. Or just elope tonight, if you already have your wedding gown.
6. He's more or less perfectly bilaterally symmetrical.
5. He never puts salt in his eyes.
4. He actually can believe it isn't butter.
3. He could ski the K-12.
2. He isn't good-looking enough to run off with another woman. (He is good-looking enough to run off with another man, but gives you his word that he won't, unless Alton Brown asks him to run away together, and he's happily married, so what are the odds of that?)
And the Number 1 Reason You Should Date R2-D2:
1. C'mon, what's the worst that can happen? You get free dinner (and maybe a show of some kind) in exchange for enduring his company for two or three short hours? That can't really be that bad, can it?
Mostly standing outside in the rain waiting to be struck by lightning in the hopes that it results in super powers, thereby making it easier to fight crime by night. And while that sounds fun and all, I really don't want to have to deal with city hall politics to get paid.
Oh, and I just bought a house. It gets lonely without you.
* Trivial Pursuit, Scrabble, parallel parking, singing off-key, and telling apart twins.
* Brewing beer. Not that flavourless filtered-p!$$ that commercials that air during professional sporting events would have you believe passes for "beer" (and no IPAs, I'm not a millennial hipster), but a delicious, opaque, liquid delight.
* Words With Friends trash-talking. (Just ask Sabuwolf.)
* Looking totally awesome in a paisley bow tie-accented tuxedo (and knowing the proper time during the evening to untie it, thus signifying my cool, relaxed demeanour while also reminding everyone else that their own clip-on ties are nothing less than symbols of their own painful inadequacy as men).
* Allergy-free cooking. But none of that gluten-free %#£*, that's just meshuggah. But if you're nice, I just might put copious quantities of red meat, salt, and carbs in you (if you follow my diet, you'll be as thin as me: Science).
* If you buy one of those furniture kits that says "Assembly Required", or if you have electronic equipment that needs installed, I'm the guy to call. Because if women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy.
* I used to do some acting (community theatre, mainly comedic), which people seemed to think I was okay at, or maybe they just liked seeing me in drag. Later on, I was in an improv troupe, which has since disbanded, but also got some laughs.
"Also, got serious Tobias Fünke/David Cross vibes from the third contestant."
I think that about sums it up.
Douglas Adams - The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy; Max Barry - Jennifer Government; Lewis Carroll - Alice in Wonderland and Through the Looking-Glass; Herge - Tintin; John Hodgman - the Knowledge trilogy; Antoine de Saint-Exupéry - The Little Prince; John Stossel - Myths, Lies, and Downright Stupidity: Why Everything You Know Is Wrong; Henry David Thoreau - On Civil Disobedience; and Burma-Shave signs.
"EVERYONE liked Bubba Ho-tep!"
Adaptation, Airplane!, American Beauty, Annie Hall, Arthur, Better Off Dead, Black Dynamite, Blazing Saddles, Breakfast at Tiffany's, The Breakfast Club, Clerks, Fargo, Footloose, The Forty Year-Old Virgin, The Godfather, The Graduate, Gremlins, Groundhog Day, Highlander, The Hudsucker Proxy, Indiana Jones, The Informant!, The Jerk, Kick-Ass, Little Miss Sunshine, Marty, Mean Girls, The Naked Gun, National Treasure, Ninja Wars, O Brother Where Art Thou?, OSS 117, Office Space, Point Break, Primer, The Princess Bride, The Producers, Red vs. Blue, Road House, Rubber, Sita Sings the Blues, Sixteen Candles, Sleepwalk With Me, Spanglish, Stand By Me, Star Wars, This Is Spin̈al Tap, True Stories, Waiting for Guffman, Young Frankenstein, and anything by the Jam Handy corporation (A Case of Spring Fever, Hired!, etc.); and I'll probably watch anything if it's shown in a 1930s' art deco movie theatre.
"But you know, I'm really wired. What do you say I ... take you home and watch I Love Lucy?"
Archer, Mr. Bean, A Bit of Fry & Laurie, Black Books, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Burn Notice, Cheers, Coupling, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Cutthroat Kitchen, Doctor Who, Fawlty Towers, Freaks & Geeks, Futurama, Get Smart, Good Eats, Greg the Bunny, Highlander, Benny Hill, The Pete Holmes Show, How I Met Your Mother, Idiotest, Impastor, Iron Chef, The IT Crowd, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Jeopardy! (which I've been on), The Kids in the Hall, The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson, Leverage, Married ... With Children, Molly B Polka Party, Monty Python's Flying Circus, The Muppet Show, Mystery Science Theatre 3000, Newsradio, Peep Show, Rocko's Modern Life, Rocky & Bullwinkle, The Simpsons, Mr. Show, Snuff Box, Soap, The Soup, Star Trek (TOS/DS9/ENT), That Mitchell and Webb Look, Unhappily Ever After, The Whitest Kids U' Know, Yes, Dear.
"YOU stay, we need talk about Hall & Oates."
Victor Borge, Carbon Leaf, Catatonia, Childish Gambino, Elvis Costello, the Electric Light Orchestra, Vic Fontaine, Donnie Iris & the Cruisers, Tommy James & the Shondells, Jethro Tull, Rodd Keith, Led Zeppelin, Limozeen, John Cougar Mellencamp, Persone, Pink Floyd, Queen, The Rolling Stones, Spın̈al Tap, Steely Dan, Rush, the Talking Heads, They Might Be Giants, Three Dead Trolls in a Baggie, Diamond Dave's Van Halen, The Who, Warren Zevon.
Whenever I'm having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day, the surest thing to cheer me up is the Muppet Show episode with Alice Cooper. Or a Gregory Polanco postgame interview.
"Life, my friend, is in the details! I like almonds: not cashews, almonds! Shelled, roasted, unsalted, and fed to me by women -- tall, beautiful women with long, black hair!"
Bombay Sapphire, cheeseburgers from Sheetz and Five Guys, Cheez-Its, Chick-fil-a sandwiches, garlic bread (with or without the bread), Guinness, lamb, pierogi, pistachios, steak done Pittsburgh-rare, tea, and any of the above (or anything not of the above) wrapped in bacon.
Just how much you're supposed to enjoy every sandwich -- and how to get the Supreme Court to rule that tarring and feathering of Designated Hitters is not Cruel and Unusual Punishment.
I've seen every episode of Gilmore Girls -- and enjoyed most of them. I still swear I'm heterosexual, though.
1. If you don't have any dogface photos. They're as unattractive as they are moronic.
2. Also, if you don't own any cats, or do but are at least able to envision a life without them. Not because I'm trying to disqualify the only woman still reading at this point, but because I'm severely allergic to them, and in the long run, I'd prefer to meet someone with whom I can go to sleep in the same house -- maybe even the same bed -- and then wake up later. That's the dream.
3. If you're a freckled redhead cellist who wears Lisa Loeb glasses and skirts/dresses that aren't camo, who knows how to be photographed without the aid of a bathroom mirror and doesn't upload the same bathroom-mirror photo two or more times to her OkCupid account -- and, most importantly, who understands why the American League is not real baseball. (But especially the cellist part.)
"What country are you from?! ... English, m@%#$*f@$#er! Do you speak it?"
4. And, finally, send me a message if I will be able to read it. I do judge people based on their command of their English language, unless they were born in a country that primarily uses a different one (and America doesn't count for these purposes -- yet). If you don't know the difference between "than" and "then", "you're" and "your" (and that "Ur" was a five thousand year-old city in Sumeria), or "lol" and a comma, I will definitely take your advice and "except you for who you are."
So what are you waiting for? I've got the brains, you've got the looks. Let's make lots of money!