my dream job is probably to write comedy of some sort and have people pay me for it in something other than rotten fruit being hurled at me.
my degree and professional skills portend a skill with grammar, spelling, and writing - skills i often choose to ignore in the interest of not coming off like those insufferable people who take an overt amount of joy from correcting minor grammatical mistakes or criticizing AAVE as "improper English". people who confuse an inability to use standard english with an inability to say interesting or intelligent things make me want to throw my arms up in the air like i just don't care, except that i would care; i'd care a lot because those people are insufferable and bad. i personally prefer to bend the grammatical rules and fuck around with the medium, rather than forcing it into some tiny dark hole without light or goodness and calling it "proper".
i'm also good at keeping it real. i dislike keeping it unreal. i abhor the phenomenal realm and prefer the noumenal thing-in-itself.
i'd like to think that i could hold my own were i forced to battle between 2-3 ice wolves, owing to the many sparring sessions i have with my dog in preparation for the fateful day when the ice wolves will inevitably come for us all. you may laugh at me for this now, but when the ice wolves come i will be the one laughing at you, from atop my saddled ice wolf
nah actually i'm a huge fan of pretentious white guy lit such as david foster wallace, jonathan franzen, et al. also enjoy jennifer egan, margaret atwood. been meaning to read junot diaz. i vacillate between literary fiction and nonfiction genres such as philosophy, politics, history, feminism, etc. even though my literary interests are highly pretentious i assure you i do not think i am superior to people who read harry potter or whatever
when it comes to interests outside of books i am generally less of an elitist-seeming piece of crap. i enjoy watching football and my favorite team is the rams, as their perennial failure to win reinforces in me the knowledge of my own contingency/lack of purpose in life. i enjoy incredibly bad top 40 pop hits as well as less bad things re: music. i also enjoy a variety of movies on various levels of the good vs. bad spectrum (mulholland drive, dr. strangelove / the room, troll 2).
im vegan for ethical reasons but won't judge you if your moral circle isnt as expanded as mine is. i like trying new foods and am amenable to eating oysters (which feel no conscious pain/do not harm the environment to produce) if you insist i eat some kind of meat.
my favorite part of rap songs is when there's the slowed down rap voice and if there's no slowed down rap voice part in a song then i will get very upset and start throwing my weight around and shouting into the unforgiving skies, demanding answers
-incredibly unhealthy greasy food
-my wicked cool dog
-a list of six things i can't do without that i keep handy just in case i forget
-the various things i use to distract myself from the inevitability of death, like my Applebees ® frequent customer rewards card
-my extremely normcore fashion sense, which is a hegelian synthesis of the thesis of hipster appropriation of extreme masuclinity/lumberjack attire and the antithesis of mom apparel
what the hell i'm doing with my life.
how humor works. why so many comedy types are truly awful people with awful beliefs and say dumb shit to try to be "edgy". why people think being criticized means they dont have free speech.
how i can become a better writer. what norms and tropes can i fuck with to improve myself. what do i have to say that is of significance. how can i say something of insignificance in a meaningful way. that kind of garbage.
-EATING PEANUT BUTTER DIRECTLY OUT OF THE JAR USING A JAGGED STICK BECAUSE IT LOOKS FUCKING BOSS
-READING INFINITE JEST IN ONE HAND AND THE CRITIQUE OF PURE REASON IN THE OTHER AND JUST FUCKING YOUR SHIT UP MENTALLY, DAWG
-UNPACKING ALL OF MY WHITE CIS MALE PRIVILEGE SO THAT I CAN SMASH THE FUCKING PATRIARCHY
-WONDERING WHERE I WENT WRONG IN LIFE TO BECOME SO ENMESHED IN THIS CAPITALISTIC SOCIAL MILIEU THAT I NOW VIEW EVEN MY OWN IDENTITY AS A PERSONAL "BRAND" THAT I NEED TO SELL AND EXPLOIT FOR FINANCIAL PROFIT SUCH THAT I CAN SUSTAIN MY NEED FOR THE PRODUCTS/COMMODITIES BY WHICH I ALSO DEFINE MYSELF. I'M A GAMER AND LOVE MOUNTAIN DEW.
i probably seem entertaining and funny based on this profile, but i am significantly less entertaining and funny in person. like most "funny" people [like most "people"] i am actually a very depressed person dealing with a lot of deep anxiety and i have no idea what i want out of life/relationships or anything in general. i'm highly fucked up and not good. if i were a house i'd be what's known as a "fixer upper" for some motivated person to want to try to go in and change but then it turns out there's just too much mold. you're gonna have to just tear it down and put up a new condo.
here are things i hate which for some ungodly reason others seem to love: traveling (expensive and stressful and id rather be seeing a movie or reading anyway and i can do that here thanks). exercise (jesus christ i like to play raqcuetball and will do the odd workout but so many people have somehow convinced themselves they like doing this). your job (if i wouldnt do it for free i am not going to be able to convince myself i like this shit. fuck jobs). the only thing people routinely say they love on here that i agree with is dogs. dogs are incredibly good and they are the only thing deserving of my love and worth my time. do not try to convince me traveling is as good as dogs; you can go to hell if you think that.
as far as relationships go, i have no idea what is best for me or what i want. polyamory? sure, maybe. monogamy? also maybe. i do know that i am not planning to ever get married again. nor do i ever want kids. and im not sure i want to eventually live with someone either, because living alone is so much less stressful. i realize this probably doesn't sound very nice to the vast majority of people but that's why i'm writing it. just weeding out the normies, really. if you've made it this far and still want to message me, congratulations, that is very messed up. wow.
...YOU FIGURED OUT THAT MY IRONY IS MERELY A "SUIT OF ARMOR" IF YOU WILL TO PROTECT MYSELF FROM JUDGMENT AND REJECTION AND ACTUALLY I DEEPLY CARE ABOUT THINGS AND SOMETIMES GET ALL BLEARY EYED THINKING ABOUT PUPPIES
...you realize that while there is a grain of truth to most of what i say in this profile, much of it is exaggerated as a way to ward off any normies