But never mind that. I'm awesome.
Pretending to know what I'm talking about.
Pretending to know what YOU'RE talking about.
On-the-fly Internet research.
Making awkward conversation, because ummmmmmmm...yeah.
Listening, when my gift for awkward conversation fails me.
Out-of-control dancing. I got moves like Jager. Not a typo.
Twisting anything you say into something dirty. I can't help it. I subscribe to the Michael Scott school of conversation.
Studying the cadences of your use of language. It's really obnoxious.
Dressing like I don't care when in fact I really really do.
My Bane voice.
Words with Friends. I am not kidding. I will most likely fuck you up.
Or, people notice my crooked mouth that makes it seem like I'm always smirking. In this, they are probably right.
Like an onion, I have many layers, and each one you peel away will make you cry harder.
Just kidding, I just always wanted to say that.
My favorite movie is both The Professional and Chasing Amy. Then probably Pulp Fiction. I established this triumvirate of faves right out of college and have not had any reason to change it. I do have 320 other favorites, and I can tell you what they are one day when you're bored, or if you've displeased me.
As for music, I like basslines that walk, drums that sprint, rhythms that move around, melodies that do whatever the fuck they want, and voices that breathe. I like sitting in cars and listening to them on full blast through stock speakers, or standing in line at retail stores, politely trying to keep myself from dancing around or singing along or worse, falling in love. I hate falling in love to music. It's the worst.
Television? I used to devour television when it was important and I was young. Back when one got their media education only with real work, putting in the long hours of interface with all the different stories people tell. Mind-numbing work, but I loved it. Now, just like you, I binge-watch shit only under perfect conditions.
Oh, and even though I am no true liberal, the Daily Show is the most important television show of the digital age. That or Archer.
As for food? I like Dungeness crab. Period.
My cigarettes. Seriously. I smoke. Enthusiastically. I don't have any other vices (well, no common ones), so deal with it.
My lighter. No, really, I smoke a lot.
Strong, bitter coffee. I sometimes think my heart would stop if I ever ceased my caffeine intake.
I can't think of any more. I'm pretty simple.
In real life, I'm apparently irresistible to gay men and old foreign ladies.
Also, I sometimes feel really guilty for judging you people on your spelling and grammar.
You are open-minded but opinionated, stout of heart but soft of demeanor, and quick to laugh in equal parts derision and joy.
Or really really bored and really really cute.
But really, you shouldn't message me. I really don't want to meet you. I'm just here like a construction worker whistling at you as the sultry curves of your profile saunter by, catcalling from a scaffold, anonymous. Damn girl, shake dem aspirations for me, flaunt those massive, bouncy wits. Let me lick my lips contemplating your refined tastes, and the flavors of your delicious inner workings. I hate to see you go but I love to watch you leave some kind of imprint on my psyche with this fleeting glimpse into your hidden world. Here, you're all dressed up, at your loveliest with that carefully applied makeup of words that strive to let us strangers see that you've got more going on than just what your mama gave you. And I may just be here winking at you, but know that in the space of that wink, I see.
But like I said, don't message me, beware, I may just send you a dickture if you don't watch out.