Let's skip the small talk, give me substance. I'm sure we've both had our share of boring conversations and we're over it. Let's feed our fucking brains.
I swear, a lot. I know that not everyone is into that and that's okay. But, please don't take my love of sentence enhancers as me being a rude person. Manners and respect and being gentlemanly are huge to me and I don't want someone thinking I'm a dick hole just because I use phrases like... dick hole.
If you can handle being complimented and being called a butthole in the same sentence, then message me.
I'm super fucking needy. Give me all sorts of attention and affection.
Above all else, I crave substantial conversation. Whether it be about movies, books, pop culture, or dumb immature jokes and bullshit... I NEED someone with an attractive mind. Sarcastic, clever, passionate, doesn't take themselves too seriously, that sort of thing.
I need a best friend and a lover (which sounds beyond cheesy, but i couldnt think of a better word) in one person. Let's joke about dumb shit and then makeout.
And let me just put this out there... being a responsible adult does not mean that you have to be a boring, uptight asshole about life.
I'm basically just looking for something that's starting to seem unattainable. I want a girlfriend I can be best friends with and watch movies and say dumb shit and laugh with but also be able to have long makeout sessions and squeeze each others butts and cuddle. Is that too much to ask?
Also, I have a son (who lives with me and visits his mom on weekends) and a daughter (who lives with her mom). They are my life. You don't really need to worry about them though, because you won't have any interaction with them. (Unless you count liking pictures of them on Instagram interaction.)
Cooking! I am so good at cooking.
Making fun of everything.
Did I mention talking?
TV Shows - The Walking Dead, The Kroll Show, Tosh.0, Regular Show, Adventure Time, Twin Peaks, Bobs Burgers, Rick & Morty, The Twilight Zone, The IT Crowd, Black Books, Twin Peaks, Daredevil.
Books I generally like anything by Stephen King or Frank Miller.
I have the most widespread, eclectic music taste ever of all time. Punk, 80's, rap, new wave, acoustic, I listen to everything. The only kinds of music i really despise are screamo and country. I also have an affinity for really terrible pop music.
1. Nice pair of shoes (if it's winter, exclusively Doc Martens)
2. YouTube (I need to be able to look up obscure TV show themes at a moments notice)
3. Some sort of energy drink
4. My cellular telephone
5. A well kept stock of black t-shirts
6. Good lighting for selfies
Elvis Aaron Presley.
Or I'm somewhere in the south wedge (where I live), either at Swillburgers or Lux or eating pizza or something.
Or the fact that I have a "guys I would do if I had to" list. Ryan Gosling and Joseph Gordon Levitt are at the top currently. Chris Pratt totally definitely also. But only if I like... had to.
If you hate whiney "nice guys finish last" types and want someone who has a backbone but is also a gentleman and will treat you and your dumb face like the beautiful princess you deserve to be treated like.
If you think politics are stupid and would rather talk about New Kids on the Block.
If you have style and a strong personality.
(I'd much rather you be crazy and interesting than safe and boring.)
If you have tattoos and/or piercings (Septum mmm) which sounds shallow, but of course isn't a requirement.
If you'll make intentionally ugly faces with me on Snapchat. (ShaunButt)
If you don't mind my addiction to Instagram. (@gooniesneeeversaydie)
If you think people watching is one of the greatest forms of entertainment ever created and want to help me make fun of everyone.
If you're weird. The weirder the better.
I can't stress this enough...ONLY IF YOU CAN HOLD A CONVERSATION. I talk a lot but can only do so much with "okay" and "lol"
If your eyebrow game is on point.
If you need someone to appreciate how hilarious you are since the rest of the world seems to not understand how funny bad puns and sarcasm are.
I can't believe that I really have to even say this but DON'T message me if you're racist or homophobic or transphobic or any other kind of ignorant crap.
DON'T message me if you're looking for your "redneck romeo" or whatever the hell you call those hillbillies. I'm a city kid, through and through (I know, the beard and chubbiness and love of flannel can be confusing sometimes).
Especially message me if you want to be the Timon to my Pumbaa.