35Madison, United States
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My self-summary
Seems like the right time for an overhaul, so... here goes.

Updated 9.12.12

I'm a work in progress. That's really the best way to describe it- and I hope I'm never finished. I'm a libertarian who's getting in touch with his hippy side, a sadist who loves to cuddle, someone who hates running but is training for a five k. I was recently told I'm always logical but rarely reasonable, and the amount of joy that brought me is indescribable.

I'm polyamorous- currently no primary partner but a few people that are important to me. I'm not ever looking to close things off.

I'm smart, most of the time. I'm cynical, almost all the time. I'm a bit of an asshole, some of the time. More importantly, and more consistently, I'm funny as Hell, even if it's sometimes only to myself.

I'm an atheist who's fascinated by religion, a pervert who's amazed by purity, and a smart guy who's repulsed by stupidity.

I like to have fun, I like to party a little, and I'm really happy with my life. I've gotten to a point where getting hammered every night isn't my ideal situation, but I'm not to the point where the occasional bender doesn't sound ideal.

I'm either a libertarian or an anarcho-capitalist, depending on the day/direction of the wind. I'm also a devout atheist (oxymoronicness intended) and I hate anime. Believe it or not, those three things were the reason my last three relationships ended, so I've decided to just put them right out front now. Recently, someone told me my lack of love for Star Wars was a deal breaker. More things some people find annoying: I think Kurt's writing was pretentious and unimpressive, I think Tarantino is an overrated hack (we can talk about Pulp Fiction and Reservoir Dogs being the exceptions- but his other work ranges from unbearable to unenjoyable), the LOTR movies were utter shit (using the British pronunciation), I could possibly care less about Harry Potter, but it'd be hard, and I mock people relentlessly. In fact, I've said a few thousand times to a few hundred different people "If I don't take the time to insult you, it just means I don't care."

Oh, and I think addiction is a load of shit, I swear more than a sailor with Turret's, and the little guy who censors what you say? Mine committed suicide ten years ago. And I have a habit of saying something unintentionally offensive to someone, pausing for a split second, and then saying "I stand by it." This is followed by uncontrollable giggling.

Recently I've started adding "for some reason" to the end of lots of sentences. It's something I'm sure will end eventually, but right now it amuses me.

And yeah, I'm a sadist. Consensual pain is frickin' hot, I can't deny it or ignore it, and I don't want to. I'm not looking for mindless slaves (not exclusively, at least :) ), but biting, scratching, slapping, etcetera are regular parts of my sex life. If that's not for you, hey, I'll gladly talk to you anyway. I'm not one to turn down new friends.

And before I forget, I ruthlessly mock goth and emo kids who act like they're bad ass. In fact, pretty much any guy who thinks he's bad ass and isn't above six six is going to set off my alpha-male strut... which is either endearing, annoying, or terrifying, depending on who you ask. No matter what, I'm not planning on stopping it any time soon. Girls in goth gear can be super duper hot... pale skin, dark make-up, piercings... drool... but I promise I'll laugh at any dark and evil things you say. Be forewarned.

I have an unhealthy amount of love for Penn Jillette. See also: Steven Tyler, Bruce Willis, William H. Macy, and Johnny Depp.

There's nothing I care less about than circumstances of birth... if you have a large amount of pride in your "cultural heritage" then maybe we won't get along that well. There's a difference between knowing where you came from and things like, say, whining about the fact that German isn't the dominant language because you've got German ancestors. This one is hard to explain without specific examples... if you're curious, feel free to ask.
What I’m doing with my life
Trying to balance a ridiculous work schedule with some semblance of a social life, with varying degrees of success. There are weeks I work eighty hours and go out five times, and there are weeks I work forty five and don't leave the house at all.

It all boils down to one thing- I'm trying to become the person the people who love me think I am- the man they see when they look at me. What that says about my personality I probably don't want to know.

I recently started a couch to five k program- I'm much more on the couch side, but it's a start. I'll probably never be a skinny guy, but I plan on being much closer to it eventually.
I’m really good at
Conversation, writing, and anything I can do with my hands. Insulting people without really trying to. Saying the absolute wrong thing at the perfect time and causing uncontrollable laughing sprees. And I promise I can whip your ass at Beirut (beer pong), or drink you under the table with ease. I'm Irish, what can I say?

If you noticed the hypocrisy from something said earlier, well done.

I'm also good at being excessively wordy. Sometimes I've even proven myself adept at tossing around ten dollar words when nickel words would suffice. Although I try to limit myself, for the most part.
The first things people usually notice about me
My eyes. Especially since I had corrective surgery and dropped the glasses. Right after that, they notice that I'm a lot smarter than I look and a lot nicer than they expected. Sometimes they notice the fact that I'm talking loudly about something entirely inappropriate... but usually it's eyes.

If it's someone I haven't seen in a while, they notice that there's much less of me. I hate talking about it, but I've dropped fourteen inches and counting in 2012- still a ways to go, but I'm fairly happy with myself.

I've been told I should add that I'm way nicer than I appear. I don't know why that's important, but it's been suggested by more than one person. What can I say- I thrive on defying expectations.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Books: Anything by Stephen King, some things by Spider Robinson, most non-fiction. I tend to get completely stuck on themes- I just finished Public Sex, Sex at Dawn, and Boink- I've moved on to The Other Hollywood. Clearly sex is on my mind lately- not just in the casual way. If you've got interesting thoughts on gender/identity/orientation, I'm totally interested in having a conversation.

Short stories by David Sedaris, Jean Shephard, and various others are taking up a lot of space on my Kindle right now. I'm trying to power through 50 Shades of Grey, but fuck is it bad. I haven't even gotten to the sex parts- I keep getting too pissed off at the shitty writing.

Movies: Shawshank Redemption, Stranger than Fiction, Clerks I & II, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Rocky I-IV and Balboa (five never happened), Gran Torino, This Film is Not Yet Rated, a shitload of others. I quote Die Hard on a daily basis, and The Last Boy Scout on an hourly one. Bruce Willis... too much awesome for one man to contain.

You could say I'm a movie whore. I'm also not particularly pretentious about my movie choices... I'm equally happy watching mindless dreck like Armageddon or any other big-dollar blockbuster as I am watching a well done, deep, moving indie film. I also don't shit myself over sub-par self-loving dreck that happens to be independent like a lot do- if you think Sideways or Little Miss Sunshine were anything more than decent little flicks, we won't get along. Or we might, but there's a high probability you'll get tired of me openly mocking you. That'll happen.

Music: Almost anything, dependent on mood. Lot's of Miles Davis and Aerosmith. Some rap. Next to no R&B. Bush. Cake. Counting Crows. Johnny Cash. Frank Sinatra. Bloodhound Gang. Daft Punk. They Might Be Giants. Radiohead. Primus. Ween. Garth Brooks. Foo Fighters. Red Hot Chili Peppers. Eminem. Van Halen. Metallica, pre-bitch times. Megadeath. Sonic Youth. The Ramones. The Kinks. New York Dolls. Sex Pistols. Soul Coughing. A little techno, DJ Aphrodite (with or without the DJ title). Very little country, but not none. And All Star. If I didn't have All Star to listen to, I'd lose my mind. I'm pretty easy going when it comes to music, actually. If you've ever said the words "How can you like them? EVERYONE knows/likes them!" then please, do me a favor and leave me the fuck alone.

I'm fine with obscure bands only six people have heard of, but when said obscure band becomes mega-popular, I'm more likely to be happy for them than angry they "sold out." I've been a fan of Dope since I heard them as the first opener for Fear Factory and Static X in '99, and the fact that they were moderately famous for five minutes made me really happy. Their first CD is quite possibly my favorite CD of all time.

I don't listen to the radio anymore, since I developed a pathological hatred for commercials thanks to my DVR. This means that I haven't heard a new song that wasn't in a movie/TV show in probably four years. It's awesome, really. I'm not adverse to new music... it just better not suck. If two paragraphs ago didn't give it away, I've got fairly eclectic tastes. You could argue that I should use "BAD" instead of eclectic, and I'd certainly listen.

I also love stand-up comedy, particularly Mitch Hedberg, Joe Rogan, George Carlin, Bill Hicks, Christopher Titus, Lewis Black, Eddie Izzard, and a shitload others. I hate Carlos Mencia (fucking Ned). Dane Cook annoys me to no end (mainly because he's had one or two funny bits in his career, and people worship him. Oh, and because the few comics I know say he's a really whiny little bitch). Denis Leary used to be a favorite, until I heard the stuff he was doing done better by Bill Hicks years before. Now I love him for Rescue Me, but don't break out the stand up discs very often. Sam Kinison was awesome, Lenny Bruce was overrated. I can discuss comics and comedy for hours, and if you don't stop me, I probably will.

Food: Steak, lobster, shrimp, or the lemon garlic chicken I make, which is fan-fucking-tastic. Not particularly picky with food, either... although I am a bit of a snob.
Six things I could never do without
My computer, TV, Pepsi, meat, my MP3 player, showering. There's probably other stuff, but right now, that's my list.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Nothing in particular- my mind twitches like an epileptic kid at an anime convention. I find myself thinking about a baseball game I watched ten years ago, which transitions into wondering what lion farts smell like, which leads me to ponder the process that lead to sewage pipes being installed, which will lead me to wonder what percentage of ancient Romans died of diseases that are now preventable/curable/non-existent, and that could lead me to wonder how many dollar bills have ever been printed. My mind is a dark and scary place.

I'm also likely to think about really good stories I've heard, sometimes going into a jealous rage about the fact that they're not mine. I want my stories to be better... although they're already pretty damned good. I have some flat-out ridiculous stories. I'll even share them if you ask real nice.
On a typical Friday night I am
Everyone says there is no typical- I guess that makes me like them. I tend to go with what's happening- one weekend it might be a bar with my best friend, another it might be dinner with a group of people I barely know. Sometimes it's a baseball game, Vegas trip, Chicago excursion... I've been a homebody the last few years, now all I really want to do is go.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I love Disney movies entirely too much.

Or that I often claim to be a virgin. For some reason, no one ever believes me. I don't know why not.

Another good one is I don't really like to kiss. I can fool around with someone just off physical attraction- but kissing takes more for me. It's apparently a pheromone thing, according to some semi-qualified friends.

I'm also willing to share almost anything, with almost anyone, at almost any time. So if you really want to know, just ask.
You should message me if
You're smart, you don't mind sarcasm, you like to have fun, and you're submissive and/or masochistic.

Or just for the Hell of it.

Or if you wonder if it's possible for me to be as arrogant and snotty as this thing comes off.

Or if you want to find out how many incredibly corny pick-up lines I know.

Or if you think it will make my day a little better. I always appreciate the effort.
The two of us