Anything the guy below me can do I can do better (and I'm quadriplegic).
Plus the guy above me just called me a nasty word.
(That, making a sitcom and stand-up comedy, but bragging about that would be arrogant, right?)
Well, yeah, not so much the second come to think of it. Or the first. Damn.
That I'm normally manipulating social tension to the point people are forced to be comfortable.
Food: I eat an amount that could only be acceptable for a dude with a condition that means he burns off s**tloads. I LOVE homemade food even though I can't cook myself. I can't understand vegetarianism. Sorry.
TV: static (The black line is clearly experiencing a lot of sexual tension around the white, I wish they'd just **** and get it out of the way.)
(Unfortunately the first two of the three are entirely accurate)
TV try #2: Curb Your Enthusiasm, Breaking Bad, The Thick Of It, The Wire, Louie, Not The Nine O'Clock News, Arrested Development, Brass Eye.
A brick wall to shout venom at.
Belts - though the f***ers never stay fastened! If I start adjusting myself mid-date (as we're CLEARLY going to go on one) do excuse me but it's either that or get more of an eyeful than you bargained for. (HA 'eyeful', and they say I'm not modest!)
My half-drainpipe-on-strings gadget that enables me to put my socks on
When the time will come when I'll have to accept spaces between words and punctuation marks are acceptable and stop wanting to brutally murder said 'offenders'.
What my next meal will be
How much I hate David Cameron
What George Osborne's face will look like after I've run it over in my heavy-duty mobility scooter
Why the phonetic qualities of the words 'mobility scooter' are such a comic goldmine
Why people think 'Oh My Darling Clementine' is cheesy (Drove she ducklings to the water, Ev'ry morning just at nine, Hit her foot against a splinter, Fell into the foaming brine.
Ruby lips above the water, Blowing bubbles, soft and fine,But, alas, I was no swimmer, So I lost my Clementine.
How I missed her! How I missed her, How I missed my Clementine, So I kissed her little sister, I forgot my Clementine.)
Also, the few times I've "got lucky" those poor ladies have been slightly older than me, so if you're rocking the 29-33 age range and you're surprised to hear from me, I'm just playing to what appears to be my target audience.
*This is in comparison to the numerous cases I've come across but to the lay eye it could well be moderate-severe.
But whether it's mild/moderate or severe, the most important thing is I get the eff out there! And no, I can't have sex and I'm clearly on a dating site just to make myself more frustrated about the fact I can't have sex. (Was that written in sarcasm? I guess you'll have to message me to find out.)
Or you want to beat Superman and you need some crip-tonight. (Say it out loud... Think about it... Yeah, now you've got it!)