• I am big and cuddly, like a bear, but without the mauling and killing and tree climbing ability.
• I enjoy philosophizing about life, the universe and everything, but I remain perversely unsatisfied with answers that can be expressed as integers.
• I'm smart! You can show me off to all your friends and they'll be suitably impressed, or you can sic me on them to win all your arguments for you!
• I endeavor to escape reality through fantasy/sci-fi books, movies, and video games. Basically anything that takes place in the past or the future. The present sucks; I mean, we don’t have magic OR flying cars. Honestly I’m not sure how any of us make it through the day.
• I'm not a bum! I have a place to live, a car to drive, a job to pay me money, and I don't even live in my mom's basement anymore!
• I have a tendency to go on long, passionate pontifications on recondite matters of geeky esoterica, such as why Dungeons and Dragons 5th edition is the end of the world as we know it, or why this generation of video game consoles is the end of the world as we know it.
• I’m a wannabe intellectual, in the sense that my mind contains an amalgam of random facts on variegated topics and I wanna ascribe a fancy word to that.
• I’m a bit of a curmudgeon and I tend to rant vociferously about “kids these days” replete with the obligatory “back in my day” fist shaking.
Also, here’s what SparkNotes’ personality test says about me (This is their version of INTJ for you Meyers-Briggs traditionalists):
You are a JUDGE (Dominant Introverted Concrete Thinker). Your affinity for facts and analytical approach to life help you solve complex problems and make tough decisions that others cannot. But don't think that you don't act irrationally a lot of the time. You jump into arguments and hold grudges like crazy. You could probably use some love. While some may see you as a bit overbearing and arrogant, your friends know that you are a trustworthy person with depth and a strong sense of righteousness. Although you are introverted and somewhat reserved, you have a forceful personality that your friends appreciate and your enemies fear. God help them. God help all of us.
I'm also an Adjunct Professor at GMU helping to corrupt (shape) young minds as I impart my dubious wisdom on cyber security. First time ever teaching a class. Hopefully all my students will survive.
• Exorcising pernicious bugs from computers and other digital technology
• Infusing social situations with a much needed touch of awkwardness
• Spending too much time thinking up passably witty responses to dating site profile questions
• Assiduously amassing an amazing array of amusingly alliterative adjectives and adverbs
• Movies (well, genres): Fantasy/sci-fi, intellectual/action, Chinese martial arts movies and military epics, superhero movies, some comedies.
• Shows: The Simpsons, Futurama, South Park, The IT Crowd. I don't watch much TV honestly.
• Music: Metallica, Disturbed, Dragonforce, Nightwish, Epica, Amberian Dawn, Pythia, Apocalyptica, Lindsey Stirling.
• Food: Everything that's bad for me. *melodramatic sigh*
• Video Games: RPGs (especially old school), single-player shooters, strategy games, MMOs.
• My computer
• The Internet
• Good RPGs
• Mass-market paperback books
• Bulleted lists
• The paradox of individually iconoclastic people who when banded together immediately adopt the hive mind they rant so vitriolically against.
• Bemoaning the paucity of people who possess the power of independent thought and critical thinking skills.
• The manifold mysteries of life, like why are we here? Are we alone in the universe? And where the hell did I put my damn wallet? I *swear* I saw that fucking thing a minute ago!
The Quest for the Holy Geek
The year...is 2017
The place...is the suburban hellscape of Northern Virginia, where the last crumbling vestiges of a once proud, but now forgotten civilization slumber, forlornly awaiting the light of reason to shine once again, and banish the terror-stricken paranoia that vanquished it.
Join our intrepid champion on his quixotic and probably ultimately futile quest to find!...what's mentioned in the title.
Our hero starts his adventure at Computer Castle where the noble Windows Wizards and Software Sorceresses do battle against the horrendous Hacker Hellions (while the Linux Luminaries look on in indomitable indifference). Our plucky protagonist bravely does battle with these wicked fiends using his Staff of Fire Wall and Intrusion Detection Wards and lo! They are vanquished, and peace reigns once again.
Then the gallant geek-seeker stumbles upon the dreaded Cave. . .of RELIGIOSITY! He is immediately assailed by mythical bearded white men who bombard him with creepily specific sex advice and deplorable ideas concerning the treatment of women and slaves. But our hero stands strong against their ancient and obsolete ideologies and defeats them with his mighty Protection from Stupidity and Word of Reason spells. The bearded white men are then banished back to the realm of myth and fairy tale...where they belong.
Finally the audacious adventurer strides victoriously into the fey land of love where awaits for him the most holiest of geeks, the queen amongst her kind, whose discovery had been prophesized since the dawn of time (the time of the creation of this narrative anyway). The two embraced, and did other things the descriptions of which are ill-suited for a general audience, and happiness reigned in the world of them, and life was good.