• I am not above shamelessly ripping off Jim Gaffigan from 10 years ago.
✓ If that was too long for you, you should probably read more.
What did we learn in this section?
⇒ I have a solid grasp of human anatomy.
⇒ Comprehending figurative speech is a weakness of mine.
⇒ So quick witted, alas I admit it.
Movies: Gremlins 2 is a perfect film. Blackfish is a propaganda piece produced by animal rights fanatics and filled with conscious lies and dubious ends justify the shortsighted means logic. Both of those things are true, and I can back both up with scores of evidence.
TV: I like CW DC shows (but less than Netflix Marvel shows), Game of Thrones, Stranger Things and Westworld. You know the acting on Walking Dead is great when even the guns emote. (When Rick's gun is pointed down you know it's sad.)
Music: Jason Isbell, M83, Passion Pit, Stephen Lynch, Civil Wars, Chvrches, Ben Kweller, The National, Jenny Lewis, gregorian chants, Hamilton (I even bought a season pass to SHN to see the traveling show...speaking of, I need a date...just kidding, finding a date for Hamilton will be easy but I do need a date for the Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time -- whatever the fuck that is)
Food: Mexican, Italian, Thai, Burmese, BBQ, etc.
Podcasts (Because this section isn't long enough):
I loved Doug Loves Movies until Doug Benson blocked me on Twitter for being right. Comedy Bang Bang, and How Did This Get Made are good.
As a man I'd like to think that I don't need anything (Besides my dog ;-) narrative continuity nerds) - like you could drop me in the middle of the wilderness like Aron Ralston, Chris Mccandless or Timothy Treadwell, with a knife and flint and I'd survive - but then I remember that the only one of them who made it out of the wilderness alive did it by sawing his own arm off with a swiss army knife. For that reason I'm gonna throw "my Iphone" on the list. That way even if there isn't service I can play (Insert the mobile game of the moment) as I die of thirst and/or exposure.
➣ This isn't six things.
➣ These arrows are perhaps the coolest ones yet.
➣ I'll show you how to make them over paninis.
► If the Police song "Every little thing she does is magic" was written in the 1600's it would have taken on a much darker tone.
► When anaerobic organisms have panic attacks do their friends tell them, Bro, just relax and don't breathe"? Probably not; they're asexual.
► Condensed down to their mortality events all koalas do is eat shit and die.
► If someone has a nasally voice, does that mean they have a sinus inflection?
In the offseason I work hard and cliche harder like everybody else.
→ You wear glasses: They are the windows to the windows to the soul.
→ You recognize that there are only 4 puns in this entire profile despite the fact that it feels like there are 400.
→ You enjoyed my bold spoiler alert. (Now there are 5 puns)
→ Bonus points if you don't have a beard.