31Colonia, United States
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My self-summary
Let's face it: if we were all as smart, cool, funny, and interesting as we made claim to be, we wouldn't exactly need to be on a fucking dating website, now would we? Unless we all have various fatal flaws, of mostly the egotistical variety. Wow that's hot. Let's be viciously flawed, quasi-narcissistic human beings together!

For a guy of limited intelligence and even more limited visual appeal, I've got a surprising number of exes. No idea why, except maybe people can just smell the trust fund on me.

I asked my friend to describe me circa 2012 and he said at this point I'm either the nicest asshole ever or the douchiest nice guy ever, take your pick. Naturally my follow-up question to this was "is there a difference?" and the response I got was something like "ask me when I'm drunk." STAY TUNED.

Speaking of drunk, occasionally I'm drunk on Twitter which sounds like an excellent reason for you to follow me, random stranger. (@kinghawkranger)

I was just in Baltimore this past weekend (I'm writing this on 7/30/12, in case I leave this up for many moons which I probably won't). If you know what was going on in Baltimore this weekend, you will probably make some unfortunate assumptions about me. I'm a dork but I'm not that kind of dork, y'know? I went to a panel on LGBT issues, I went to a panel on sexism, and I felt far smarter than I actually am. I also drank. A lot.
What I’m doing with my life
I go to school (I'm not retarded, I started late, honest). I write for the SB Nation's LA Kings blog Jewels From the Crown, theoretically. I play poker, mostly online at this point because live poker involves driving far distances and having drinks thrown at me.
I’m really good at
I scored 9 goals in a floor hockey game at the boys & girls club once. I was like, ten years old probably? But still. TRIPLE HAT TRICK~
The first things people usually notice about me
"Why is that kinda dorky-looking guy smirking in the general direction of nothing? Oh fuck is he about to stab me?"
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
I deleted literally everything from my long-ass last profile except all this stuff BECAUSE REASONS

Movies: The Royal Tenenbaums, Reality Bites, Up in the Air, Cruel Intentions, Pulp Fiction, Inglorious Basterds, Lost in Translation, Marie Antoinette, Garden State, all three Ocean's movies (yes, even Twelve, aka the one everyone else hated. don't care, it was great, shut your face), Across the Universe, Trainspotting, Wall Street, American Psycho, The Producers, The Dark Knight, Battle Royale, Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, Kill Bill, Sarah Silverman's Jesus is Magic even though I think calling it a movie is kind of a stretch, and way more I'm probably forgetting. Also I like a lot of Bond flicks, because I guess I needed to embody at least one masculine stereotype. I don't really watch a ton of action movies otherwise, but like Moore and Connery-era Bond I can watch a million times (and I probably have at this point).

Music: Splitting this up into two categories based on language, just to make things a bit easier. And this is by no means a comprehensive list of everything I like and listen to, simply because that would take WAY too long and I'm sure I'd forget most of the bands anyway. The only order it's in is alphabetical, I am not one of those people who can put bands in the order that I actually like them.

(I generally like post-punk, post-rock, post-hardcore, other made-up genre names starting with the "post-" prefix, some pop, some hip-hop, or basically anything but modern American mainstream rock music.)

English: 1000 Knives, Adam & the Ants, The Arcade Fire, The Asteroids Galaxy Tour, The Beatles, Blue Oyster Cult, Bow Wow Wow, The Briggs, Cibo Matto, The Clash, CSS, The Cure, Daft Punk, David Bowie, Death From Above 1979, The Doors, Elvis Costello, Franz Ferdinand (first album only, they can pretty much blow me after that), Gang of Four, Garbage, Girl Talk, Iggy Pop & the Stooges, Interpol, The Jesus & Mary Chain, Joy Division, Kylie Minogue, Lady GaGa (DON'T BE A H8ER), Ladytron, LCD Soundsystem, Minirex, Mott the Hopple, New Order, NIN, Nirvana, No Doubt (I will get mocked for this one too but I DON'T CARE), Of Montreal, Paul van Dyk, The Pixies, Psychadelic Furs, Queen, The Ramones, The Rapture, Roxy Music, The Sex Pistols, Siouxsie & The Banshees, The Smiths, The Specials, Squeeze, The Strokes, Sugar Hill Gang, Tears for Fears, Tom Tom Club, Vampire Weekend, The Velvet Underground, The Verve, Windsor for the Derby, Wolf Parade, XTC, The Yeah Yeah Yeahs

(AND OTHERS, obviously. I only put this here because a surprising amount of people have been like "Wait you don't like [insert artist here, usually a rapper]?" like this is a be-all end-all list of everything I've ever liked and listened to.)

Japanese: 8otto, 9mm Parabellum Bullet, Asian Kung Fu Generation, The Back Horn, The Band Apart, The Birthday, Bloodthirsty Butchers, DJ OZMA (I can live without his bands though), Falsies on Heat, Ging Nang Boyz, GO!GO!7188, HINTO, Killing Boy, LAMA, Mass of the Fermenting Dregs (I know that sounds like the name of a metal band but they're like, not at all), m-flo, Mudy on the Sakuban, Number Girl, Ogre You Asshole (they have simultaneously the greatest and the worst band-naming-story of all-time; if you don't get the reference, s'okay, THEY DIDN'T EITHER), Perfume, Pierrot, The Pillows, Quaff, RIN TOSHITE SHIGURE, Rosso, sakanaction, The SALOVERS, Shiina Ringo, Shugo Tokumaru (imagine Sufjan Stevens except without the Christanity and the ridiculous overhype, and also imagine he's actually good, and that's Shugo), Supercar, Thee Michelle Gun Elephant, Toddle, Tokyo Jihen, Tommy february6, Tricot, TsuShiMaMiRe, The Underneath, Vola & the Oriental Machine, Yo-HEI, Zazen Boys

TV: Law & Order CI, Angel, Buffy, Sex & the City, Six Feet Under, and that's pretty much it actually. Yeah I don't watch that much TV other than like a whole lotta hockey (which occasionally I get paid to watch, sorta, so yeah. Not that I wouldn't watch anyway). I flirted with liking Girls (the new HBO show, not the gender of human) but decided it wasn't for me. Out of context that sentence sounds kinda bad.

Lately I've been watching a ton of political TV, mostly MSNBC stuff. I'm addicted to the Rachel Maddow show and to a lesser extent the Last Word. I guess I've grown out of my libertarian phase; probably just read HuffPo & The Nation too much (there's this otherwise nothing column from 2008 titled at least in part "Buzz Off, Ayn Rand" that pissed me off at the time but is sort of like a manifesto now). I think at some point you wake up and realize, do I want to be another rich white guy pretending to stomach the evangelicals while twirling his evil mustache, or do I want to at least pretend to care about other people's plight? I'm in a unique place politically just because my dad's side of the family are fairly poor while my mom's side are your classic Northeast "country club Republicans" (I wish I had recorded her rant to me on the phone RE: Todd Akin this past week, it was awesome), a political species that the current GOP is doing their best to make extinct with their radical social policy. Anyway. I don't know how I started on this rant at all, so let's end it here.

Reading right now: What's the matter with white people? by Joan Walsh (answer: everything) & The new new deal by Michael Grunwald. Making a list of "favorite books" seems pretty fucking absurd to me, but maybe this is just because I tend to read non-fiction.
Six things I could never do without
to be honest, if I had to list them right this second:
-friends & family who are not active on twitter
-things that are not hockey or twitter but can keep me interested until more hockey or twitter
-pictures of kittens

that's how I'm feeling tonight guys. and yes it IS ranked in order of importance obviously
I spend a lot of time thinking about
plots of things I'll never write, people I'll never see again, people who don't actually exist but I remember them as existing in my brain, how much I miss being an actual smoker, fuck I dunno that one time in high school I did cocaine?
On a typical Friday night I am
I like stepping on arrows in time with terrible music. I do that a lot.

Oh, you know, drinking and stuff.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I'm pansexual which means pretty much the exact same thing as bisexual but you're supposed to indulge me and pretend it doesn't okay? Basically I'm kind of queer but I don't really like dating guys anymore because it's harder and stuff (haha, harder, hi unintended pun!).

I fall in and out of love really, absurdly quickly. Some girl I dated (or actually I think never dated but wanted to date maybe?) once called me an "emotional whore" which is one of those things that sticks with you long after you can't remember the name of the girl who actually said it.

I'm about as much of a feminist as any self-aware man could possibly be. I can cite male privilege chapter-and-verse, I read Jezebel & Gawker on pretty much a daily basis, I briefly thought about becoming a gender studies major, etc. I probably still have a penis. Maybe. But yes, I am well aware of the patriarchy and I try to check my privilege (and not just the male variety either, white/class/ableism/etc) every single day.
You should message me if
You aren't immeasurably boring. That's my only requirement. Be interesting. Have interests. etc etc
The two of us