Since you've probably seen a few other profiles, let's go over the DON'Ts and NOTs based on things you may have erstwhile read:
I don't live life to the fullest. I don't care about the beach. I want a partner that does not involve crime. I'm not outdoorsy or adventurous. I might not live only once. I'm not a "foodie" (whatever the balls that even means). I don't travel much. I'm not up/down/good for/with anything/whatever. I don't work hard and immediately segue to playing hard. I don't necessarily like trying new things. I don't try everything at least once. If you want to know more, don't just ask: have a conversation with me.
Now that we've moved past all that fluorescent banality, on to the stream of consciousness gibberish...
I continue to be annoyed that the term and concept of dork has garnered cool cache in recent years. Some of us didn't choose this lifestyle...we were born this way.
I collect a bargeload of movies, some of which I never watch and some of which I discard after watching once. This is one of my more prominent and time-consuming interests. It has almost entirely replaced television as my movin' pikters of choice. The movie WALL-E makes me want to hold hands.
I own firearms and strongly support the right to do so. As a necessary part of that, I sternly emphasize the responsibilities of such ownership, as it is the irresponsible owners that ruin it for the rest of us.
I have legendary willpower. Once I have determined a certain standard, expectation, or course of action is appropriate, I can hold against the most pressing of temptations.
If I expected as much out of other people as I expect out of myself, I'd probably be alone for the rest of my life.
I prefer casual settings and activities, largely because I prefer casual attire. Dressy clothing tends to make me uncomfortably warm; a suit is a thermal iron maiden for me. However, I also prefer experiencing women in casual, comfortable settings: I'd much rather see you in your favorite sweats and tank top than a party dress.
I like going into the "Questions" parts of profiles and seeing what people say, particularly how I disagree with people. It's interesting how many people answer questions in markedly different ways than the traits they claim to have in the written sections of their profiles. I also tend to trust the Enemy rating more than the Match rating: people around 20% or higher on Enemy have consistently been incompatible with what I want.
I've noticed that, through the course of my 20s, I became more and more emotionally affected by movies and music. Ten years ago, I wouldn't flinch at something that, today, would evoke a notable response.
Man, every time I put my grubby fingers on this profile...it just gets longer and longer and longer...
My name is Ryan, so feel free to address me as such.
Ok, so apparently people are actually reading this crap. Perhaps I won't be quite as flip in my responses.
The above is true regarding my profession. My main structured hobby is Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu (a grappling martial art), but I am only a weekend warrior in that regard. Informally, I consider myself a perpetual student of philosophy and practitioner of good science. This means I am a consistent skeptic and embrace the value of argumentation/debate in arriving at truth.
I also have a bunch of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles action figures in my closet.
Yes. Really. This is one of them.
Questioning ideas. My meaning of life is how much I understand the meaning of life.
Converting food into heat energy, which often puts my cuddle services in high demand.
Expressing myself often and thoroughly - you will rarely be left with a blank about my thoughts and feelings.
Making a fool of myself in public, much to the dismay of the people that are near me.
Unintentional intimidation. Don't let this exterior fool you, I'm really a cream puff that can't handle a strong bump. I'm like nitroglycerin...if nitroglycerin cried instead of exploded.
Realizing at the age of 25 that the clitoris is not a creature from Roman mythology.
Not particularly caring if people celebrate/remember my birthday...for the same reason that I don't consider myself "proud" to be an American (most of you are probably misinterpreting this...but if you want to take a stab at the riddle, send me your answer).
Apparently being too much of a "jock" for some of the nerd-girls around here. I guess I need to get to work on forming an igloo belly out of Doritos-dust-and-Mountain-Dew mud adobe bricks.
"Dating" only one person at a time. I don't really like to spread myself around, so once I've started any sort of romantic pursuits with a given woman, I tend to focus solely on her. If a woman is worth my time, she's worth my undivided attention.
Not celebrating Valentine's Day. I refuse to accept societal dictation of the terms of when and how I express my affection. Intimacy is about understanding the other person and expressing it in ways specific to them and the relationship. I'm not going to "wait" for a certain day, nor be told that a pile of flowers and a tiny teddy bear clutching a heart balloon are meaningful. February 14th will always be just another day for any woman I'm with...and those who have shared my days know that is a good thing.
-Tarzan (by far the most common and probably the most accurate)
-Anthony Kiedis (more so back in the good Blood Sugar years)
-Danzig (shrug....I guess)
-Nathan Explosion (animated character from Metalocalypse)
-Johnny Depp (facially, not sure I see this one)
-Brandon Lee (a girl who worked at a sandwich shop I frequented repeatedly called me "The Crow"...I don't get this one either)
-The "Hitter" guy from the TV show Leverage (my parents like this one)
If I get a little more time, then it is typically my predisposition to speaking directly and openly.
So my answer to all 4 is going to be the corn dog, which can satisfy all 4...given enough imagination, conviction, and dexterity.
I've recently realized that the opposite of corn dog is "froyo." This is only in part due to the substance being generally inert and inept. The bigger obstacle is the term itself. Froyo is so damn syllablazy that it makes me want to end lives with a wrench. You are not cool for saying it. You are not clever for saying it. And if you are the cool, clever piglet that invented this term....I gots a wrench for you.
Yeah, that might be a flip answer...but this question is really a matter of trivia. The things in this box will become apparent as a relationship progresses; the things that matter in a relationship aren't in this box.
(My "strictly other" diet is Paleo, but not the original Paleo that was far too dogmatic and became misguided. This is the Paleo 2.0, or "Ancestral Health." Basically I don't eat wheat/soy, consume a minimal amount of sugar, and mostly avoid vegetable oils. I am also not nor ever will be affiliated with CrossFit.)
(Like how I ended that all pimpmatic? Damn I'm smooth.)
...why politics has become an excuse to ignore science (this applies to both sides, you Gorehead "global warming" conformists).
...how much I'd like us to meet a sentient alien race, just so I can turn to these religious pricks and say, "See, you aren't special. Jesus was a lie. You and Noah can go fuck yourselves...I'm getting on this big metal boat."
...what the word "friend" means to most people, and why I would not insult my friends by using the term in such a cavalier fashion.
...why peeing in the shower is so damn liberating.
...when I will meet the next person in my life that has a presence which makes me more aware of absence - someone worth missing.
...why people use the phrase, "love to have fun." Is there any other way to do it? I'd much rather be notified that someone hates to have fun.
What the hell is wrong with this guy? Why.Does.He.Keep.Talking?! Oh wait, that's what you are thinking about...
...why women will contact me, I respond with interest, and they never reply back. This happens about half of the time when women contact me.
...how thousands of years of civilization advancements have better than doubled our lifespans, allowed us to communicate across the planet in seconds, and brought man to outer space...yet the only progress we have in buttwipe is slightly softer leaves.
...how I can explain the way my mind works to people who do not have my particular blessing/curse.
...you're. You are. You're. You are. It seems quite a few of you need to spend some time thinking about this as well.
...why I find sensual gratification (AKA cuddling AKA "my quality time") more satisfying than sexual gratification.
...that I have now seen 23 profiles where women answered that the Earth is bigger than the Sun. This counter will be increased every time I find another such lunatic. (11Jun2014...nearly six months of peace...but this time, the mulch pile in question sent me a message...trying to talk to me like she never even saw this part of my profile...)
...my jungle loooooove....oh-we-oh-we-ohhhhh!
I'm a grower not a shower, which is pretty good for keeping expectations low.
-Smoker: I can't stand being around the smell and it shows lack of concern for the state of one's body.
-Drugs: People who try to vacation from reality (internal and external) don't blend with me, since I tend to distill reality into as potent a form as possible. Lucidity is only a curse if you fear your consciousness. (This may not apply to casual marijuana use...I am still undecided on where that fits.)
-Looking for casual sex: While I'm all for physical fun in the process of trying and progressing a romantic relationship, I don't do random hookups. I'd like to be able to enjoy your company to some extent beyond your body.
-Particularly religious: I highly value independent thought and I openly critique flawed beliefs. I respect everyone's right to believe anything and everything, but the belief itself is just an idea and subject to questioning. If you cling to any particular mythology or have a "relationship" with Jesus Christ, we probably won't mesh well.
-Abysmal grammar: I'm tolerant for people who are learning English as not-a-first language (I often like to help people do so), but if you are born and raised in the USoA, don't sputter your Drunken Cajun at me.
That being said, there are some things I consider that can delight me about new people:
-Sense of humor (you don't have to be funny, but you must be able to laugh at me).
-Desire to learn and grow - resisting mediocrity.
-Ambition (you don't have to be about what I'm about, but be about something).
-Willingness to speak openly about ideas, opinions, and feelings. Disagree with me and I may become aroused.
-Sense of self, which requires explanation. Having a sense of self is a matter of understanding oneself on various levels and embracing those levels. It is a matter of exploring the consciousness expanse. This gives a person the kind of depth to be dorkily goofy (which isn't the same as acting like an idiot) in one situation, yet profoundly serious and expressive in another.
-Ability to speak another language (far from a requirement, but it's a novelty that excites me, even if it isn't fluent).
-Care for body as well as mind. Being intellectually focused is not an excuse to be physically substandard. Appearance matters in the same sense that a down payment matters on a house. I don't expect you to be an underwear model, but I'm closer to six-pack than two-liter bottle.
So, after that cyclical tirade...I'm not sure I'd even know what to do with me. Well, my policy now is that I will answer any message sent to me, provided it is in a language I speak and I can understand it. I'm not a fan of using a computer monitor as justified ignoring, which is cowardly; I treat a message the same as if someone walked up to me in person and spoke to me. You are guaranteed a response, but it may be a polite note of non-reciprocation. (Let me caveat this by adding that a message like, "Hey" or "Hi there" will not get a response. If a stranger walked up to me in person and said that, they'd get a blank stare.)
I was speaking with one of my cousins, and she shared a succinct but poignant metaphor: in every relationship, there is a Rock and a Kite. If it weren't for the Rock, the Kite would float away aimlessly and be lost; if it weren't for the Kite, the Rock would be stuck without movement.
I am a Rock...and I very much like the idea of finding a Kite that is looking for me.