XachMonster
32 Tarzana, United States
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XachMonster
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My self-summary
I swear I made attempts to shorten this. It seems to have worn off. Here we go. Deep breath. You'll be fine.

I don't have an Instagram. Or Snapchat. I know what they are, but I fail to see how they are relevant to my life.

I oscillate between chaotic neutral and lawful good, and live my life somewhere between an example and a warning. Most of my decisions are made by weighing "it's a stupid idea/I'm going to regret this" against the "it makes a great story/when am I going to have this opportunity again." Nonsense is my Sword of Eternia.

I have obsessive curiosity. The mechanisms underlying the universe are as fascinating as they are complex, and I find that endless wonder to be utterly captivating.

In an effort to craft a sense of who I am that is neither self-aggrandizing nor self-deprecating, I asked 10 friends for a one- or two-sentence phrase to put in (which is apparently kind of a thing?). Here's what I got:

1. "Like the brawny man but more beardy and less flannely- probably could wrestle a bear if bears were about. In the absence of bears, enjoys reading, writing, and, presumably, the gentle caress of a female while partaking in traditional mouth-drinks."

2. Reacts to the strange and absurd as gleefully as most would react to an adorable kitten. Owns several pairs of "spooky pants." (And may in fact be wearing them right now.)

3. May be able to thoroughly explain the nuances of what kind of googly eyes pair best with what kind of wine.

4. A man held in check by neither the laws of god nor man. Good is thrust upon him, that he may thrust it into others.

5. Enjoys long, thoughtful, and provocative discussions about politics, theology, academia, and the Loch Ness monster.

6. Xach is so compelling that he never needs to find Waldo, Wenda, or Carmen Sandiego; they frequently find him... sometimes all at once.

7. If Xach wants you in his life, you should consider yourself very lucky. He exudes love and light that brighten even the darkest days.

8. You're too unique to find [love] with regular people so you have to find the right irregular one.

9. "You're like the voice of God, only, y'know, relatable."

10. "That is a thing I have always admired about you, how unabashedly you exist in this world as you."

"Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out of it alive."
-Elbert Hubbard
What I’m doing with my life
I co-founded Shades and Shadows, a literary nonprofit that brings together genre fiction (Sci-fi, fantasy, noir, horror, detective, et al) authors and has them read from their own works to a live audience, among other goals. We encourage readership and engagement across the book-nerd sphere. Curious? Check out the next live show here. And if you're looking for new genre fiction books/authors, check out the podcast! We feature minority voices and people you may not have heard about. You can be that cool friend who discovers new books.

I also do the “Notable L.A.” blog on therumpus.net. And I just started writing for the L.A. Times, so I guess there's that too.

I'm active in the Horror Writers Association, and am helping plan/execute the 2017 Stoker Awards Convention. And before you go all "Ewww, I'm not into horror!" let me point out that the guest of honor is George R.R. Martin. Let's talk horror. You might like it more than you think.

I have been a massage therapist since 2003, and am currently the assistant spa manager for a gym. I won't tell you which one, but it takes its name from a solar position in spring and fall. I don't plan on staying in this field forever though, and have several other goals I'm pursuing.

I am occasionally found in the desert north of Reno, doing things involving the incineration of an enormous homunculus.

Socially, I can be found at jazz concerts, art shows, literary events (duh), dinner parties, occasionally jousting with flaming Christmas trees (there's video), doing perform-y type things with fire, or whatever adventure might cross my radar. I try to only say 'no' to things if the risk outweighs the "but it'll make a great story" factor. So far, so good!
I’m really good at
(You've made it this far! Congratulations! From here on, it's much easier.)

You mean, besides the obvious things?

My superpower seems to be matching needs with haves. If someone tells me they're looking for something to be made/answered/done/whatever, oftentimes I magically facilitate that thing happening.

Cooking, especially weird fusion ideas. Baking, too.

I have a knack for getting away with things.
The first things people usually notice about me
Probably that I'm doing something that appears to be phenomenally stupid. It's quite a believable illusion.

Big stature, big personality, big voice, big laugh. I don't really have a "quiet" mode.

The Googly eyes.

Or possibly that I'm on fire.

Sometimes (read: often), that yes, I really did just say that.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
BOOKS: Yes. Though I tend to not read much mainstream realism these days. It's usually some kind of fantasy/sci-fi/horror/crime/etc. [note: I will try to not judge you for which books you read, but I will definitely judge you if you don't read any.]

MUSIC: Yup. Music is good too.

When I'm in the car though, most of the time the radio is tuned to NPR.

MOVIES: Without getting too into Kantian Aesthetics, I like good movies. I don't like bad movies. I love so-bad-they're-good movies, but cannot abide the just-plain-bad movies. And as a horror writer, I generally think most horror movies are either A) comedies or B) terrible.

SHOWS: Don't watch a whole lot of TV. Some, but not a ton. And I try not to let it rule my life, or my daily schedule.

FOOD: If I suddenly become allergic to garlic I might commit suicide.
The six things I could never do without
I could do without a lot. I am really not materialistic. I value experiences more than things.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Absurd inconsistencies in life that I find terribly amusing (example: Why people drive around for twenty minutes to find a parking spot near the gym, vegetarians who smoke, or how most people say goodbye in some form or other three times before ending a phone conversation).

Theoretical quantum physics, the Antikythera Mechanism, and other random things I want to work into my stories.
On a typical Friday night I am
"Typical" is such a harsh word. It connotes a certain banality and the repetition of a pattern so frequently as to become a behavioral default. Perhaps I am a creature of habit on some weeks and devoid of all proscribed notions of normality on others. And perhaps I might be found of a Friday night:
-Spinning some fire
-Out adventuring
-At a friend's/friends' house
-Staying in, either alone or with friends
-Retreating into my cave to write
-__________.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
People who say "That's hilarious!" but never laugh make me uncomfortable.

Also, I'm a time traveler. No, I won't tell you from when.
You should message me if
You like long walks through closets that, due to the mysteries of non-Euclidian geometry, expand beyond both the physical boundaries and the limits of human cognition. You would not be driven past the point of madness if you were to discover an ancient relic from a nonhuman species that somehow exists in both the past and future. You can experience a shared nightmare that possesses an entire town and awaken feeling refreshed in the morning.

I like the weird ones, the passionate ones, the interesting ones. I like people who know how to tell stories, who can engage in conversation actively without crossing into interrupting, but who also know how to actively listen. I like people who forge their own paths regardless of the situation, who can find the adventure and excitement in life's little deviations from the routine. The ones who tend to intimidate most men with their intensity, vivaciousness, loquaciousness, crushing intellect, razor sharp wit, and penetrative stare. Those who see the world slightly askew, and who enjoy the oddity of existence in all its nonsensical and absurd ways.

Be the protagonist of your own story, control your own narrative.

Also, I don't trust people who read Where the Red Fern Grows and didn't cry. That's my Cylon/Voight-Kampff test, or at least the part of it I'm willing to publicly acknowledge.

And you use your fucking turn signals.

Be able to answer this: how are you going to make your life matter?

**I AM ALSO LOOKING FOR A NEMESIS! IF INTERESTED, PLEASE INQUIRE. SHORT TERM OR LONG TERM FOES WELCOME. NO COMBAT EXPERIENCE REQUIRED. SURVIVAL NOT GUARANTEED.**
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