Zarte
27Buckingham, United Kingdom
Join today
Find great matches with our advanced matching system!
Zarte
Join today
Find great matches with our advanced matching system!
My self-summary
First things first, I don't tend to reply to messages, because I hate trying to find something to say "Nah, sorry mate" that doesn't sound shit. Because I actually feel bad about it, but from an online profile, I'm very very picky. So if you're going to condemn me as rude for that, I wouldn't bother messaging.

Now. I'm Zarte, I'm 27, I live in Buckinghamshire. I say this mostly because having seen I was advertising myself as 2 years younger, I realised I should probably update this (21/3/17)

I use a wheelchair a lot. I can also walk a bit. I'm not a benefits scrounger. If you see me, and I stand up at all, it's not a miracle. Everything works, just not as it should.

My sexual tastes are varied but usually rather kinky. This may seem odd to put so close to the top. It's mostly to appease the idiots on here who just want to know anything that's going to put them off. If you're actually wanting to read a profile properly, carry on - I might say something worthwhile at some point

I'm single. I have been single for a long time. Like, for my age, apparently a REALLY long time. I like being single though. This is basically my space to occasionally go "Ah, but it could be good to..." - then I read a few profiles and I decide I was right in the first place...

I like sport (I can't play many (though you will struggle to separate me from my dartboard)), music (mostly indie and rock, but I can find some good in most genres) and generally chilling with friends. I'm also a damn good cook. And a little bit of a food snob apparently... but that's not my opinion. Like... I just think I don't like shit food?

I am acerbic, opinionated and sarcastic. These have been thought to be both adverts of my general unlikeableness, and also some of my best traits, by different people. Generally come across as a wanker if you don't know me, but I'm a soft touch if I give a shit.

I'm not very good at diplomacy though. Like. I can't lie. So I either just go awkward and say nothing at all, or I give it with both barrels, and everything goes nuclear. My bad.

I don't know what I'm looking for. I literally have no idea. It probably involves cuddles though. I like cuddles. They're about the only thing that stop me being a dick for a while.

If all this puts you off, then thank you profile text for not wasting my time.
What I’m doing with my life
I work from home during the week. Not enough to do anything meaningful with my life, but enough that I don't tend to be one of those people who complains they're skint if you want to do something.

I also chair a word game group, because I'm fucking awesome. It's geeky, but genuinely not as bad as it sounds, because my friends are mostly borderline alcoholics with even less diplomacy than me.

If I'm not doing that, I'm likely to be found in the kitchen. Getting steadily fatter. Seriously, if you don't want a man who's going to look like a hippo that's eaten another hippo by the time he's 40, I'm probably not a good long-term plan.
I’m really good at
Cooking.
Singing, if no-one else can hear. If anyone else is listening, I go weird.
Finding ways to include the colour purple in things - purple is the best.
Making people not hate me whilst massively ripping the piss out of them.
Anagramming stuff.
Writing nonsense poems.
The first things people usually notice about me
"That guy's in a wheelchair, but he's just stood up... oh and now he's staring at us staring at him. Doesn't he have intense eyes... oh and he's just chucked a dart at us. Fuck - better duck"
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Book - Nick Hornby, Linwood Barclay, Cookbooks
Film - High Fidelity, Shawshank Redemption, Like Minds
TV - Food programmes, Sports channels, Dexter, The Mentalist
Music - I'm founded in rock but I like bits of everything.
Food - I like most non-mammalian meat food, especially if it's spicy. (Think that's the most arse-about-face way I've ever managed to say I'm pescatarian)
Six things I could never do without
Food - not even in a necessity way, like I think I'd go mad without being able to cook it.
The Internet, because society has brainwashed me.
Music because I need something to drown out the brainwashing.
A filthy mind - Someone ought to give that bit of brain a scrub instead of the rest.
Someone to apologise for me - Probably someone I've brainwashed
Word Games - Brainwash is a good 9 letter word.
My ability to count to 6 - See. Brain turned to mush.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Work, food, 9-letter words, food, song lyrics, food, why I'm getting fatter.
On a typical Friday night I am
Playing word games, occasionally drinking, making as much of a nuisance of myself as I do on the other 6 nights of the week.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I used to be the promoter for a fetish event.
You should message me if
You're clinically insane.

You would like to be clinically insane.

You run a home for the clinically insane.
More
The two of us
--
Lifestyle
--
Sex
--
Dating
--
Other
--
Ethics
--
Religion