- I barely cried after the intro to Pixar's "UP".
- Gluten is sensitive to *me*.
- Your parents already like me.
- I once Tinder matched with Ivanka Trump, but was totally like: "no, thanks".
- I invented dubstep—at my 5th grade recorder recital.
*** None of these facts are true.
This is a list of some things I think are—or might be—totally awesome. I'm not saying we should do them on our first date; I'm just saying that I hope you're excited by these ideas too:
- SCUBA diving the Great Barrier Reef
- Waking up early to watch the sun rise
- Thoroughly reading the Wikipedia entries on "The Donner Party", "Relativistic time dilation", "Origin of the domestic dogs".
- Backpacking the entire Pacific Crest Trail
- Jumping off a cliff (into water)
- Creating an extremely elaborate group Bay to Breakers costume
- Watching the movie "Sharknado"—a movie about a tornado hitting Los Angeles that is full of killer sharks
- Bicycling through Europe for three months
- Doing a bunch of drugs at Burning Man
- Driving a VW Van to all the Western US National Parks
- Internet. Cat. Videos.
I would see you for the first time as your train backed into the station. We would then tearfully say hello. As we grew younger together we would drift apart emotionally—un-sharing experiences. We would un-climb Half Dome, un-watch Zoolander once a week and un-meet your parents.
Outrageous rent prices in San Francisco would fall to slightly less Outrageous. Progressively slower and slower iPhones would be released. (Your screen un-cracks). Baristas would methodically suck frothed milk back into espresso machines. I would carefully delete lines of code at work.
We would slowly un-discover each other's little flaws and foibles.
As we get less and less serious our lives would slowly untangle from each other; we would un-meet each other's friends. Eventually we would un-kiss for the last time. The final time we see each other would be over drinks a few days before messaging on OKCupid.
...Sooner or later you would start dating your ex-boyfriend.
You like spicy food.
You're opinionated—but are considerate enough to have thought about *why* you have those opinions.
You can parallel park like a badass but don't own a car.
You call people out on their bullshit—but in a totally nice way.
You can disagree about something without getting upset.
You think grammar is important; I think I might be using the em dash (—) wrong—sorry.
You think most arguments can be settled with some judicious Googling and Wikipedia-ing.