36 North Hollywood, United States
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My self-summary
I'm built like a steakhouse, but I handle like a bistro.

I don't know what that means either.

I hate this username, sorta. It's a reference to a movie that apparently nobody else watched, except Regina Spektor, who wrote Fidelity while watching it. /trivia

I'm starting to think a relationship that lasts longer than a month isn't possible in LA. Thus, I'm here strictly for the binders full of women.

I mean, I'd still take the right relationship, but I like keeping my expectations realistic. If I was having a conversation with OKC (whom I assume looks and sounds just like The Wizard of Oz), I envision it going something like this:

ME: OKC, I'd like a smart girl with ambition who looks nice, treats others with kindness, doesn't vote for Republicans, and doesn't need me to choke her to orgasm.
OKC: *crickets*
ME: Okay, how about some binders full of women?
OKC: Fuck yeah, son! I got some goddam binders.
ME: *crickets*

I'm not really that jaded, for the record. I'm just clever as fuck.

I'm here because my time and money is mostly tied up in supporting my new business. And/or modeling. Seriously. I look just like Channing Tatum. You just have to squint a little. Or a lot. Okay, maybe just do your best impression of Ray Charles.

As for how we match up....

ME: Music. Excursions (local, intrastate, interstate, or international). Culinary exploration. Football and baseball. The art, science, and practice of creating durable images by recording light or other electromagnetic radiation (digital or film). Canine companionship. Scotchy Scotch Scotch. The Oxford comma. Constantly saying I need to read more but still only making it through 5-10 books a year. Sculpting my guns (a recently rediscovered obsession--right now I'm still in the dampened clay phase).

YOU: Huge fuckin' nerd. Don't care about what, so long as it isn't Twilight. Conversationalist. Shares the following belief: in a makeover movie, the before is usually better than the after. Intellectually curious. Ambitious. Sharing in at least some of my interests, and not opposed to any of them. Also clever as fuck.

Things I need you to not be struggling with: Homophones. Tolerance of gays. Tolerance of other races. Comprehending why #1 and #2 on this list are unrelated. Honesty. The capacity to commit. Hygiene and grooming (I sincerely wish I didn't have to include that, but....).
What I’m doing with my life
Stampeding cattle through the Vatican.
I’m really good at
Stampeding cattle through the Vatican.
The first things people usually notice about me
This model-quality ass I've been cursed with.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Will update this later, but to begin with--

BOOKS: Everything Is Illuminated, Extremely Loud And Incredibly Close, The Man Who Died, Breakfast of Champions (pretty much all Vonnegut, really), The Unbearable Lightness of Being, How To Drive Fast On Drugs While Getting Your Wing-Wang Squeezed And Not Spill Your Drink, Catcher In The Rye, On The Road, The Sputnik Sweetheart, Christmas Day At Sea, 1984, Brave New World, A Tale Of Two Cities, The Old Man And The Sea, The Grapes of Wrath, The War Of Art, Milestones, The Future Dictionary of America, and the braille edition of Playboy.

MOVIES: High Fidelity, The Darjeeling Limited, Inglourious Basterds, Twin Falls Idaho, Pulp Fiction, Super Troopers, In Bruges, Anchorman, Semi Pro, 40 Year Old Virgin, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Knocked Up, Goodfellas, Casino, Butch Cassidy And The Sundance Kid, The Assassination of Jesse James By The Coward Robert Ford, Burn After Reading (watch the last two together if you want to see Brad Pitt get shot in the head twice in the same day), Troy (watch after the previous two to see Brad Pitt get fucked up a third time, this time by a really sissy Orlando Bloom with a bow and arrow), Se7en (Brad Pitt's wife gets fucked up in this one), Office Space, This Is Spinal Tap, The Guard, And The Band Played On, and Twister.

MUSIC: this list is way too long for me to even attempt comprehensivity. Did I just make up a word? Possibly. Top 7: Stevie Wonder, Miles Davis, Prince, The Beatles, Janelle Monae, Led Zeppelin, and Stone Temple Pilots. Runners up: Kenna, Frank Ocean, The Clash, Gnarls Barkley, ATCQ, De La Soul, Timbaland, Queen, D'Angelo, The Black Keys, The White Stripes, The Civil Wars, Alex Isley, Jill Scott, Dr. Dre, Justin Timberlake, the first three solo Phil Collins records, The Who, James Taylor, Jim Earp, Marvin Gaye, Michael Jackson, AC/DC, Gotye, Aretha Franklin, David Bowie, Weezer, Tracy Bonham, Marrque Nunley, Yes Mistress, T Gooch, SiR, MGMT, Whitesnake (Slide It In is some of the best romantic poetry ever written), Guns N Roses, Shenandoah, Bruno Mars, Rascal Flatts, Pearl Jam, Pat Metheny, Kanye West, Jay Z, Elton John, Hendrix, The Gap Band, Alison Krauss & Union Station, Thelonius Monk, Johnny Griffin, Bill Evans, .... yeah, I'm nowhere close to the end of this list. But I'm done typing. Also, some of those weren't so serious.

P.S. I have opinions on jazz saxophonists, which honestly is probably super detrimental to my sex life, but don't fret. I won't share them if you don't care about jazz (most people don't, and that's fine), and I don't give lectures about musical taste unless you confess to me that you like Nickelback.

TV: Real Time with Bill Maher, SNL (even when it sucks, which is often). If I was to dedicate my life to a nightly show, it would be Fallon or Kimmel. Maybe Conan. I love Jon Stewart, but that shit straight depresses me, yo.

COMEDY: George Carlin, Patton Oswalt, Dave Chappelle, Bill Maher, Bill Burr, Dov Davidoff, Patrice O'Neal, Ron White, Whoopi Goldberg, Doug Stanhope, Bill Hicks, Louie C.K., Hannibal Burriss, Jim Jeffries, Norm MacDonald, Chris Rock, Bobcat Goldthwait.

FOOD: I can get down with just about any ethnicity, but I go hard on Italian, Greek, traditional Mexican, CaliMex, Spanish, and sushi. And sautéed Brussels sprouts. Seriously. I could eat them like potato chips. Only, I don't eat potato chips like potato chips, so that analogy doesn't work, so.... just go with it, okay? Foods I don't like: shredded lettuce, goat cheese (I really tried, but it just tastes off to me), beets (I'm about ready to give another go on this one), and those tiny canned sliced black olives that taste like they've been soaked in stale sugar water. I'm lukewarm on large quantities of fresh cilantro, but don't try to serve me a lengua taco with none at all. Yes, I eat the weird meats off of ethnic menus. And I like steak tartar. Still haven't tried Rocky Mountain oysters, and I don't intend to.

FASHION: Someone else included this, and I fucking loved it, so now it's on mine too. I don't consider myself fashion forward, nor do I follow trends, but I do care a lot about my appearance. To begin with, THINGS I DON'T OWN: Ed Hardy, Crocs, shorts, chinos, flip flops for non-aquatic purposes, sweatpants that say Juicy, sweatpants that do not say Juicy. THINGS I DO OWN: Converse, argyle socks, camel hair jackets, pocket squares, Allen Edmonds, thrifted flannel shirts, Ben Sherman, Robert Graham,, Cricketeer, HSM, Hickey Freeman, Bostonian, weird old three-piece suits, weird new three-piece suits, knit ties, silk knots, Ralph Lauren, corduroys, corduroy hats, Stangl by Kevin Anthony, Mavi, Flypaper, Elton John-esque sunglasses, and pearl snaps.

ART: I want to have opinions on painters and sculptors, but I don't. If you do and would like to impart some wisdom, message me.
The six things I could never do without
1. This
2. Is
3. A
4. Total
5. Bullshit
6. Question
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Normally I'd give some smartass answer like "plate tectonics", but since we're losing an island nation about once a year, I guess plate tectonics aren't that funny anymore.
On a typical Friday night I am
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I drowned a hipster in a tributary. It wasn't mainstream.
You should message me if
you've been shakin', stickin', and movin', tryin' to get to me and that booty.