31 Cincinnati, United States
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My self-summary
Let me tell you about how I grew my legs and arms, friends. See, I was a child of little activity, as you might imagine, not having any arms or legs. I just kind of sat in my little swing and as I got bigger, bigger swing, watching television. Well, I happened to watch an educational show about lizards that grew back tails and so I told my mother I wanted her to buy me a lizard. She obliged me on account of the "swimming incident," where she, um, tried to drown me. So first thing I did when I was alone with Jeremy was I bent my (lucky for me) somewhat longish neck downward and ate him. Well, about Jeremy XII I starting getting a tingle where my limbs weren't exactly. So I kept up and my mother, poor woman, kept failing to understand how all my lizards kept getting away. I just said, "can't exactly chase them, you know."

Well, let's just say years of eating lizards paid off with dividends-- not just the two arms and legs, but try a third and third and fourth, respectively; though, when I noticed their growth, I aborted my feeding habits, so they're actually very tiny and easily hidden
What I’m doing with my life
Trying to pay off that debt. See, I got really smooth and I talked the guy into taking 500 pounds of pumpkin seeds as payment-- but this took hours. So I leave exhausted and I'm walking out to my car and it's some kind of Hitchcockian nightmare, it's so covered with birds. Well, stupid me left the sunroof open and one bird led to another and they ate all of my pumpkin seeds-- all 500 hundred pounds. So I had to get a job.
I’m really good at
Well, I used to be known as the LeBron James of donkey basketball. I could tear that shit up and one day this man, he wants to "make it interesting," and being the dummy I am, I say, "you want the donkey to ride me?" But no, he just wanted to bet some money. So I agree, because I'm the LeBron James of Donkey Basketball. So the big night, up against the Centerville Packbastards I waltz into the locker room and my donkey is dead as a fucking door nail. So I call doctor who tells me to get a vet and the vet says he died from poisoning. Well, I'm thinking foul play here but it turns out, all those games I was sweating away on top of that basketball donkey, I was slowly killing him. See, all those lizards throughout my life made my bodily fluids a little bit toxic.

So I grabbed some other donkey and we lose.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
My friend told me I'd be good with kids because I like telling stories. I figure it'd be because we eat the same stuff.
The six things I could never do without
Used to think my internet capable phone but now I work underground so I can live without anything.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
If Jordan would beat LeBron in a one-on-one game of donkey basketball.
On a typical Friday night I am
On my way home. Feel free to stop me in the street and shake my hand. I earned it.
You should message me if
You'd be a good drinking buddy. You're looking for an okay date.