38San Diego, United States
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My self-summary
If you were my best friend you would say I'm the funniest guy you know.

If you were my convenience store clerk, you would ask me for I.d. and normally id be flattered but I forgot my I.d. again.
But when I come back with my I.d., you'll say , "wtf! You are 35?!" And normally, i'd be flattered, but you just made me go all the way back home! Jeez! And thanks! =)

If you are anything like my ex-roommate, you would have moved out a month ago and now you miss my cheesy jokes. And I would say "check the fridge in the dairy drawer!" (Ba doom boom, crash!)

And if you were a cricket you would make cricket noises... and I would say "get it? cheesy jokes? Dairy drawer?? Eh? Anyone? No? Ok."

If you were an ex girlfriend of mine, you are probably way too hot for me but you fell in love with my charm or my sense of humor and my confidence, and my ability to give the best back massage you've ever had, and you would have told me that I was the first guy to get you off in bed. I knew you were probably lying but I appreciated the compliment anyway. =)

If you are the next girl I make out with, you will probably have been drinking, and you might be sore from laughing. And if I had a lawyer or a legal department they would say "prolonged periods of intense laughter may have certain blah blah Bob Oblaw Law Blog something something or whatever... I don't have a lawyer.
What I’m doing with my life
This is what I do for a living: I get you drunk, then teach you how to paint.

I love my job!

Check out for more deets
I’m really good at
I'm really BAD at judging whether I am supposed to keep holding the door open for someone based on how far away they are.

I'm really GOOD at:
back massages,
finding the silver lining,
giving advice (not very good at taking my own yet),
Discussions about astro physics,
making ramen noodles,
my magical instantly dissappearing taco bell burrito trick,
reaching things on the top of other things,
figuring stuff out WITHOUT reading the owner's manual,
returning merchandise to the store and telling them its defective because I followed the owner's manual and now it doesn't work,
Math tutoring,
writing 3 page essays in guinness book of world records'
worthy short spans of time,
And answering "yes" to your option A or option B question.
The first things people usually notice about me
My neighbor noticed that I was wearing flip flops in the snow.

Sometimes people notice that I've been staring at them, murmuring agitatedly, and now I'm angrily writing something on my "list".

Other drivers on the road sometimes notice that I've been in this lane the whole time even though they are now merging into it.

A whole group of people once noticed that I thought I knew them but I didnt. It was dark ok?

A couple times they've noticed that I have absolutely NO idea that I've randomly chosen to get a drink at a gay bar.

More often than I'm comfortable with, they notice that I've walked in the door. Then they remember that they work at wal-mart as a door greeter person, so now they have to say "hello" to me
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Books: I am currently reading A DIFFERENT UNIVERSE - reinventing physics from the bottom down. I also have a copy of the unabridged edgar allen poe that I borrowed from a public library back when I was 12. I plan to keep it in the family so that in 150+ years from now, my great great great grandchildren/neice/nephew will be stuck with the LARGEST late fee of all time. GUINNESS BOOK style! YEAH!

Movies: eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, wristcutters, hero, tron legacy, pan's labyrinth, crouching tiger hidden dragon, howl's moving castle, waking life... uh... let me get back to you

Music: I feel like this is the only appropriate time to shamelessly plug my own music: my (one-person) band is called I am this. And Unless you live in France, Germany, or Russia, it's improbable that you've heard my music. But feel free to look it up or aske about it!
My musical influences are:
aphex twin, squarepusher, meshuggah, nothingface, almost anything that's dubstep as long as it has that womp womp Waaaaahhh stuff happenin in it (I'm only half kidding there... But which half am I kidding about? Hmmmm... sneaker pimps, massive attack, portishead, and um... there's more I promise...

Food: I was a vegetarian for 13 years and now I'm back with a semi-guilty but mostly yummy vengance.

T.V.- I was in a long-term relationship with T.V. until the buffy the vampire slayer series ended. Since then I HAVE spoken to T.V. but its only been small talk. I don't see us ever being an item again, even though though we had a short lived fling back when scrubs was still cool. But we were just lonely. I heard that T.V. is doing well and I wish it the best. 8..)
Six things I could never do without
New, innovative music. Wine in boxes. Painting. Stumbleupon. Giant speakers. Sandwiches.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
If a person tends to procrastinate, does that make them a procrastitute?

Ok how did the circulatory system of a dinosaur work? I mean its hard enough to get decent water pressure just on the second floor of some buildings, let alone constantly pump enough blood to nessessitate an entire dinosaur!

How the hell does a computer work, exactly? I know how binary code works, (I'm a math major) but I don't understand how an electron passing through some complexity of wires makes a computer do what it does. I'm sure ill find out some day...

My creative non-fiction instructor said that certain words caused a viceral reaction to hearing them- words that make her puke. Strange, I thought, until I realized that i have some as well: juice box; moist; cocktail; hot pocket; dictate; superb; horny; superfluous.

I've never had coffee in my life. Ever. Is it good? Or do people drink it because they are hopelessly addicted to it like tobacco or something?

If you can get SALMONELLA from fish, can you get CHICKENELLA from chicken?

Star fish are the baddest assest animals on the planet! Some people figured out that if they film star fish in time lapse, the star fish actually do all kinds of cool shit! They have territorial battles (and when they fight, they HUG! <3). They also show evidence of having some kind of pre-cognitive sense! AND if a star fish never leaves the water, it will LIVE FOREVER! They have no definable LIFE SPAN! Crazy!

Ok and speaking of animals, prarie dogs are the cutest things EVER. And apparently they also have the most complex language system in the animal kingdom. Does that mean that a prarie dog from, say, Texas, would have a texan LANGUAGE?

And dolphins are almost as smart as humans, right? Why don't dolphins ever build stuff? When I was a kid, I was almost as smart as a human, and I made forts and stuff like all the time! Why don't dolphins step up and build some shit?

Soup. Do you EAT soup? Or do you DRINK soup?

Would a regular-sized doberman pincher think that a miniture pincher of the opposite sex is sexy?

If I was a professional breeder of dogs, I would cross breed a doberman and a boxer, and I would call it a PUNCHER!! LMFAO! Get it? Oh man that was a good one!

Why the hell did they have to give the number PI its name? I have trouble expressing my astonishment and respect for PI because I'm always thinking that it sounds like I'm talking about PIE. Which can be very delicious! =)

How can sriracha hot sauce be so good on so many things? Its even good on ice cream. The wierdest part is that its not all that good RIGHT AWAY. But as SOON as you swallow whatever has sriracha hot sauce on it, you want some more like RIGHT NOW.

My favorite sriracha trick goes like this:
Triscuit + easy cheese + sriracha
OMFG so good.

Why did they put the letter S in the word "lisp"? That's kinda cruel! They should spell it LISTHP.

If it is possible to have cilicone-based life (as compared to carbon based) then why hasn't it existed on earth yet?

ok cavemen had no shoes. I stubbed my toe on a rock the other day in my bare feet. fuck that! I'm glad I'm not a cave man.

Why do my socks dissappear in the dryer? I'm missing probably 10 or 20 pounds of socks collectively over my life time. Are sock companies making every few socks dissolve in water so that we come back to buy more?

You know how when you try to open a dvd case and there are those two little tabs that you need to do first? Are those REALLY necessary? Fuck that! Just tear those muther fuckers off!

Wow the pockets of my hoodie are EXTREMELY ineffective.

Hoodie pockets would be an awesome band name!
"Hey who's playing at the green room tonight?"
"Hoodie Pockets!"
"Never heard of them but they sound rad!"
"Me neither, and I agree! Let's go together!"
"Dude. I told you before, I'm not into guys."
"Fine! Buy your own damn drinks then!"
"Hey, wait a second, you never said anything about free alcohol..."

I had this neighbor, Bruce, who was like 70 years old and had a weiner dog that he always carried everywhere- crazy dog guy, Bruce. I wonder if he met a nice crazy cat lady. Do they get along well? Does the whole cat vs dog thing drive a divider between them, or does it create that tension or that spark that makes the romance sizzle? (Shudder) ok let's not think about that again.

Why am I so incredibly bad at landing high fives? I helped my neighbor get her car out of the snow the other day and I missed the high five so bad that I got stuck in a REALLY akward hug situation. Is there a high five support group or maybe a 1 credit high fivitory science class that will allow me to learn more about, and practice my high fiving skills?

But then I think something like "hmmm... I don't think any girls are going to read this much about what I'm thinking..." so I stop writing about it.
On a typical Friday night I am
Spending a lot of time thinking about stuff.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
When I hear a new song that I like, I will most likely get the lyrics wrong and sing along with my wrong lyrics.

For example:
That one song by gwen stefani that goes "there ain't no holla back girl!"
I thought she was saying "there ain't no harlem black girl!"

Ok I have just been informed that my "correct" version of those lyrics are still incorrect. But I'm gonna go ahead and leave it like that just to demonstrate the true power of my lyrical disability.

Oh and I have a total hetro man-crush on the aldus snow character from "get him to the greek"
You should message me if
You should message me if you can think of any reason NOT to message me!

Or if you want to meet a guy who is pleasantly different. I'm nice, but I'm not "the nice guy" because the nice guy kinda creeps me out.

Regardless of romantic possibilities or lack thereof, I'm always looking for more friends, with no expectations.

Seriously. I need a drinkin buddy! =D

Message me if you want to hang out with someone who won't expect anything from you, won't obsess over you, won't stalk you, and won't say "WHO THE FUCK WAS THAT??" when you answer your phone. Unless its hilarious.

OR if you want to have an elaborate hand shake team mate! =D
so like when we see eachother we go:
High 5, low 5, backwards high 5 to invisible joint puff-and-toss, hip bump left, hip bump right, wink and gun with "kablammo" noise, spinning over-head invisible lasso while saying "woo" like cowboy, hug with euro-cheek kisses to attempted-ass grab block and air-slap in face!

Finally, I would like to thank you for reading my entire profile. I know its long, but epicly entertaining.
The two of us